[rufiki]

Hi. I'm new here and a mental health novice. I'm having trouble handling issues that are new to me. My Girlfriend has been in a psych ward now for 2 weeks. She is apparently mostly living in a paranoid world where her daughter, my family, and sometimes me, are out to hurt her in different ways. I never saw this coming and I don't know how to handle it. I visit every night, but I don't see any improvement. the 1st 8 days every day was worse. Now, sometimes she seems to know that some things she sees and hears aren't real and will ask intelligent questions and seem to believe my answers. But many nights, she insists on the most outrageous and hurtful things and gets mad when I tell her they're not true. She said horrible things about her teenage daughter last night, I almost walked out, I was so upset and wanted to punch a wall or something. I'm committed to helping her through this, but I have trouble sleeping now, I'm losing weight and always have a feeling of dread in my stomach. I'm so worried I can't stand it.

[Nammu]

As stressful as this is right now try to make no permanent decisions while your life is in crisis.

[Nix]

As someone who's had psychotic episodes, I did not realize at the time how traumatic it was for the people around me, and I felt really awful about it later when I did hear how it had affected them. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I replied on your other post. Take good care of yourself and take it one day at a time. I hope your girlfriend gets well soon. I know it's hard. Sending big hugs.

[Bill3]

But many nights, she insists on the most outrageous and hurtful things and gets mad when I tell her they're not true.

Rather than contradict her, an option might be to use active listening. On this approach you don't tell her that you agree or disagree with what she says. Instead, you show that you understand what she said, without judging it or her.

Let's say that she says You have always hated me.

In the past you might say No, that's not true, I love you.--and she would get angry.

With active listening you would say something like:

Right now you have such a strong feeling that I dislike you.

You don't agree or disagree, you show that you understand.

When you show that you understand (without judging), you are with her. She isn't alone anymore.

[Nix]

^^^ This!!! So much this!!!!!

[rufiki]

Nammu: No, I love her deeply and am committed to helping her get better. She and her daughter and I are a family, I'm not making any rash decisions. Thanks.

Bill3: Good advice, I think. I've tried, but she sometimes says very hurtful things about her daughter (mostly) and sometimes me. I don't see how I can go along when she insists I must throw her daughter out of the house because she is poisoning her or that I'm cheating on her. Most of the time I try to stay positive and light and not disagree too much, but it's hard not to defend her daughter, who is feeling this very personally. I'll try to do better.

Thank you all for your support, and advice, I really appreciate it.

[Sunflower123]

You are a good person. I replied on your other post again. I'll stick to this one from now on. Do they know what caused this onset or if she's been properly diagnosed all these years? Are they giving you any input as far as what's going on, prognosis, treatment, etc?

Can you tell her that what she is saying is hurtful? Without disagreement and with compassion for her state of mind? Is she aware that she is experiencing a psychosis, and that these thoughts and accusations are paranoia and delusional? Can you get some guidance from her doctors on how to handle these things? I am so sorry for what you are going through.. and for she and her daughter, your family... this sounds very painful indeed. I hope she gets well soon. Wish I had some good advice for you. :/ ((((Hugs)))))

[Bill3]

I've tried, but she sometimes says very hurtful things about her daughter (mostly) and sometimes me. I don't see how I can go along when she insists I must throw her daughter out of the house because she is poisoning her or that I'm cheating on her.

You would not be going along with it if you use active listening. You are not agreeing with her. For example, if she says to throw her out of the house, active listening responses might be You really want her to leave, don't you?, or You're furious with her. If she claims that the daughter is poisoning her, you could for example say You're certain that she wants to hurt you.

If it were me, I would explain privately to the daughter what active listening is and why it is a useful technique. I also would explain privately to her that I fully realize that she is not poisoning her mother and that I do not want her to be thrown out and that her mother is wrong to be upset with her but, as she well knows, her mother is not well at the moment.

[rufiki]

Thank you Bill. I will try that. I have explained to her daughter that I trust her and love her and obviously won't throw her out. I will try your suggestion tonight.

Jennifer, thank you again. I have other posts because I have a lot of questions and possibly there is more than 1 issue here and I don't know where they belong. Throw enough questions out there and some may be answered. As for diagnosis, I've not talked to any doctors in the ward. The floor nurse says doctors don't usually talk to family there, though the nurses and social worker? have been most helpful and informative, as far as they can. I know she is on an anti-psychotic, and anti-anxiety med, don't remember what they are, I don't know drugs. Last night she refused meds and they apparently can't make her take them, probably why she refused our visit. Any previous diagnosis was from her regular MD, she's never really had psych treatment before, just a little counseling with a family therapist.

Golden_eve, Thank you so much. Mostly when I talk to her, she hears my voice and looks at me, but her response doesn't match what I said. I asked what she had for dinner, she responded with, See? You saw it too!, That ship blew up in San Francisco!. I think she mostly hears my voice but turns my words to match whatever is going on in her head. So explaining she is saying something hurtful or inappropriate hasn't worked so far. There have been maybe 2 days (last weekend maybe?) when she would ask questions about things she heard or saw. She explained there's 2 worlds, and me and her daughter are in one, but she is sometimes in the other and would try to figure out which things went in which world, like, Was I in Tiajuana last night? No Baby, you're here, in the hospital. OH, I thought you guys abandoned me on the other side of the border, that wasn't real? No Baby, I would never do that to you. Days like that give me hope but there's only been 2 of them in the last 15 days. then she regresses and it crushes me. Last night when she rejected our visit I broke down in the parking lot and wept. Her daughter took my keys and drove us home.

As always, thank you so much for your responses and advice. And sorry to ramble on so, for certain reasons I have no one who understands this kind of thing. Just her daughter, who's suffering too, but she would rather not talk about it, mostly, and she is more mad than sad. I can't bring myself to be mad at my girlfriend, it's not her fault.

[Nammu]

That has got to be so hard.

[rufiki]

Update: Just got back from visiting my girlfriend, she was better tonight. She was still upset at her daughter, I tried to discuss her feelings about that and she still believed her daughter was poisoning her. But I gained her trust, and she began to believe it wasn't true, it was one of those nights where she knows not everything she hears or sees is real. Sadly, at those times she is most scared, because she knows somethings wrong with her and it terrifies her. But I believe it's progress. I can't let myself get too encouraged though, I can't take the crushing disappointment when she regresses, which she's done every time so far. But it's progress, right?

[Shazerac]

I'm sorry having such a difficult time with this. It sounds like you are a good person. Try to keep in mind that when someone is in a psychotic episode they say well psycho things. She probably doesn't mean it and may not even remember saying it.

I strongly advise you to see a therapist yourself to help deal with this if you are committed to standing by her. You can't do it alone.

[rufiki]

Another update: I was driving to my granddaughter's birthday in San Diego (2 hours away) this morning when the hospital called to discuss my girlfriend's release. I was surprised because every night I ask about her progress and the floor nurse always says it could be a few more weeks, be patient etc. So I asked when they were going to release her and they said, Today, When can you pick her up? She's no longer a danger to herself. I was almost to San Diego so I said 5:00 tonight. OK. Then the worker called back and said the doctor said, Quote: If you're not here in an hour, we're giving her a bus pass and putting her on the sidewalk! I was appalled. Of course I turned around and headed right back, took about 1 1/2 hrs but she was still there. They wheeled her out with 4 security guards holding her in the wheelchair. I asked for care instructions, maybe aftercare referrals. I received an envelope full of papers. At home I read them, the referrals were a suicide hotline # and 2 homeless shelters! The rest was stuff saying things like, "if you still have hallucinations, go to the emergency room! She was asking if Obama called me as she got in my car! This is health care? It's outrageous!

Originally Posted by rufiki

Golden_eve, Thank you so much. Mostly when I talk to her, she hears my voice and looks at me, but her response doesn't match what I said. I asked what she had for dinner, she responded with, See? You saw it too!, That ship blew up in San Francisco!. I think she mostly hears my voice but turns my words to match whatever is going on in her head. So explaining she is saying something hurtful or inappropriate hasn't worked so far. There have been maybe 2 days (last weekend maybe?) when she would ask questions about things she heard or saw. She explained there's 2 worlds, and me and her daughter are in one, but she is sometimes in the other and would try to figure out which things went in which world, like, Was I in Tiajuana last night? No Baby, you're here, in the hospital. OH, I thought you guys abandoned me on the other side of the border, that wasn't real? No Baby, I would never do that to you. Days like that give me hope but there's only been 2 of them in the last 15 days. then she regresses and it crushes me. Last night when she rejected our visit I broke down in the parking lot and wept. Her daughter took my keys and drove us home.

Oh man. I wish I could offer guidance on this, but I am at a loss. I've never dealt with psychosis like that with someone. All I can offer is my sympathy and many many hugs. I am so sorry for your situation. I hope someone else can provide guidance for you. Do hang there.

Originally Posted by rufiki

Another update: I was driving to my granddaughter's birthday in San Diego (2 hours away) this morning when the hospital called to discuss my girlfriend's release. I was surprised because every night I ask about her progress and the floor nurse always says it could be a few more weeks, be patient etc. So I asked when they were going to release her and they said, Today, When can you pick her up? She's no longer a danger to herself. I was almost to San Diego so I said 5:00 tonight. OK. Then the worker called back and said the doctor said, Quote: If you're not here in an hour, we're giving her a bus pass and putting her on the sidewalk! I was appalled. Of course I turned around and headed right back, took about 1 1/2 hrs but she was still there. They wheeled her out with 4 security guards holding her in the wheelchair. I asked for care instructions, maybe aftercare referrals. I received an envelope full of papers. At home I read them, the referrals were a suicide hotline # and 2 homeless shelters! The rest was stuff saying things like, "if you still have hallucinations, go to the emergency room! She was asking if Obama called me as she got in my car! This is health care? It's outrageous!

That is appalling! My word. Disgusting.

[rufiki]

Thank you to everybody who answered with suggestions or sympathy. You have no idea what it means to me. I was feeling alone and kind of lost. Your words really helped.

My girlfriend is weak, but cognizant and I actually haven't seen any signs of delusion today. She has been able to hold a conversation with me, and so far, follows my instructions regarding meds and food. She is confused about her hospital stay, she believes the doctors messed with her mind and that's why she had delusions. She's pretty stuck on that idea, and I see no harm in letting it go for now. She no longer believes her daughter was poisoning her, unfortunately her daughter is now a little scared of her. Not physically, but afraid to talk much to her for fear of being yelled at again. Oddly enough my girlfriend, who normally has a strong personality and is very talkative and outgoing, has been very quiet, meek even. Hoping as she eats and gets stronger she will gain strength.

It's only been 1 day, but I'm seeing progress, seems like she's better trhan the day she entered the hospital 18 days ago.

[Bill3]

You are a very caring person.

[Erebos]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
My brother suffers from trauma and drug related psychosis and I am horrified that as her primary carer with a dependant in the home that you haven't been given some form of diagnosis. This is worrying to say the least.
I don't know about the terms of internment in the US or it's individual states. But I suggest you get reading, and fast.
Find out how long she can be hospitalized, how much influence you have over that as her primary carer.
Can you be made legally responsible for her if she is unable to be responsible for herself.
We have services over here who provide us with this information, the social services for one.

As tempting as it is to allow her delusion of the des messing with her, I would gently distract her from that notion as it could make getting her into treatment nigh on impossible if she starts to believe they made her sick.
Then you will get the blame for putting her in the hospital.

I know how tiring it is to have to think so many steps ahead when the steps are totally irrational, I just want to direct you to avoid making things more difficult without realising.

I do very much wish you all the best it is a long hard fought road to recovery. Please please get yourself support to help you cope.

[rufiki]

Thank you Erebos. It's a holiday weekend here and nothing is open until tomorrow. I am trying to take some time off to care for her. I will start trying to line up therapy and future outpatient help tomorrow. I've been pushing her daughter to contact her insurance to line up some therapist appointments, she's 19 and legally an adult so she has different insurance and her own will! I obtained 3 therapist referrals for myself last week when I was really struggling, and I'll start working on that as soon as I get things stabilized here. Seems like so much to do! But I realize we are all going to need help. I'm trying hard to hold us all together, but I know it's taking a toll on me. This 1st week will be tough, but with help and hope and love, things will hopefully get better.