[Sixlett31]

I've been with my fiancé for over 5 years but in an unconventional way. He spent a majority of those years telling me I was just his friend. Just this year he told me that he wanted to work things out with me a build a real relationship. Prior to that I had a friendly kosher dinner with an ex boyfriend who wanted to catch up but lied to my then "friend" now fiance to avoid any retaliation from him.

Right into the relationship my fiancé started accusing me of hiding something from him and he believed I was betraying him. I felt guilty about lying to him a few months back so I decided to tell him so we could be honest about our relationship. Since then we have gone into These high and low cycles. High cycles of high brought on our engagements and the low cycles where he breaks up with me because he says he can't be in a relationship... love gives him anxiety.... he can't trust me... he wants to be alone because that is who he is meant to be.

A little back story, his first love at the age of 20 told him she met someone at work and wanted to try things out with that other man. He made a vow to himself to never experience that again.

We have gone and seen one therapist a few times but no one specializing in commitment issues... he refuses to see anyone else. When he feels good he says he feels his issue going away and when the wave of anxiety comes across him he wants to push me away to the ends of the earth. I love him more than anything else in this world and I want the opportunity to share a life with this man. I know you can't make someone want to work on his or her issues, they have to want to. Has anyone else ever gone through this? How can I get him to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. Can you let him know that his issues of commitment are adversely impacting your relationship? You could try to talk him into couples counseling with the hope he'll realize he needs individual help. You're in a rough situation. I sympathize.

[PreciousQueen]

Originally Posted by Sixlett31

I've been with my fiancé for over 5 years but in an unconventional way. He spent a majority of those years telling me I was just his friend. Just this year he told me that he wanted to work things out with me a build a real relationship. Prior to that I had a friendly kosher dinner with an ex boyfriend who wanted to catch up but lied to my then "friend" now fiance to avoid any retaliation from him.

Right into the relationship my fiancé started accusing me of hiding something from him and he believed I was betraying him. I felt guilty about lying to him a few months back so I decided to tell him so we could be honest about our relationship. Since then we have gone into These high and low cycles. High cycles of high brought on our engagements and the low cycles where he breaks up with me because he says he can't be in a relationship... love gives him anxiety.... he can't trust me... he wants to be alone because that is who he is meant to be.

A little back story, his first love at the age of 20 told him she met someone at work and wanted to try things out with that other man. He made a vow to himself to never experience that again.

We have gone and seen one therapist a few times but no one specializing in commitment issues... he refuses to see anyone else. When he feels good he says he feels his issue going away and when the wave of anxiety comes across him he wants to push me away to the ends of the earth. I love him more than anything else in this world and I want the opportunity to share a life with this man. I know you can't make someone want to work on his or her issues, they have to want to. Has anyone else ever gone through this? How can I get him to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

I'm a bit drastic, but I would just leave and say "come back when you have your priorities in order." Sounds like babysitting.

[Bill3]

How can I get him to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

You have been with him for five years and, four years or so into the "friend" relationship, you felt the need to lie to him so as to avoid retaliation. Think about that: you felt the need to lie to a "friend", not even to a boyfriend or fiance, in order to avoid retaliation forhaving dinner with someone. This says to me that his issues run very deep and that if he is to recover he needs consistent individual therapy for some time. When he says that he cannot trust you and that he is meant to be alone, that also shows his need for therapy.

In my opinion, then, he is not in a position to take on a serious relationship. Unless he undergoes individual therapy and changes significantly, he is not going to be there for you, no matter how much you love him.

Just because you love someone does not mean that you should be in a relationship with that person. In five years you have not seen, as far as I can gather, any significant change in this person. How long are you willing to wait?

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sixlett

"I love him more than anything else in this world and I want the opportunity to share a life with this man"
This bit kind of bothers me considering the way he has overall treated you in this relationship...........I'm just wondering whether maybe, and I'm really sorry if I'm wrong, but whether you have some difficulties with self-esteem??? Or have had your views/expectations effected/shaped by some "less functional/rewarding" relationships in your life???
I'm not saying you can't love him, or maybe aspects of him, but..........
And he's refusing to seek/accept help in working on some of his issues.............
Here I've just got to resort to the phrase of "Sometimes love just ain't enough"

But if you do have any isues with self esteem, if you want to talk.........here for you

Alison

[eskielover]

I love him more than anything else in this world and I want the opportunity to share a life with this man.

sounds like you think with yiyr emotions rather that with your logic. You have problems with mindfulness which looks at the big picture & takes both logic & emotions together to make a wise decision about a situation.

Five years with this guy & he is unable to commit & he is getting absolutely no persinal individualvhelp to work on this? Do you think he will just magically come around to even knowing how tobcommiteven if he wants to?

You felt the need to lie or even say anything to someone who was just a friend about catching up with an old ex-BF because you feared retaliation? If he was JUST A FRIEND he had no claim or right to know or care what you were doing....then to claim it was a betrayal & you allowed him to get away with that claim?....& you felt guilty for lying to him about something that was none of his business since he was JUST A FRIEND? But that begs the question....why did you feel the need to lie to him in the first place when what you do in your life when someone is ONLY a friend is none of their dang business & retaliation shouldnt even be a concern?

Those whole 5 years were you wishing he was your BF instead if JUST a friend so you placed un-real feelings on yourself of how to react to a JUST A FRIEND relationship....you wanted him so badly as a BF that you acted like he was even when he wasn't?

Do you have issues with how youvdefine healrhy relationships yourself?

Its not your place to get him to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It will take years of him working with a good T to change his way of thinking & in the mean time you mught look into some good therapy so you can learn how to look at relationships & see them in light of REALITY instead of wishful thinking using only your emotional mind to see with.

I would break it off completely because until he gets decent therapy to work through his issues his relationship life will continue being nothing but a constant teeter totter & a solid relationship let alone a marriage can never survive or flurish that way. On top of that your inability to see a really see a relationship for what it is is not healthy for any relationship either. Not being willing to put your foot down to unhealthy behaviors & live in a relationship with inly wishful thinking is not a mature way to enter into any serioysbrelationship either.

You both need to work on yourselves before either of you are ever ready for a serious mature relationship & that level of work it takes for that kund of commitment.