[Always leaning]

Hi there, apologies for the long post.

I’m writing here, because I’m really concerned about the mental state of my mom, and I’m not sure where to turn to and how to approach this issue.

Man, I’m not even sure where to start... I’ll try to be as precise as I can.

My mom is in her 50s and I’m 30. We live in different countries, far away from each other, but we skype and call each other at least once a week.

8 years ago, my parents got divorced and shortly after, mom’s dad passed away. Mom has been diagnosed with chronic depression a year after that. I have a suspicion that she also might be bipolar, however she’s never been tested for it, as far as I know.

Mom always had issues, be it with her parents or my dad or me. But after the divorce things went from bad to worse. She became very bitter and was blaming everyone and everything for her miserable life. After many years of struggle and me researching depression, we finally got to a more a less calm place, where I learned to block her attacks and she learnt not to project her bad moods on me.

Now, in August my husband, our child, my in laws and I went back to my home country to see my family. And what I saw made me very nervous and scared for my mom’s mental state.

She ostracised herself from everyone saying that all these people were bad to her in one way or another. She hasn’t talked to her mom or her in over 5 years. Admittedly, they never had good relationships.

She stopped talking to my best friend, her god daughter, who practically grew up in our house, because she was disrespectful to her and was never there for her. According to mom, my friend would never reply to her messages and use wrong tone of voice with her. My friend send me a screenshot of their messages when her daughter was born. There were 5 messages from my friend saying that she gave birth to a healthy baby girl, that she’s fine, would mom like to come to the hospital etc. Mom sent only 1 message “Congrats, god bless”. My friend doesn’t know why mom stopped talking to her.

Mom stopped going to her church, cause apparently, people don’t understand her there.

Mom stopped talking to her cousin, because he promised to come get her by car and take her to my uncle’s house (where she’s never been to), but when he got to the house to drop off his family first, he was too tired and asked mom to get a taxi. Her cousin was driving from a different town for 10 hours. Mom got offended and decided not to go, because it’s “too far”. The thing that made me really rethink things, is that mom was making things out as if the house is really far, but it’s actually only 15 mins drive. You can get to my uncle’s place by bus from mom’s place!

The list of people can go on and on and on.

After seeing all my relatives with whom I haven’t been in touch for many years, because all these years mom was telling me how they are all horrible to her, I was starting to think that maybe the problem is in mom, rather than the world.

I also noticed that mom tells stories that are not true, but the problem is that she really REALLY believes them and trying to tell her that something didn’t happen or it happened but in a different way causes her to be aggressive or sulk. She constantly turns events in a way that shows her in a good light and she constantly talks about her hard life. No matter what you say, she’ll turn the conversation towards her. It’ll always be about her. At the end of the trip my in laws couldn’t talk to her anymore.

I don’t know how to deal with her. I was the only person who’d stay on her side all this time. But now I’m seriously question her sanity. She truly believes that the world is against her, if a person makes a slightest thing that doesn’t please her, she cuts them off. I think she needs proper medications, but she’s refusing to take them, and gives me a billion excuses of why they don’t work for her...

oh yeah, the excuses part... every time I suggest something to fix her situation, you bet there’s be a myriad of excuses. But the f------ up thing is that’ll make it sound as if she’s making a huge sacrifice for everyone. I won’t bore you with examples.

What books/resources can I read, what can I do to try to understand what’s going on with her? How can I help? It seems that with years things are getting worse, and I’m scared mom will be left all alone, because even I don’t have any sympathy left for her.

[RainyDay107]

She sounds very unwell. Her bereavement and depression and manifest in irritability. If she used to be a happy person, I’d say she feels very unwell and very alone. It exacerbates her mental state and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy..

You live in another country said you have no sympathy for her, but you’re scared for her. I think a therapist could be very helpful. If she’d go see one. When has she seen a doctor last?

Concerning yes but certainly no indication of bipolar. To be so would be to experience periods of mania and and grandiose beliefs in oneself. Additionally irritability would be quite marked. Depression yes, and possible delusions concerning those around her can point to this disorder but they are not entirely indicative of it. regardless it would be good to get help for your mother. That could start with a visit to her family doctor. He/she would assess things and determine if additional help is required - which I believe is. Her doctor would get the ball rolling by way of getting referrals to psychiatrists and/or psychologists.

Talk to your mom. Perhaps try the what-can-I-do approach.

[Sunflower123]

I think I replied to this on another forum. If your mom refuses to be evaluated by a psychiatrist or go to therapy, your hands are kind of tied. You might see a therapist for a few sessions to get clarification and come up with a game plan for how best to help your mom. She sounds unwell. Good luck.