[ChloeBriarRose]

A friend of mine has gone through a breakup after a very intense and volatile relationship, where she fought with her partner constantly. My friend has a history of volatile romantic relationships, where they tend to fall apart due to her jealousy and insecurities. This friend describes herself as having an "anxious preoccupied" relationship style.

Since this breakup, this friend of mine has hit quite a depression. She has also lost a lot of weight, and is in an extremely bad place at the moment. I have tried to be supportive, i speak to her about it in person and over the phone. She would ask me "what's the point in anything", and, "i can't do this anymore" and i grew increasingly concerned. I told her to see a psychologist, and she listened. I also told her to join a gym, and she's also looking into that.

The only thing she texts me is about her ex partner. She was quite obsessive during the relationship, where i had to give excessive advice on how she should behave (to not come across as jealous, to seem laid back and in control of her emotions in front of her partner). Since the breakup, her obsession has become out of control. I feel she has become slightly dependent on my help, my reassurance and my advice. She tells me that i am all she has to talk to. Regardless, i feel i give measured advice that i feel would be helpful.

I am happy to help. Sometimes, however, i can see that her 'anxious preoccupied' personality tendencies come through in our relationship also. For example, if i don't respond to her text messages straight away, she assumes that i don't like her and she gets angry at me, pointing out how i am a bad friend because i "don't care". If i cannot meet up with her because i am busy, she assumes that i don't like her, and she gets angry at me also. She has said that i am not supportive and that i'm not doing enough for her. She tells me how much 'more supportive' she would be if the situation was in reverse. I am trying, it just doesn't seem to be enough. I would like to point out that she has always been this way, it has only become worse since the breakup. I find myself always walking on eggshells not to upset her or set her off, and this genuinely makes me anxious to be around her. This commences a cycle, where i can't see her too often because it drains me, which makes her feel more neglected and hence angry, which makes me behave more distantly.... Basically, i would be more inclined to spend more time with her if she was a) nicer to me and b) more humble with her expectations.

The other day i was having a bad day emotionally, as i also have my battles to fight in life, and didn't have to patience or mindset to discuss her ex when she was over. She clearly did not like the fact that i tried to avoid the topic of her ex. She kept making sly comments, rolling her eyes at people discussing other topics, and generally was rude to my sister who was in the house at the time. She would say things like "who the **** cares about that...” towards topics that didn't interest her. Which annoyed me, but by no means shocked me because i know that's how she is. She ended up crying because she felt there was no attention of herself, and we had a big fight. She told me that the reason i was in a bad mood was "ridiculous" and ended up storming out of my house without even saying goodbye. I told her to "get over herself", which i am not proud of. This is the first time i have snapped and i feel horrible, but at the same time she was so rude to me and everyone in my house.

I care for this person, and i want so much to see her happy, but i don't know how to cope with this behavior. it is hard and emotionally draining on me too. I hate seeing her so unhappy, but i feel like this is no longer a friendship. it's like she wants me to be a psychologist, not a friend.

sorry the really long post. i appreciate any help on the matter.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I don't get the impression she'll change and it's no longer a give and take relationship, if it ever was plus she treats you badly. I think it's time for you to take a break from this friendship and ponder which direction to go from here. There is no excuse for her poor treatment of you or of your family. You deserve better. I hope you make a decision that brings you peace and healing. Sending big hugs.

[Teddy Bear]

Welcome to PC