[adventurebolg]

My wife has been the love of my life, for 20 years together. The last 8 years have been hell. My love never wavered through the first 5 years of postpartum psychosis.


Then the first manic episode snuck up on me, which I was not prepared to recognize. She completely closed off herself and completely ignored me and the kids for 3 months and often wanted to be alone. Then she wanted a divorce, and still did not tell me why. On the 4th month after she started to noticed she was torturing me, she told me she is in love with the certain Hollywood actor. Then the real torture began. She started masturbating, sometimes all night, something I have not seen her do before. I could not take this torture and demanded to talk. Eventually, I convinced her to open up and she did. The details she described, have never been written in any books.

Eventually my wife kicked me out and filed for divorce as she wanted to marry the Hollywood actor. I came across an incredible girl, 15 years younger than me, and that many years wise than me. She gave me solace in my grief of the lost family. God, she loved me more than my wife ever did!

After 4 months of struggling on her own, my wife wanted me back. I told her I have a girlfriend and she still wanted me back, and I immediately returned. I later realized she was disappointed in the beloved Hollywood actor for not winning an Oscar, and she realized she was in love with the new actor that won an Oscar in the same category.

My wife was good to me for 1 month and reverted to torturing me unconsciously for 2 years now. She has grown out of the second Hollywood actor a bit and displays occasionally fake love towards me, which even the kids realize is fake. She is happy with her imaginary world. All this time she has been taking the best medication that works for her after 8 years of experimentation.

Kids are a mess from the stress my wife creates. The kids are the only support and real life joy for my wife. The kids become hysterical at the first mention of the word divorce.

The stress of the situation, completely sucked the life out of me. I could not work at my demanding job. We bankrupted and moved.

The girlfriend from 3 years ago has come back and tells me she loves me dearly despite me leaving her. She is super fun, adventurous, extremely loving, and most importantly motivates me to concur the world. She wants to be with me for ever and loves the idea of taking care of my kids.

In a heartbeat, I have sprung up to life. The girlfriend will probably be a savior to me, but for the life of me I cannot get the strength to leave my wife, who needs help. Possibly, the kids and I need more help, as we are stuck in an ugly reality.

[Erebos]

Well, you can't leave your kids with your wife.
Your children have a perception of divorce, thAt it will be worse not better than things are at the moment.
Just consider how terrifying that must seem.
But it's not founded in reality.

I have often written here about being in a 'stay together for the sake of the kids family's, our situation was not dissimilar to yours. So I will say now I cannot be unbiased.
Mum was bat **** crazy, dad was a very intelligent,martyr and incredible father, or at least that's how the outside world perceived it.
He was a prize manipulator and control freak.
The children were weapons.
Sex was a weapon
Money was a weapon.

We were idolized and adored by both parents, but at a price.
By 14 I was a drug addict,(still am 24 years later) habitual runaway and general tear away.
My brother was damaged in a much deeper way, he was showing obvious issues with girls in high school and I kept him out of trouble as best I could. And my parents..."he's a growing boy,etc".

He's an RSO now, with time spent in jail for varying degrees of assaults on women. Always partners.

We are of course, the worst case scenario. But don't underestimate the damage that's done by letting kids live in a crisis household.

No one told us our mother was ill, it was always played out like it was just her. No one made her address her issues, in fact they were manipulated to make my father appear like an amazing magnanimous loving individual.

I certainly don't judge you for finding solace elsewhere, I only point out that at least you have that.
Where do your children go to find perspective and sanity.
Where do they go for their emotional safety?

What do you want them to look for in their future relationships.
Is your marriage something you feel they should aspire to, or run a million miles from.

Talk to them, take them out somewhere, perhaps with a neutral third party who is aware of the situation, and in age appropriate language explain to them what's happening.
What's wrong with mum, how it effects them and you, the family.
Explain the options with focus on the positives, and how their lives will be different But better and how.

Then re assure them no-one will do anything without talking to them first.

Offer them a trial, with the option to talk about it after so long, and if they aren't happy you will try something else.

I wish you all the best for you and your children's future.

Hi and welcome to Psych Central, hope you find it a helpful and supportive community.

It sounds like you have been living with a lot of instability and drama for a long time now, and so your kids have too. I'm not sure taking up with a girlfriend on and off is going to help the situation which already sounds stressful for all concerned. In fact I would be very wary of expecting her to be your 'saviour', that is a tall order on any relationship.

Your wife's well-being is off course important to your kids well-being, and something you need to consider, that does not necessarily mean staying married if you feel the marriage is no longer working however. If you do feel divorce is the best option then you can work to make sure the disruption is minimised and your kids are fully supported by you (and hopefully their mother). It doesn't have to be the worst case scenario.

[mymask]

If she is as you say, she might need to be institutionalized. Is she in therapy? If so can you talk to her therapist, if she is as you say, she is not in right mind and needs to have someone make decisions for her and then you should be able to talk to her therapist. You should be in therapy as well to learn how to cope with this. If she really is delusional this is bigger than what you two alone can handle.

[~Christina]

I hope you and your wife will be able to do Therapy for yourselves but your children. Kids know more than we think they do. They need protected and loved first and for most.

Welcome to PC

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC.