[The_DollMage]

I was the outsider at a friend of my partner's birthday and I almost made a scene.

My partner, Shane, took me to his friend Dawna's birthday. I was really excited to have fun and get tipsy and play cards against humanity. I had been wanting to initiate myself into their inner friend circle for awhile and this was my big chance.

But I blew it.

There was one woman who I kept hearing about. Marissa. She was acclaimed as "one of the coolest chicks" they know and liked by almost everyone. (Except one guy who was particularly hateful for her for reasons which seemed outside of her control) Regardless I was prepared to try to make a good impression and be cool and fun. I know I can be. I know it's in me.

I had shown up late so I took a couple shots of Sailor Jerry to get on everyone else's level and I could feel it making my head start to swim when I headed outside with Shane to meet this woman who was so highly regarded. It starts out okay. I'm anxious but chilling and trying to sell an air of relaxed nonchalance.

But then Marissa brings up a concept from a popular movie, the Dobler-Dahmer theory. If you aren't acquainted it basically states:

"If both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture works: Dobler, but if one person isn't into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy: Dahmer."

She described this from what appeared to be a place of internalized misogyny however because she followed it by assuring that women are "just crazy."

None of you really know me but I am a feminist and I tend to get a little too heated when I hear things like this. (If a normal SJW annoys you then one with a passion intensifying mental disorder will terrify you) I am trying to work on keeping my cool, for the sake of Shane, and not doing too badly.

That is until Shane's friend Nick states,

"Marissa is the template all women should be molded after,"

I am the only other chick out here at the moment and the rum is already kicking in. I feel ostracized and tossed aside. I wish I had had a clever comeback to shut down both of their sexist ********. I wish I had pointed out that Dahmer wasn't even into women. I wish I could have tossed my hair and laughed and pointed out how their ideas are based on conformation bias and that Marissa pandering to men's need to make women seem irrational was, at best, just sad. I didn't though. I'm sure my face turned beat red and I got up to leave.

"**** me, I guess," was all I said and gave a sharp little laugh before heading inside where I immediately ran into Dawna and another female friend of hers. I guess my irritation was apparent because one asked if I was okay.

Once again the rum made me spill out venom.

"Just trying to get away from all the Marissa worship,"

I knew it was the wrong thing to say to the wrong people. I marked myself as the outsider. The hater. I busied myself with trying to find my phone to distract myself but it was too late. I could feel the rage of emotions beginning to build against the dam of my self control. I could feel it was going to spill. I couldn't be alone. I needed an alibi. I needed an ally.

I went to fetch Shane with some weak excuse about my needing him to look at something wrong with my car. He followed me outside and I began to try to explain to him what was wrong. I could see it in his eyes though. The exasperation. I could feel his growing irritation and my own tears beggining to well up. There was a man sitting outside at the house next to them and a garage open with a light on across the way. If I was going to blow it had to be somewhere private.

"Please, can we go in your car," I begged Shane. I knew the tinted windows would provide enough cover for me. He sighed and asked why. When I explained it was because I didn't want anyone to see me breaking down.

"No one can see you," He said, his irritation growing.

I tried not to let what i perceived to be a lack of compassion on his part throw me over the edge. I know he is just human and I knew I was being irrational.

I was being everything Marissa implied women were.

I had to find shelter. My pleading and growing unease finally convinced Shane to take me into his car. I knew he was annoyed that I had dragged him from his friends. I had done it so many other times. I feel like I am always such a stressor to him. I tried so hard to hold it together in his car as I ranted about what happened. How she had been praised as a woman for throwing other women under the bus. How I was proving her right. How I made myself into an enemy.

I lost it again... I hit myself. I cussed and hissed and clawed at myself. I screamed and cried that I wanted to die and hated myself. It's always surreal thinking back about my behaviour after I have calmed down. I know how pathetic I looked. How disgusted Shane must have been with me. Now it seems like it should have been so easy to just laugh off what happened and move on. But in the moment there was a growing storm in my head. Slamming against me and tearing down my composure. I felt myself filling up with fire and I needed to let it out and destroy myself and everything around me. Destroy the world that was so confusing and caused me so much stress to navigate. To punish myself for not just calming down and being rational. For being a threat to Shane's ability to enjoy his night.

He stayed there with me, though he threatened to leave several times when I started to get too much for him. He stayed and kept a calm, if troubled, tone with me. He helped me come up with an alibi, because I had already cried most of my makeup off and my face would be red and puffy when I went in. He could have left me there to destroy myself but he didn't. Even though it took him away from his friends he stayed. Even though he was annoyed with me he stayed.

And the storm started to break.
...

I did end up going home after I calmed down. I don't know if anyone believes that I was upset because of drama from my family or not. Or if I am still marked as "the chick who hated on our hallowed Marissa,"

I do know I didn't handle the situation like I should but also that I didn't lose it as much as I could have. I'm tired of this though.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. I hope it goes better when you next go out with his friends.

[Bill3]

What do you find helps with self-control on the moment?

[avlady]

you sound pretty upset when people talk trash about other women. Just because you are a feminist, like a lot of women with good reason, If I were you I would just shake it off aand roll it over my shoulders. You sound also like you could use some help therapist wise. could you get a therapist? you need to let off steam but not too much anymore than Shane can handle as it is a sensitive thing to do and it might drive him away. I would get some help if I were you. you did good in letting your emotions go outside and not make a scene. good luck!!!!!!!

[The_DollMage]

Originally Posted by avlady

If I were you I would just shake it off aand roll it over my shoulders.

Normally I would and I realize that would have been the logical thing to do. Unfortunately the logical thing isn't always so easy to accomplish especially when you are already fighting demons and under the influence of alcohol. I would hope that this isn't something I would have to explain to someone on here as I am sure we all would prefer to do the rational thing instead of losing control but, alas, that why we are here.

As far as getting into therapy goes I am working on that. I have been working towards getting my affordable care plan up and going and as soon as it is I will get a therapist and psychiatrist.

I did not come here to be fed platitudes or reminded of what I should have done. Usually I am aware of what I should have done and what I need to do. I am just here seeking support from others who suffer from the same issues as me and assurance that I am not alone. I understand you believe that you are being helpful and appreciate that.
However, let me assure you... this was not.

[The_DollMage]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you find helps with self-control on the moment?

That is a good question. Normally removing myself from the situation helps and I attempted to but I think the rum made it harder to control myself. I should probably refrain from drinking when I am entering a new social circle from now on. Using alcohol as a coping tool is never helpful

[Bill3]

I agree with that idea: No alcohol as a coping tool.

Have you ever found anything that helps you besides actually leaving the building?

[The_DollMage]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree with that idea: No alcohol as a coping tool.

Have you ever found anything that helps you besides actually leaving the building?

Not really :/ I have a hard time keeping control of myself. I've tried breathing but if i'm not removed from the situation pressure just keeps building.

[Bill3]

Is that equally true both when sober and when drinking?

[strawberrylove]

I honestly wish your boyfriend was more understanding during that time of needing someone to help you cool down. It's sad you're having to deal with your own demons and then having to have more stress on top of that when you feel like you're upsetting your partner. I understand why you got upset about what they said, it's kinda a punch to the face being a girl and having a male say that you're basically not what guys "want" and while drinking alcohol, you're not in the right state of mind, that won't help you at all. Sorry you didn't get to enjoy your time, I hope you feel better.

First, I want to tell you that you write BEAUTIFULLY! Reading your story reminded me of reading a novel, I was on the edge of my seat and appreciated the honesty you had and willingness to see your own faults and warts. You are not pretentious and have insight into yourself very few have. If you use it correctly, it will serve you well. You know what the "best" way to handle it was but can admit your humanity....so few people have this gift.

[mama pajama]

You were anxious (lack of a better word) on making a good impression on meeting a group of people that are important to someone that's important to you. I think most people are like this when meeting a new bf/gf group of friends. It's pretty natural to want to be accepted and fit it. You had a lot of alcohol in a short period of time to calm nerves/keep up with the group. This is also very common, at least in my experience! The combo of nerves/alcohol can and more likely than not, backfire. I've had it happen to me, my friends and family.
The good news is you got out of the situation and no one but your so saw your breakdown when it happened. My guess is your bf was irritated partially because you were assuming it was a bigger deal to his friends that it was.
If they are the type of people to judge you so harshly after such a short interaction then you need to decide if such people are worth getting so upset over.

Edit to add- I reread your post and replies and it seems you are very much aware of everything I said. If it makes you feel better to know, yes this does happen to others! My brother (along with everyone else in our family) has massive horrible anxiety. He was invited to my very social husbands stag party before our wedding. It was a weekend deal and lots of alcohol. All I heard afterwards was what a *** my brother was, even earning a nickname for himself! I really felt so bad as I knew he was on edge and acted poorly bc of it/alcohol. I know he was so ashamed and probably didn't want to go to my wedding 2 weeks later and face people. He went and it was fine. No one even brought up anything to him to his relief!

[Erebos]

And this is why I don't drink in the company of others...in fact I don't drink at all. You vet what I mean though.
Incidentally if your going to post on a public forum, you will get platitudes, attitude, things you don't agree with, and sometimes utter b.s.
If you are hyper sensitive to these things, posting your most delicate moments on forums,especially ones dedicated to those with mental health and personality disorders is possibly not the wisest choice to make.

We aren't mind readers, we can't possibly know what you do or don't want to hear, but most will be honest.

With regards to your post....doubt I can be much help, I don't have any female friends for the very reason I can not be bothered with the drama. It sounds like you walked into Marissa's web and wound up like a thrashing fly.
Still never mind, I would care less about what they think about it and be thankful your bf sat it out with you.
I suspect most bf's would have left their gf in the car and gone back to their friends.
I am guessing this kind of flake out is common, from what you said in your post.
I would offer some insight but I don't fancy getting it shoved back down the proverbial.

I do however wish you and yours all the best for the future. Take care.

[Wisteria Rose]

Hi! 🙂

I'm not going to use the coulda, woulda, shoulda logic cause I have been where you are 🙂

Oh I*know* that storm and then the guilt I felt afterwards. I just recently lost my cool, the explosion hit me so fast I didn't stand a chance. It took me 2 weeks to pinpoint what exactly had set me off. It was my husband yet again playing the victim, denying promises he'd made and broken, pretended to be a great spouse yet, when the counselor wasn't looking at him, he was smirking and sneering. I too am a feminist and to have him denegrate the fact that I gave up my career to support his, make comments like Oh you're too sensitive etc well.. put me through the roof. I recently discovered he has set up notifications on *my* credit/debit cards. This limits any help I am trying to get. He tracks everything I do and then I am interrogated. Keeping my wits about me is not easy when someone is intentionally pushing my buttons.
So, I am doing something he'd never even guess - as soon as I have the nerve, I am going to talk to a Priest. I'm not religious but I have always found great support and comfort when working through things with a Priest.
I know if I don't get out of my current situation, it will destroy me. What I want to do is make sure that storm never gets on top of me again. So I am working on forgiving myself, I'm hard on myself, always have been.

I think you handeled your storm very good! You felt it coming and removed yourself from the instigation. Give yourself a huge high five, imo 🙂

Hopefully I don't sound like I'm preaching, I simply wanted to convey - you are not alone. The road we have to travel is a long one, more of a marathon than a sprint 😁

Take care 🤗

Wisteria Rose

Originally Posted by The_DollMage

Normally I would and I realize that would have been the logical thing to do. Unfortunately the logical thing isn't always so easy to accomplish especially when you are already fighting demons and under the influence of alcohol. I would hope that this isn't something I would have to explain to someone on here as I am sure we all would prefer to do the rational thing instead of losing control but, alas, that why we are here.

As far as getting into therapy goes I am working on that. I have been working towards getting my affordable care plan up and going and as soon as it is I will get a therapist and psychiatrist.

I did not come here to be fed platitudes or reminded of what I should have done. Usually I am aware of what I should have done and what I need to do. I am just here seeking support from others who suffer from the same issues as me and assurance that I am not alone. I understand you believe that you are being helpful and appreciate that.
However, let me assure you... this was not.