[mcrump]

I’m not sure if this is the place to post this. Feel free to move my post if need be. This is kind of long so I do appreciate anyone’s input after reading this all. I’m just at a loss and need some advice. Keep in mind I am 29 and yes I still live at home due to financial restraints.

I don’t know where to begin but I need some serious advice on what I should do. See I have been dating a guy for almost a year. He’s great. I’m so in love with him that it’s the little bit of happiness I hold onto dearly. I have anxiety and I have dealt with on again off again depression for 11 years. My mom decided to take my boyfriend out for his birthday. See my boyfriend doesn’t like to be the centre of attention and even though I told my mom that she still bought him hockey tickets and pushed to buy him dinner. That’s all fine and it was nice of her to do so. However, my boyfriend was very uncomfortable about it all but went anyways for me. The day comes and I’m driving them in the city and we have to take a detour. Traffic is bad because of the detour and my mom is constantly asking me questions about how long is this going to take? What road are we getting off? Are we going to make it to the game (the game wasn’t going to start for another 4 hours) etc.
It was frustrating the hell out of me and my boyfriend could tell which made him agitated. We finally get to the place and go out for dinner. The restaurant is packed because of game night and our desserts took longer to arrive than expected which she had no patience for. She even snapped at the waitress about it which pissed my boyfriend off too. So we head to the game and I could already feel my anxiety starting to boil in my stomach. I knew then and there this night was not going to end well. My boyfriend remained quiet throughout the entire game while my mom and I enjoyed the game being our goofy selves. When the game was over, my boyfriend stomped out of the building towards the car to have a smoke. My mom lost it asking what the hell is his problem. I said he’s just agitated let him be. He then grabbed my keys and decided to drive which he drove out of the city pretty aggressively.

My mom lost it on him. I understand he was in the wrong to drive aggressively but her verbally attacking him the way she did was not right either. My anxiety blew and I started crying uncontrollably when I told them both to stop. She began to yell at him that he has a lot of problems and that he was only with me so he could throw me against the wall whenever he doesn’t get his way, which was so uncalled for. She then proceeded to call me a weak minded girl. I yelled for him to stop at a highway stop where I got sick from the high amount of stress. He came in to check on me and calmed me down while she sat in the car. When we got back to the car he apologized to her 3 times which she didn’t hear one bit and proceeded to bash him again in which he started to yell back. I yelled for them both to shut up. Once we got home my boyfriend decided to walk to his house to cool off. I was then yelled at for being so pathetic.
She then proceeded to wake up my father and tell him how horrible my boyfriend is and how I am even worse because all I did was sit there and cry. Sunday comes around and all day long I am verbally attacked by her over the entire issue. I had enough and defended myself telling her they were both in the wrong and no one has to tolerate her harmful words. She goes on to yell at me about how all her kids blame the mother when it’s our own issues not hers all while she wants to hit me. I was berated and belittled all day which made me paralyzed in fear. She began to call our ex doctor (he retired) and her psychologist friend to get them on her side to berate me further. My father is a truck driver and is gone all week. She had him call the house so he could tell me off as well. I refused to answer the phone and was called a gutless ******. She then proceeds to call my aunt and only hearing my mom’s side of the story, I am berated again with a “see I am right” rant from my mom.

For three days straight she won’t speak with me. I’m the type of person who liked to sit down and discuss matters in order to fix them but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. My boyfriend and I have started discussing about moving in with each other. I would love to go stay at his place for the time being but I have one little problem. I have a bird who I refuse to leave behind. The significance of this bird is great to me. He means the world to me and I know if I left him behind she would get rid of him. I used to have a turtle and she got rid of him without telling me because I didn’t clean his tank enough to her liking.

The worst part of this is that my father comes home Friday night. I am so afraid of Friday coming. It’s not like he’s a violent person it’s just that he sides and goes along with everything my mother tells him. I can’t stop shaking, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop being so afraid specially to stand up for myself anymore. I’m petrified of moving out and dealing with so much change. I just don’t know what to do next. I want the crying to stop!

[Miswimmy1]

I'm so sorry that you had to experience this. It sounds like it was very stressful and upsetting. I don't blame you for crying. You sound like you tried your best, which is commendable, especially because it sounds like everyone was against you except your boyfriend.

I have a few thoughts. Please don't think that I'm taking sides. I'm not. I'm just offering insight as a third-party. It sounds like your mom is partly just being protective of you. I know that my mother would give me a stern talking to if she experienced rude behavior from my boyfriend, regardless of whether there was a legitimate reason for his behavior. Especially if she didn't know him that well and this instance was a big part of what she had to go on in terms of forming an opinion about him and our relationship. It sounds like in this instance, he was stressed and it came out in a way that rubbed your mom the wrong way. But in her mind, she thought she was doing something kind and felt that his behavior was ungrateful. She didn't seem to realize that his behavior was a result of his stress with her constant questions, unwelcome planned birthday outing, etc. It all sounds like miscommunicated needs causing distress for all parties involved.

Next - Is moving out an option? Could you live at your boyfriend's house? Why can't you take the bird with you? The way you ended this post, it sounded like one of the main factors preventing you from moving out was your fear of change. I guess in that case, you are going to have to decide what's more unbearable - staying where you are or the fear of moving out and trying something new.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It can't be easy. And there is no easy fix either.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, mcrump. Wow, what a mess. I think the main issue is your mom feeling your boyfriend didn't appreciate what she did. I think he did handle his anger inappropriately. (My young adult son has done the same thing.) But I guess he didn't feel comfortable talking to her about how he felt. It sounds like you really need to talk to him about the whole night. Alas, the best case scenario is his apologizing to her for his anger and thanking her for the night.

I, too, had a mom who didn't listen. I'm sorry they're ganging up on you.

I think it best that you get a cheap place of your own and take your bird with you.

[mcrump]

Thank you for the advice....

Miswimmy- I tried to explain to her how stressed out he was where she turned it into he's wired with a lot of head issues and that I'm a mentally messed up person.

Travelinglady-The thing is he did apologize to her 3 times and said he was grateful fir the night out. She took it as insincere and continued to attack him verbally in which case he left the car to walk home.

I have looked into the option of moving out but it won't happen for at least a couple of months until I can save some more money. It's just incredibly scary all these changes so fast. I guess I'm just very scared of ending up alone.