[BleedTheFreak]

Am I an idiot?

I fell in love with a woman that I've truly loved for the past five years that I've known her online. I'm happy to report that she's in love with me as well. What I'm not happy to report is that she lives in Finland, and this all came at the expense of a four-year relationship that ended a month ago.

Long story short, my ex-girlfriend (henceforth known as "Sally") knew something was up. Our relationship was a farce by the time I professed my love to the girl in Finland (henceforth known as "Jane.") But I wavered a bit after thinking about how hard a long-distance relationship with Jane would be. Not only that, but I was unsure of whether or not I'd ever be able to live with Jane. Residence permits, citizenship, all that ****. So, she sent me out to visit her, but I was visiting as a taken man, having determined staying with Sally and working things out was the better course of action. Two days into the visit, Sally messages me, saying she wants to break up because her friends brought her to a realization of how stupid she was for letting me visit Jane. She used her x-ray vision from 4,400 miles away and determined I still had a thing for Jane, and basically told me "have a nice life with her." Interesting, because as I previously stated, I left Michigan knowing that I wanted to work on things with Sally instead. But, since this was our fourth breakup, I shrugged and didn't protest. From that moment on, my focus has been on Jane.

Now I'm having doubts. Sure, Jane and I have discussed our future and have determined we can make things work. But, there are so many variables at play. In the time it takes for us to finally be together in Finland, she could always find someone who sweeps her off of her feet. She could meet someone. I know I won't meet anyone, because I don't socialize much, and I know it's Jane that I want. We could get tired of waiting. All sorts of ****. And because of all these doubts, it makes me wonder if I made the right call in not trying to work things out with Sally when I got back home. She seemed very willing to make things work - and I mean VERY willing. But I think I let the ship sail on that, and if I don't end up with Jane, I'll be totally alone.

When I wrote "traded" in the title, it means that the door was - and still somewhat is - possible for me to work things out with Sally. It's a matter of me determining if the notion of a relationship with someone 4,400 miles away who I probably won't be able to live with for at least a year is worth losing a relationship I still have a chance of saving.

I'm a mess.

[pegasus]

I think the word was ex-girlfriend for Sally right. Ex- girlfriend being the word for someone that didn't work and often times trying to rekindle a relationship with, is hard enough without competition also being in the picture. Your ex would probably never really forgive you for the other girlfriend and also knowing you might want to get back with that one. My advice, choose the one you truly love or neither of them.

[Bill3]

But, there are so many variables at play. In the time it takes for us to finally be together in Finland, she could always find someone who sweeps her off of her feet.

On five years of knowing you this has not hsppened.

She could meet someone.

Same comment as above.

We could get tired of waiting.

After five years, another year is only 20 percent more.

know I won't meet anyone, because I don't socialize much, and I know it's Jane that I want

What do you see as the pros and cons of having a long-term relationship with Sally when you really want Jane?

You have been doing that for four years, you have a lot of experience at it. How has it been for you? What are the pros and cons? How will it be to spend the rest of your life with Sally knowing that you wanted Jane and that Jane wanted you?

Pegasus has good advice and Bill made some good points.

Long distance is hard, yes, but it can work if two people really want it to work. Can you talk to Jane about your concerns and find out where she stands on waiting for you to be able to live in the same country? Perhaps that will help you to feel better if you can voice some of your concerns to her? She's waited five years already, so one more year should not matter so much, especially if you can visit back and forth in the meantime.

Also, it wasn't working with Sally..... you say it was a farce by the time you visited Jane. Seems you are really in love with Jane, not Sally. If you were truly in love with Sally, you would not have met Jane in person I am guessing?

The question I would ask is how would you feel if you let go of Jane at this point to pursue a relationship with Sally? Would you regret it? Would you always wonder about Jane and still want to be with her? Therein may lie your answer....

[Sunflower123]

I agree with the above. There are no guarantees in life. Yes, she could meet someone else. Yes, it might not work out. Since you are invested in her and have deep feelings, go for it. Sally best remains an ex. The saying a bird in hand is worth two in the bush doesn't apply here. Good luck with your decision.

[BleedTheFreak]

Thank you to all who provided advice. It really means a lot. I'm going to ride it out with "Jane" and see where it goes.

[Englishandproud1986]

Sounds like you want Sally to be their as a backup option incase things go wrong with Jane. It also sounds like the one you want is Jane. Long distance relationships can work, trust me, I am in one! I've been there done that, got the t-shirt and credit card bills for flights (we live 5000 miles apart) we have been together two years and we have probably another year of living in separate counties until my visa is granted and we can get married. It is hard. Got it's hard. It actually made me ill being in a long distance relationship. But it can work. And it is so worth it. I think you are just doubting it too much. But deep down, you know she is worth it!