[becky81]

Very often i cause an argument with my husband just so i can kick him out, I get so frustrated with myself because inside something is screaming at me to stop because this isn't what i really want but i have an over powering outer voice telling him to leave and i don't love him, why am i doing this??.x

[jerrymichele]

Have you talked to anyone about your anger? When I get that upset, I walk away before it gets out of hand. I know that it's hard, but you can't solve anything when your angry.

[jenkins09]

You want to be close to him, but your afraid of getting hurt so you keep him at arms length...hence the angry outbursts...is this right? I would tell your husband how you feel and let him know its your issue and has nothing to do with him. The last thing you want to do is lose him because of your anger, because he will get tired of it. My wife does the same thing with me. She uses anger as a way to "protect" herself. Can you see a therapist? Is there a reason why your afraid of letting him get close? did you get hurt in a past relationship or suffer abuse as a child? Just some thoughts...best wishes on your situation.

[phoenix47baby]

Seems to be a fear based reaction to something. Fear of being intimate, close? Fear of his attention? Maybe it reminds you of something that you are not comfortable with. Can you talk to him about it? good luck and sending kind thoughts your way---

[billieJ]

Dear Becky ~ I, too, hope that you can work on your anger issues in a professional setting. In the meantime, you might explain to your husband that, only those we love the most can make us this angry. This is probably because we care what they do more than we could possibly care what others do. Caring About You Both ~ billieJ

[Locust]

Becky,

I have dealt with anger issues before. They seem to be a lot better, but I don't think I've completely "recovered," yet. I agree with the others that this could be a "protection" mechanism, in which you are trying to protect yourself from the risks that come with getting "too close," but it's not really protecting you, is it? It's hurting you and him. I think the advice to walk away when you're getting mad, to cool down, is a good one. Tell your husband you plan to do this and that when you do it, it isn't to punish him by walking away from him- you're doing it because you care about him and your relationship and know when you are in that mind state, you can't have a worthwhile discussion with him, and will say or do something regretable. And that you can talk things out when you've calmed down. I also agree with the suggestion that you should tell him that you aren't doing this because of him- you're doing it because you have personal issues or problems, and it isn't anything personal against him. BUT I would also acknowledge that you understand that it does affect him, and you're sorry. I also would advise you to tell him you'll work to change, and I would advise you to get help. These things are hard to deal with on your own and they can destroy your relationship.

I've been there. I have hurt myself with my anger, and everyone around me. I also believe I have possibly caused the end of a very important relationship before with this type of behavior. I have also damaged my image of myself, and this will take some work to heal. If you don't get help now, you may very well be regretting waiting later. I'm not judging- I'm saying this as someone who has dealt with similar issues, because I am hoping it will help you and save you and your husband some pain. Good luck.

[VickiesPath]

My first husband was a very nice, gentle man from a very nice, gentle Christian family. He was good looking, had a good sense of humor, was generally in a good mood, went to church, was generous, liked having fun, loved me to pieces, and bored me to death. It got to where I was so bored that I would pick fights with him to liven things up a little. I could tell that he did not want to fight with me and he was not very good at it. I could never figure out why I would pick fights with him. I eventually had an affair (something I never believed in and have never done since) and divorced him. This turned out to be the kindest thing I could have ever done for him.

The problem was, I grew up in with alcoholic parents. Our household was never calm and we never knew what to expect from our parents so we became used to the upset and the adrenaline rush from not knowing what was going to happen next. My marriage couldn't compare to that. So I had to create the chaos.

Do you think this has anything to do with why you do what you do with your husband? It's just a suggestion. I might be way off base.

[eskielover]

You need to look at what it is that is bothering you....what is triggering you into those feelings. As Vickie says, it may be from your past & how you are feeling about the marriage, not necessarily your husband.

I know in my case, I didn't want to get married to my husband in the first place....knew that, but was assured that he would grow up....so everytime I encountered the things that aggrivated me about him, I would strike out.....stuck it out 33 years before leaving.

It could be that you are afraid of him leaving & that you are afraid of being hurt so you are pushing him away before he can do that.

There are any number of reasons why you might be going this. It might be worthwhile getting a marriage counselor & working on your issues first so you understand ourself....from there, you can work on th marriage if necessary.

Wishing you the best. There is nothing better than having a good marriage & someone who loves you & who you love......so it's not something to just toss off & throw away. You really need to know yourself before getting married.....but that doesn't happen most times, so we have to learn while being married & try to make it all work together.

Hope you figure out your feelings & can sort through them so you can enjoy a wonderful marriage.

Best wishes,
Debbie

[becky81]

Thank you for your input hun, a lot has changed since i wrote this. I'm hoping to write a new post about it in the next few days.x

Originally Posted by Locust

Becky,

I have dealt with anger issues before. They seem to be a lot better, but I don't think I've completely "recovered," yet. I agree with the others that this could be a "protection" mechanism, in which you are trying to protect yourself from the risks that come with getting "too close," but it's not really protecting you, is it? It's hurting you and him. I think the advice to walk away when you're getting mad, to cool down, is a good one. Tell your husband you plan to do this and that when you do it, it isn't to punish him by walking away from him- you're doing it because you care about him and your relationship and know when you are in that mind state, you can't have a worthwhile discussion with him, and will say or do something regretable. And that you can talk things out when you've calmed down. I also agree with the suggestion that you should tell him that you aren't doing this because of him- you're doing it because you have personal issues or problems, and it isn't anything personal against him. BUT I would also acknowledge that you understand that it does affect him, and you're sorry. I also would advise you to tell him you'll work to change, and I would advise you to get help. These things are hard to deal with on your own and they can destroy your relationship.

I've been there. I have hurt myself with my anger, and everyone around me. I also believe I have possibly caused the end of a very important relationship before with this type of behavior. I have also damaged my image of myself, and this will take some work to heal. If you don't get help now, you may very well be regretting waiting later. I'm not judging- I'm saying this as someone who has dealt with similar issues, because I am hoping it will help you and save you and your husband some pain. Good luck.

[becky81]

Wow 33 years, well done for trying hun. Things have changed a lot since i wrote this post and I've just started coming back onto PC, I'm hoping to do an update in the next few days. Thank you for your kind words.x

Originally Posted by eskielover

You need to look at what it is that is bothering you....what is triggering you into those feelings. As Vickie says, it may be from your past & how you are feeling about the marriage, not necessarily your husband.

I know in my case, I didn't want to get married to my husband in the first place....knew that, but was assured that he would grow up....so everytime I encountered the things that aggrivated me about him, I would strike out.....stuck it out 33 years before leaving.

It could be that you are afraid of him leaving & that you are afraid of being hurt so you are pushing him away before he can do that.

There are any number of reasons why you might be going this. It might be worthwhile getting a marriage counselor & working on your issues first so you understand ourself....from there, you can work on th marriage if necessary.

Wishing you the best. There is nothing better than having a good marriage & someone who loves you & who you love......so it's not something to just toss off & throw away. You really need to know yourself before getting married.....but that doesn't happen most times, so we have to learn while being married & try to make it all work together.

Hope you figure out your feelings & can sort through them so you can enjoy a wonderful marriage.

Best wishes,
Debbie

[becky81]

Wow Vicki, that sounds a lot like my story, my first marriage was the same, i am now good friends with my ex husband. My parents were also drinkers, not alcoholics but drinkers that created when they'd had a drink.
Maybe that is what is it, my image of a marriage is that of my parents. That is really weird. Thank you for sharing that with me.x

Originally Posted by VickiesPath

My first husband was a very nice, gentle man from a very nice, gentle Christian family. He was good looking, had a good sense of humor, was generally in a good mood, went to church, was generous, liked having fun, loved me to pieces, and bored me to death. It got to where I was so bored that I would pick fights with him to liven things up a little. I could tell that he did not want to fight with me and he was not very good at it. I could never figure out why I would pick fights with him. I eventually had an affair (something I never believed in and have never done since) and divorced him. This turned out to be the kindest thing I could have ever done for him.

The problem was, I grew up in with alcoholic parents. Our household was never calm and we never knew what to expect from our parents so we became used to the upset and the adrenaline rush from not knowing what was going to happen next. My marriage couldn't compare to that. So I had to create the chaos.

Do you think this has anything to do with why you do what you do with your husband? It's just a suggestion. I might be way off base.