[Tropicana]

Dear all,

I feel so down these days and would really like some advice on this situation. My partner and I moved from the UK to Chile last February so we could have an adventure for a year. The plan was to return to the UK in Jan 2018.

My partner is from Sweden and all his family live there. For the past three years, his father has been battling with cancer and recently his markers have gone up and his medical file is in the emergency pile. We do not really know how long he has left, but we´re fairly certain it is months. My partner of course feels extremely guilty for not being there with his family right now even though he did visit Sweden for three weeks in June to spend time with his family. I couldn´t go as I am a teacher and cannot leave in the middle of the school year here in Chile.

Given this news, my partner has now expressed that he would like to go to Sweden and be with his family for 2-3 months and if at that point, his father has still not passed away, assess the situation and decide whether to come back or stay longer. I completely understand why he wants to go and I have told him that he should. If that was happening to my mother, I would be on the first flight home. However, a part of me feels very sad about all of this. I resent the fact that he will leave me alone in a foreign country by myself where I have no other support network; all my family are in the UK and although I have made a few friends, there is no one that close. I resent that he will quite possibly not be back to spend Christmas with me, but instead spend it in Sweden. And if he is not back before January, I also resent the idea of me having to organize my return home by myself without him there. This year was meant to be OUR adventure and now it feels like it has been ruined. I also feel so excluded in all of this – the fact that he is going to be going through something so big without me there with him, breaks my heart and makes me feel less important than his family. I know, rationally, that he loves me and I am important to him, but emotionally, I feel a sense of abandonment and fear at being alone.

Am I selfish for feeling this way?

You're being 100% honest about how you feel, but in this situation, you have to put his needs ahead of your own. He is going through a family ordeal and crisis and needs to be with his family for however long. He is not abandoning you on purpose, but he needs to do this. You're going to have to understand and have compassion for the situation and for him. Yes, your year was ruined, but these things happen in life, unfortunately, and we must deal with them the best we can. You can video Skype with him every day while he's gone so that you're not so lonely, and stay in close touch. But you have to think of his needs now.. not your own. I know it's not easy.. but you will get through it! ((((Hugs)))

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

You're being 100% honest about how you feel, but in this situation, you have to put his needs ahead of your own. He is going through a family ordeal and crisis and needs to be with his family for however long. He is not abandoning you on purpose, but he needs to do this. You're going to have to understand and have compassion for the situation and for him. Yes, your year was ruined, but these things happen in life, unfortunately, and we must deal with them the best we can. You can video Skype with him every day while he's gone so that you're not so lonely, and stay in close touch. But you have to think of his needs now.. not your own. I know it's not easy.. but you will get through it! ((((Hugs)))

I agree. Excellent response.

[pifi]

Originally Posted by Tropicana

Dear all,

I feel so down these days and would really like some advice on this situation. My partner and I moved from the UK to Chile last February so we could have an adventure for a year. The plan was to return to the UK in Jan 2018.

My partner is from Sweden and all his family live there. For the past three years, his father has been battling with cancer and recently his markers have gone up and his medical file is in the emergency pile. We do not really know how long he has left, but we´re fairly certain it is months. My partner of course feels extremely guilty for not being there with his family right now even though he did visit Sweden for three weeks in June to spend time with his family. I couldn´t go as I am a teacher and cannot leave in the middle of the school year here in Chile.

Given this news, my partner has now expressed that he would like to go to Sweden and be with his family for 2-3 months and if at that point, his father has still not passed away, assess the situation and decide whether to come back or stay longer. I completely understand why he wants to go and I have told him that he should. If that was happening to my mother, I would be on the first flight home. However, a part of me feels very sad about all of this. I resent the fact that he will leave me alone in a foreign country by myself where I have no other support network; all my family are in the UK and although I have made a few friends, there is no one that close. I resent that he will quite possibly not be back to spend Christmas with me, but instead spend it in Sweden. And if he is not back before January, I also resent the idea of me having to organize my return home by myself without him there. This year was meant to be OUR adventure and now it feels like it has been ruined. I also feel so excluded in all of this – the fact that he is going to be going through something so big without me there with him, breaks my heart and makes me feel less important than his family. I know, rationally, that he loves me and I am important to him, but emotionally, I feel a sense of abandonment and fear at being alone.

Am I selfish for feeling this way?

i agree, you have to be understanding and not resent to him, he has no control over it. i also understand that you wanna be with him, so if you can allow yourself, maybe do join him for a while in sweden, and prostpone your advaenture year togather...

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Tropicana, and welcome to Psych Central! I can understand your feeling abandoned, but as you say, in your friend's situation, you would go home, too. Try to enjoy the time in Chile until you and your a partner can get back together. Just think, you can do exactly what you want to do--without any compromises, for the time being.

[Shazerac]

It's never selfish to have a feeling. We all have them. Nothing to feel guilty about. It's what you do about them that matters.

It seems like in this situation that you need to be there for your husband and help him how you can. He's going through a difficult time.

It doesn't make you a bad person to feel abandoned, frustrated, disappointed or anything else.

[Travelinglady]

Good point, Shazerac. Tropicana, would he like you to go with him at least for a bit?