Friends with Benefits

I just spit out my seltzer....

Wasn't this once referred to simply as taking on a lover?

I think so.

I like to consider the expression more along the lines of 'friendly with benefits.' I had one of these scenarios, lasted over 2 years. We were both seriously hurting individuals, with crazy work schedules. Yeah we enjoyed each other's company-over two years, right? But that deeper intimacy that is friendship just wasn't going to happen. It was probably me with one foot out the door, but he never got over an ex fiance leaving him. It was what it was.
Before him I had my on and off boyfriend of six years where even in the off times it was more like best friends with benefits. But that doesn't count for this topic.
Here I am all these years and years later, to say that I just don't believe humans are robots.

Maybe the dynamic and the expression "friends with benefits" emerged when women started paying their own way or even paying for the man on dates. Maybe that muddied the clarity that it was a date and felt that they were just friends. For example: they go to movies, pay their own way-- that's friends?

I have never had a situation where a man wants to 'hang out' with me and he is 'just a friend'. The men who 'hung out' were interested sexually.

So do friends with benefits go places together, pay their own way, then have sex? It's like 'I like hanging around with you, going places together, having sex with you, but I don't want to bring you chicken soup when you get really sick, or anything caring like that?

Right. I can't speak for all women, of course. If I have a sexual urge, I'll scratch it. I wouldn't think to have sex with a guy I don't have feelings for in order to get the physical satisfaction. I will pursue a guy I do have feelings for and want a relationship with and have sex with him. That urge is more about the conquest of forming a relationship or hoping to get reciprocated feelings.

Now this is aa sexist thing to say, I know. But all the men I've known feel differently than I do. They have physical sexual urges and just want to screw for the fun of it with no ties in the beginning. But then in time they grow feelings of attachment.

I think there's a difference there between women and men. IMHO

I usually don't really label these kinds of relationships as "friends with benefits..." I'm more likely to either not label it at all, or just call it a "sexual relationship," since they are not exactly a friend.

I've had people in my life where the main focus was just sex. One particular person, I had that kind of thing going on for about 4 years straight (we wouldn't have sex everyday, and sometimes we went weeks or a month at a time). It worked for us. Eventually, I got into a serious relationship, where I cut ties with the person.

I think it really depends on the situation. There are people I have been with who I have enough trust in and vice versa, but don't have the type of feelings of wanting to be with that person. When I say trust though, I know that nobody can be completely trustworthy. There are obvious risks. It's not for everyone. I'm not in any way trying to tell anyone how to live their life. Just sharing my experiences.

I might add I am not that young, my oldest child is 20.

Also I shouLd mention am still friends with any and all the friends I was intimate with. Often it wore off, we moved on and that was thAt.
There is no awkwardness, we don't get confused and because there was no emotional attachments, there's no hurt feelings.
My best friend is an old 'friend with benefits' but it simply stopped 10 years ago, and we went back to just friends. As a very important person in my life he is acquainted with my SO and they get on really well.

I don't know maybe it's me, but I certainly don't feel I have lost or missed out on anything by doing it.
It was something that suited my life very well for a time.
But then I have zero emotional attachment to sex regardless of who I am with.
But I've had a lot of fun with some great like minded people some of whom are still significant in my life. Others less so , but I have been fortunate that in my instance we were very clearly after the same thing so no one got hurt.

Would you be willing to reflect here on why that is? It sounds like it might be an important part of why FWB can work for you but not for some others posting here.