how to cut conversation short tactfully

TerryL · Aug 05, 2017, 04:23 AM

i have a dear friend who loves to talk. she can talk for 4 to 5 hrs at a time. she recently met someone and she gushes for hours about him. i want to be there for her but after 2 hours of hearing about how great he is, i am tired of it. i think it is not only the 'tmi' aspect that is wearing, but also the conversations are now mostly one-way. i have made up excuses a few times to cut things short but i am not sure how often i can do that. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerryL

but after 2 hours of hearing about how great he is, i am tired of it.

Go to https://www.youtube.com/ and search "How to end a conversation," there are tons of videos about this but remember--your time is valuable--you may have to be frank about this with her. If you are allowing her to monopolize your time for 2 hours or more and do not want to be there then you are not valuing yourself and standing up for yourself the way you should.

MickeyCheeky · Aug 05, 2017, 05:04 AM

Being honest may be the best solution (and the most difficult) because this isn't just a person you happen to know.. it's a friend that seem to do this regularly. Even if you're able to cut the conversation a few times, you'll still have to deal with it for who knows how much time. Sending hugs..

Sunflower123 · Aug 05, 2017, 06:48 AM

Does it work at all if you pivot or change the course of the conversation? For a simple example, she keeps talking about how funny he is and you say "speaking of funny..you wouldn't believe what happened to me the other day." Keep changing the course of the conversation until it's more give and take. I understand where you're coming from. I have a longtime family friend who talks my ear off and I eventually either have to vaguely agree with them and walk away or say "well, I have to x...see you later." Good luck and best wishes.

Chyialee · Aug 05, 2017, 10:56 AM

/\ /\ THIS

We have a very very long-time friend who was my fiancé's friend first... she is married to his best friend. And she is an accomplished & exhausting monologist. lol ~sigh~ I feel your pain! She can be so overwhelming; after a bit I just shut down. They come to visit for a number of days and afterwards I need a week-long nap!

There are just some folks who are literally scared $hitless of silence, it seems. :/

Hugs,

Chyia,

Cookies25 · Aug 05, 2017, 11:14 AM

I am naturally very bad at eye contact and have an unintentional monotone voice that seems to not keep people engaged. I would try those things.. They've worked for me for decades.

divine1966 · Aug 05, 2017, 01:33 PM

"I gotta go."

Chyialee · Aug 05, 2017, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

"I gotta go."

Lol yeah, Divine -- that one can work. Unless the person is seated at my own breakfast table/sofa/patio or wherever, in which case it's quite a bit dicier. heh.

divine1966 · Aug 05, 2017, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chyialee

Lol yeah, Divine -- that one can work. Unless the person is seated at my own breakfast table/sofa/patio or wherever, in which case it's quite a bit dicier. heh.

" I have dentist appointment", "I need to take my mom shopping"

Or don't invite her over. Meet at the coffee place, restaurant, mall. Tell her you have one hour, then you have to do xyz.

Aug 06, 2017, 02:59 PM

Yes, good idea to get your excuse in early too so she knows her time is limited "I'm afraid I have to get back for (whatever) so I only have an hour" if she runs over then look at your watch "Where did the time go, I really have to get going"

TerryL · Aug 06, 2017, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Go to https://www.youtube.com/ and search "How to end a conversation," there are tons of videos about this but remember--your time is valuable--you may have to be frank about this with her. If you are allowing her to monopolize your time for 2 hours or more and do not want to be there then you are not valuing yourself and standing up for yourself the way you should.

you are right about me not standing up for myself. this friend is not the first one who talks at me instead of with me. i have had several friends like that. one of them would call me but all she did was talk about her marital woes. she hardly paid any attention to my problems and i was feeling deep guilt over my mom's death at the time. she hardly ever asked how i was doing. i finally told her i felt i was being used. she got very insulted and has never called me again. i must say i do not miss that friendship. i did check out the youtube videos but this current friend is also my neighbor and she comes by to chat. she knows my daily routines, so it is not easy to make an exit excuse with her. i think i just need to be honest, but tactful. thank you!

TerryL · Aug 06, 2017, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Does it work at all if you pivot or change the course of the conversation? For a simple example, she keeps talking about how funny he is and you say "speaking of funny..you wouldn't believe what happened to me the other day." Keep changing the course of the conversation until it's more give and take. I understand where you're coming from. I have a longtime family friend who talks my ear off and I eventually either have to vaguely agree with them and walk away or say "well, I have to x...see you later." Good luck and best wishes.

i have tried changing the subject but it is not surprising that she glosses over the new topic and is eager to switch back to her gushing. i hope this honeymoon phase of hers will pass soon. she has helped me a lot in the past so i want to reciprocate. still it is wearing..

TerryL · Aug 06, 2017, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chyialee

/\ /\ THIS

We have a very very long-time friend who was my fiancé's friend first... she is married to his best friend. And she is an accomplished & exhausting monologist. lol ~sigh~ I feel your pain! She can be so overwhelming; after a bit I just shut down. They come to visit for a number of days and afterwards I need a week-long nap!

There are just some folks who are literally scared $hitless of silence, it seems. :/

Hugs,

Chyia,

there seems to be a lot of 'monologists' out there..or at least i attract them..

TerryL · Aug 06, 2017, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cookies25

I am naturally very bad at eye contact and have an unintentional monotone voice that seems to not keep people engaged. I would try those things.. They've worked for me for decades.

i am glad they have worked for you but my friend knows me too well so i don't think they would work for me. thanks anyways.

TerryL · Aug 06, 2017, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

" I have dentist appointment", "I need to take my mom shopping"

Or don't invite her over. Meet at the coffee place, restaurant, mall. Tell her you have one hour, then you have to do xyz.

i have told a few white lies but not sure how often i can keep doing that. she and i used to talk for hours but that was when i wasn't working and had more time. plus the conversations used to be more two-way with input from both of us. this new one-way talking at me is wearing. i guess i have been in this situation so often with different friends that i am nearing the tipping point! but i really don't want to hurt this person's feelings.

TerryL · Aug 06, 2017, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Yes, good idea to get your excuse in early too so she knows her time is limited "I'm afraid I have to get back for (whatever) so I only have an hour" if she runs over then look at your watch "Where did the time go, I really have to get going"

unfortunately the chats are usually at my place and she knows i don't go out much.

Aug 07, 2017, 11:40 AM

If you are in your own home then you are at a disadvantage, I would encourage you to meet either her place or somewhere neutral so you have the option of getting up and leaving.

If that's not possible then I can only suggest telling her you have guests arriving at a certain time, again say this at the begining so she knows the boundary, and explain you will need time to get the place/yourself ready.

Jellyfish18 · Aug 07, 2017, 11:50 AM

'Sorry but I have to do something/take care of something. I only have an hour (or say how much time you have). Then I'll have to get going.' Or say you are a little tired, or have a hobby or something you want to do as an excuse.

rdgrad15 · Aug 07, 2017, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerryL

i have a dear friend who loves to talk. she can talk for 4 to 5 hrs at a time. she recently met someone and she gushes for hours about him. i want to be there for her but after 2 hours of hearing about how great he is, i am tired of it. i think it is not only the 'tmi' aspect that is wearing, but also the conversations are now mostly one-way. i have made up excuses a few times to cut things short but i am not sure how often i can do that. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I had a couple friends like that. Everything is about them. Either just keep making excuses or politely let them know how they are bothering them. Or, steer the conversation away from them at times, although this usually doesn't work since they'll just go right back to themselves.

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