[Jerry_Daniels]

I'm a 22 year old male in a serious relationship with a beautiful young woman. She just finished her undergraduate degree. We spent a lot of the school year and most of the summer together, now she's in Atlanta and I'm in Ohio. I get a little anxious and am pretty much mentally stable, she suffers from PTSD and is fairly high functioning.

Recently, we had a large argument that left her crying and needing space. She had asked if I was okay with her living with me in my campus housing while I finish my final year of undergrad. I shot her down, explaining that I find it hard to balance commitments and friendships when she lives with me, and that logistically it would be challenging to share campus housing. She told me she had been joking, and that she didn't understand why I was so opposed to even the idea of living with her.

Soon after, we had an emotional talk that left her sobbing, where I explained that even though I care about her, and have fantasized about a future with her I'm unsure of whether or not we have a long term future together.

She took a few days break from communicating with me (which seemed like forever to both of us, we text a lot and are fairly codependent). When she video called me, she explained that she feels that I was misleading her when I'd talk about a future I wasn't ready to commit to, and that she loves me very deeply. She told me her friends thought we should break up.

We ultimately decided to avoid talking about the future and to continue our relationship, which will be long distance with occasional visits.

I really love her, but still am not sure if she is the person I want to spend my life with. I'm very affectionate and passionate, and even when we're just video chatting I often feel infatuated with her. During each chat I feel like I'm committing to her, which feels good but also means that if I'm not willing to make this relationship work long term I'm going to break her heart even worse than if we ended our relationship now. This leaves me feeling anxious and guilty.

We have complementary goals (she wants to open her own reproductive health clinic, I study public health) and similar world views despite being very different culturally (she's an Indian American citizen, I'm white, mostly Irish and Jewish). We're fiercely loyal to each other.

All this is complicated by the fact that when she stayed at my place for about a month my parents and sister felt personally attacked by her. She's blunt, loud, stubborn, and uncomfortable in our conservative white Ohio suburb. My parents never let her know they felt harassed by her, instead venting to me after she left. Some of the things they mentioned that upset them were similar to behaviors I have been challenged by in our relationship with each other.

I do not want to break up with her, but I feel irresponsible (and even manipulative) when I shower her with "i love you's". I've told her that she's 'the love of my life' before, and that comment was the first thing she mentioned was extremely misleading when I brought up my fears of commitment. It feels wrong to show affection when I am not totally certain that there is a future in the relationship. That being said, I do love her and want to try and see how the relationship goes as we try being long distance with occasional extended visits. Ultimately I am hopeful that with effort we can make the relationship work.

When I dated my first girlfriend, I broke her heart by overcommitting to her. We talked about marriage, lived together for about a year, and developed an intense personally and physically codependent relationship. ultimately I ended the relationship shortly after I went across the country to start college. My current girlfriend is not my first girlfriend, there are massive differences in their maturity, ambition, etc. but I worry about continuing that pattern of reckless commitment that is wonderful for a long time but ultimately harmful to both me and my partner.

My girlfriend and I have been video chatting a few times a week, texting a lot, and she is coming to visit soon. I miss and love her, and I have thrown out the idea that we should aim to spend at least 9 days together, so that we have two weekends where I won't be super busy with school.
Would appreciate your thoughts, thanks PC!

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. If you are harboring doubts as you say you are, she's not the one. Is there any way you can sit down and have a heart to heart with her regarding your commitment fears? She deserves honesty as do you. The long term relationship may answer the question since they are notoriously hard. Good luck.

[Teddy Bear]

Do you think it's a fear of commitment?

[Bill3]

It feels wrong to show affection when I am not totally certain that there is a future in the relationship.

Totally certain? That is too severe a standard in my opinion. I do not see the current lack of total certainty as a reason to break up at once or not show affection.

I think that one's level of understanding of a person and a relationship, and commitment to her and it, can grow over time. Or not, time will tell--but where you are right now does not seem to me like a place where no affection should be shown.

That being said, I do love her and want to try and see how the relationship goes as we try being long distance with occasional extended visits. Ultimately I am hopeful that with effort we can make the relationship work.

That makes sense to me. It would be god to think about how you will you know whether the relationship is working or not.

I worry about continuing that pattern of reckless commitment

Reckless? I'm not sure. Having a close relationship, living together for a year, does not necessarily sound reckless. Maybe it was--what makes you use the word reckless? Or maybe the relationship was good at the time but just did not work out. What do you think?

What did your parents think of your previous relationship?

but I feel irresponsible (and even manipulative) when I shower her with "i love you's". I've told her that she's 'the love of my life' before, and that comment was the first thing she mentioned was extremely misleading when I brought up my fears of commitment.

Valid point. What do you suppose was leading you to make these statements to her, rather than stopping short of them?

[Jerry_Daniels]

Thanks for the input everyone, especially Bill3 for providing such thoughtful reactions and questions! I'll be back later when I'm finished mulling all of this over some more

[Molinit]

You are brutally honest and unnecessarily so in the context of the question she asked. If I were her, I would take your answers as a clue that you weren't the person I wanted to be with and I'd move myself on to the next person.

Just my opinion, but you really need to work on your delivery of answers like that. You could deliver an answer with much more kindness than you did. Hopefully with future relationships you will have learned how to do that.