[Tobyjuggler]

I am distraught, my partner and I planned a baby I have two kids 15 and 17 from a wife who died young, my partner who suffers depression and is query bipolar has 3 who are 7,13 and 17 from previous relationship.
As we live about 60 miles apart the plan was to buy a bigger house (she currently rents) using solely my money and all live together but not until about June next year to allow my son to complete his exams at the school he’s been in since starting senior school.
Both my kids are pretty studious and just get on with work see friends etc whilst hers although nice each have issues, one regarding lack of concentration ?adhd another under the help of CAMHS due to ? Suicide attempt and behaviour issues at school resulting in expelling and the eldest who simply didn’t attend school since 15 as he felt it was a waste of time and teachers not showing him respect!
Anyway since becoming pregnant (planned)he has since bought a reptile, a bull terrier moved his girlfriend in and now got her pregnant and my partner said she hoped he would move out soon but couldn’t promise it.
Due to this I told her that because the situation has changed I felt that he had made the situation impossible and we have had several quarrels over this matter over the period of about 6 weeks she then text to say we’re not getting on and need a break and she’d keep me up to date as “best she could”re pregnancy.
This was after several nice days together and at 24 weeks pregnant and although we didn’t argue much 85% of any arguments were around her children and their school/behaviour where she would draw me in for my opinion as her partner.
I feel so sad as we have not communicated now in five weeks and just want to be a great dad again I’m unsure if any type of therapy would maybe help.
Thank you and sorry it’s long post

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I know you’re sad about the way this is currently turning out but she and her children sound possibly troubled. It wouldn’t be fair to put your two kids (or yourself) in the middle of that chaos. I hope you and your girlfriend can resolve things. Best wishes.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you decided that integration of the families under the circumstances posed too much risk for your two children.

[Tobyjuggler]

I felt that the insistence on being named on the mortgage for which I would be paying completely hinted that this was more about money? Also I thought it completely unreasonable to expect me to financial take on the burden of the extra dependents was that unreasonable?

[~Christina]

I think you and her are just not on the same page, Your children are very different for one.

Does she have Bipolar ? officially diagnosed? Does she have a Therapist ? Maybe couple counseling could help?

At this point I think putting you all under the same roof sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Since you and her are having a baby it could complicate things ... If the relationship doesnt work out . You have the 60 mile difference to deal with.

I really wish you the best.

Welcome to PC

[Bill3]

It sounds like she made a lot of financial demands. Who is supporting her children now?

I don't find it unreasonable to hesitate about taking responsibility for the support of her children.

It sounds like she has issues with responsible parenting. With two different philosophies on this, moving in together would have been a disaster.

In my thoughts.... you are currently only 60miles apart. That is what, an hour? I used to commute longer than that one way for work. The mid-point is only 30min. I don't understand the pressing need to change the status quo.

I don't think bipolar has anything to do with this.

[Tobyjuggler]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I think you and her are just not on the same page, Your children are very different for one.

Does she have Bipolar ? officially diagnosed? Does she have a Therapist ? Maybe couple counseling could help?

At this point I think putting you all under the same roof sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Since you and her are having a baby it could complicate things ... If the relationship doesnt work out . You have the 60 mile difference to deal with.

I really wish you the best.

Welcome to PC

Yes she has been on medications for over 11years

[Tobyjuggler]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like she made a lot of financial demands. Who is supporting her children now?

I don't find it unreasonable to hesitate about taking responsibility for the support of her children.

She received tax credits and about £150 from csa her eldest who works on the side however still bums money from her, his girlfriend is on benefits also neither contribute financially

[Tobyjuggler]

She is medicated and on sertraline to be honest the last five weeks have made me feel more relaxed and even my kids have commented how I am more relaxed, my main reason for the question was that I feel bad about not asking how she is but just feel my hands are tied.

Our kids have been brought up completely different and I wouldn’t allow my children to permanently bypass my decision but just want to put any efforts now into getting to see my little one

[Erebos]

Sounds like you weren't ready in the first place to have another baby.
You have completely different parenting methods, nor had you figured out how to live together without a baby,.

Her kids do not sound like the type to fall nicely into your perceived family unit.
But you want to move in and start playing dad to this new baby, whilst they do what?..
These kids are screwed up and she is their sole carer.

I think you have the practical stuff worked out, but are a million miles from having the emotional, family relationships stuff worked out.

If I was her and my kids were this fkt up, the last thing I would be doing is trying to move my partner into the home.