[Chocolateandtea]

I have myself in a mess . I am married have deep feelings for a man I communicate with online . I met him and spent time with him during a period of separation from my husband however after reconciling with my husband all the reasons for the breakup ( lack of communication , expressiveness etc confines and I deeply missed this man ) I ended up talking to him again and feel
Very close to him. I know I'm doing the wrong thing and I feel like a horrible person to both men
The issue seems simple in that I should obviously leave lynmarriage if I'm not happy and probably be on my own . I'm currently working with a counsellor on these issues . I need time and I need to
I am currently very stressed because my online man gets incredibly angry that I'm with my husband and has regular meltdowns and panic attacks where he tells me he ends up in hospital at times because of the stress . I'm feeling like turning my back on him causes him huge unhappiness and stress yet talking to him does too . He has very little self control and can become extremely abusuve , threatening me and calling me names. Going from peace to absolute fury and saying he can barely breathe in minutes .
I'm also going to hurt my family if I leave . Either way people are going to be hurt .

[BellaCatEyes]

This situation is toxic for your health, never mind the other mans health and what he goes through. When we lack something from within our own relationships its easier to seek elsewhere rather than confront our current situation, but it only harms more. Since you reconciled with your husband can I assume that you do care and love him still? And, it is the man you miss, or do you miss what you got from him - being able to openly communicate, some affection or attention? Its good that you are speaking with a counselor but make it all about you. Also, this other man getting mad at your because because you are with the man you married is not good. Just because you separated for a some time doesn't mean that your marriage was over. I can understand if he caught feelings for you, but if he cared about your he'd would support your decision to fix your marriage and not give you guilty feelings over his non self control. If you love your husband and want to work things out then it would be in your best interest to cut ties with this man as keeping a line of communication is going is only going to make matters worse. Im sorry to say this but I see this turning out bad. If you weren't with your husband then Id say keep in touch...but hearing you ay he has little self control, becomes extremely abusive, calling you names...is only going to get worse. Becareful and I hope things work out one way or another...

[Skeezyks]

Hello Chocolate: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know as I have any particular insight into the dilemma you describe. But, based on what you wrote, my thinking is that the first thing you need to do is to resolve your marital situation once-&-for-all, possibly with the assistance of some couples counseling with your husband, in addition to the therapy you're receiving yourself. Then, assuming your marriage comes to an end, get out on your own for a while before you dive into any new relationships. (From what you wrote, I think you already know this is the way to go.)

I would also say, though, that this other man you're involved with sounds as though he has some real mental health issues. (It sounds to me as though he may be something of a narcissist. I don't really know though. That's just a guess on my part.) However you decide to handle your marital situation, I would highly recommend you think twice before you continue your relationship with this other man... whether on-line or in person.

Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...ght-up-to-men/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-step...ng-infidelity/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/can-yo...vive-cheating/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-warn...-a-narcissist/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ar...-a-narcissist/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-da...s-narcissists/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Talthybius]

Why would you want to be with either one of them?

That said, divorcing from a marriage that isn't happy but also isn't toxic, to go to someone that you already have a toxic online relationship with sounds like a terrible idea.

If you cannot bear being alone, how can you avoid unhappy marriages or toxic relationships?