[seesaw]

So I've been on 3 dates with this man I met from a dating app. He's very nice, he's a teacher (and I found his full name and pic on the school's website, so I know he's legit).

First date we had coffee. Second date was a bike ride. Third date was museum visit and drinks and snack afterwards.

The first date I wasn't sure if I had any attraction or not, but I enjoyed talking to him, so I thought I'd try a second date. We went on the bike ride and that was fun. Third date, last night, I decide I do kind of feel some attraction. Then the "truth" comes out.

On our second date, he mentioned his "best" friend was a woman but they hadn't hung out in a while because she's very busy and involved in her kids' activities and lives. I said that was probably pretty normal, and the conversation kinda moved on, and I didn't think anything of it. I mean, so he's got a female best friend? I'm not going to be all jealous because he's good friends with another female. Aside from the fact that I just met him so what do I have to be jealous about?

Then we were supposed to go to the museum over the weekend but he told me he got invited to an out of town wedding. When he got back in town, I asked him how it was, and he said "they" didn't actually make it so ended up just going to this resort town and visiting a sea turtle sanctuary. I asked him who "they" was, and he said it was his female friend that he had mentioned and her two teenagers and one of their friends. I had no reason to think anything of it.

Then last night, he actually tells me that he's "seeing" this woman, not that they're just friends. And what he tells me is that she'll go weeks without calling or seeing him and he thinks it's off, but then she calls him again. So, first, I think she's jerking him around, but whatever. Second, he says he's just trying to be up front, but he ditched me over the weekend because she called him to go to a wedding (was that even the truth?) or just some weekend trip...if I even pursued this, would he drop me every few weeks when she decides she has time for him?

It's nice to have someone to hang out with, but I think I've got to friend zone this guy. He is a nice guy, and I sympathize that he's being toyed with (IMO) by this other woman, but that's no reason I am going to allow him to toy with me.

But at the same time, I mean, I know it was only the third date, but I would think if you're seriously seeing someone else or trying to see someone else, that you would tell me that. He made it sound like they were just friends when he off handedly mentioned her on the second date.

When he texted me to ask if it was okay to reschedule our date this past weekend because of the wedding invite, that didn't bother me. But when I find out that it was to go hang out with this woman, who is clearly not just a friend, now I feel played with. So, is he really the nice guy he seemed to be? Or did he just make a mistake? I don't want to be the jealous type, but I don't think this is about jealousy, I think this is about respect.

I guess at this point I don't know if I even want to hang out with him as a friend anymore.

Seesaw

[s4ndm4n2006]

I agree with your last point that it's about respect. Also should be about honesty even if only on the third date, there are things you do and do not do if you're trying to date someone and maybe have something more with them.

It does not sound at all like he was honest but I hate to say this but, he sounds like a deceitful person already. The thing that comes to mind now (even though you briefly described this to me earlier) is that it's as if he told you they were friends only originally so as not to ruin his chances at dating you initially. he may or may not be a player but he doesn't sound like someone that is one that is trustworthy. Who knows what else he is giving you half truths of? I mean he told you just friends with the other woman and now another story about how she only sees him periodically, can we trust that this is even true at all?

I don't even think that I'd keep this guy as a friend. Lord knows he's probably doing the same to the other woman he speaks of.

[Sunflower123]

I don’t think it’s about jealousy either. I would have the same questions you do and I tend to agree with the above poster.

[seesaw]

Thanks. I just know that in relationships I can get needy and jealous (abandonment issues, although I do try to keep them in check) so I wanted to know if my instincts were picking up the right cues here. It's hard to know if you can trust people sometimes.

Not sure what I'm going to do yet. Except for the fact that he's definitely friend zoned.

Seesaw

[sky457]

I've been out of my last relationship for about year and a half. I'm a male and I've had to deal with many situations like this with women over the past year and a half. Unfortunately both men and women especially today can't seem to make a decision and love themselves. The more you love yourself, the more you can love and respect others. He's being toyed with and he is toying with you.

The decision is yours, but what he is doing to you is not healthy. He's not telling you the truth, stringing you along, not committing, and has his focus somewhere else. This guy has to figure out his life and not toy with you. That's not cool.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Your instincts are not wrong, Seesaw. Drop him like a stone!

I agree w everyone else, seesaw. You are not being jealous. Your feelings and instincts are telling you this guy is a creep. You're better off without him IMO.

[Molinit]

Don't even friend-zone him. Cut him off - no contact. He lied, bottom line.

Also, in the future, if you meet any other men who claim their "best friend" is a women, they're either gay or they are in a relationship with this "best friend." Trust me.

[Bill3]

Let me get this straight. His female friend is close enough to the wedding party to be given a “plus four” invitation but she waits until the very last minute to invite this guy, even though weddings are planned months/years in advance, he decides it is okay to ditch you to go with her, and then she blows off the wedding entirely.

Really?

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Let me get this straight. His female friend is close enough to the wedding party to be given a “plus four” invitation but she waits until the very last minute to invite this guy, even though weddings are planned months/years in advance, he decides it is okay to ditch you to go with her, and then she blows off the wedding entirely.

Really?

That's what I'm saying.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by seesaw

So I've been on 3 dates with this man I met from a dating app. He's very nice, he's a teacher (and I found his full name and pic on the school's website, so I know he's legit).

First date we had coffee. Second date was a bike ride. Third date was museum visit and drinks and snack afterwards.

The first date I wasn't sure if I had any attraction or not, but I enjoyed talking to him, so I thought I'd try a second date. We went on the bike ride and that was fun. Third date, last night, I decide I do kind of feel some attraction. Then the "truth" comes out.

On our second date, he mentioned his "best" friend was a woman but they hadn't hung out in a while because she's very busy and involved in her kids' activities and lives. I said that was probably pretty normal, and the conversation kinda moved on, and I didn't think anything of it. I mean, so he's got a female best friend? I'm not going to be all jealous because he's good friends with another female. Aside from the fact that I just met him so what do I have to be jealous about?

Then we were supposed to go to the museum over the weekend but he told me he got invited to an out of town wedding. When he got back in town, I asked him how it was, and he said "they" didn't actually make it so ended up just going to this resort town and visiting a sea turtle sanctuary. I asked him who "they" was, and he said it was his female friend that he had mentioned and her two teenagers and one of their friends. I had no reason to think anything of it.

Then last night, he actually tells me that he's "seeing" this woman, not that they're just friends. And what he tells me is that she'll go weeks without calling or seeing him and he thinks it's off, but then she calls him again. So, first, I think she's jerking him around, but whatever. Second, he says he's just trying to be up front, but he ditched me over the weekend because she called him to go to a wedding (was that even the truth?) or just some weekend trip...if I even pursued this, would he drop me every few weeks when she decides she has time for him?

It's nice to have someone to hang out with, but I think I've got to friend zone this guy. He is a nice guy, and I sympathize that he's being toyed with (IMO) by this other woman, but that's no reason I am going to allow him to toy with me.

But at the same time, I mean, I know it was only the third date, but I would think if you're seriously seeing someone else or trying to see someone else, that you would tell me that. He made it sound like they were just friends when he off handedly mentioned her on the second date.

When he texted me to ask if it was okay to reschedule our date this past weekend because of the wedding invite, that didn't bother me. But when I find out that it was to go hang out with this woman, who is clearly not just a friend, now I feel played with. So, is he really the nice guy he seemed to be? Or did he just make a mistake? I don't want to be the jealous type, but I don't think this is about jealousy, I think this is about respect.

I guess at this point I don't know if I even want to hang out with him as a friend anymore.

Seesaw

I wouldn’t hang out with him again. He doesn’t deserve it. I guess to certain people it might be acceptable for someone to “see” others while eating but that’s disrespectful. If that’s how he wants to start of his relationships then that’s great for him but it is disrespectful. You need to be your own advocate and shw him that you have respect for yourself. There are plenty of men out there and you don’t have to place yourself in that position. You deserve so much better.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I wouldn’t hang out with him again. He doesn’t deserve it. I guess to certain people it might be acceptable for someone to “see” others while eating but that’s disrespectful. If that’s how he wants to start of his relationships then that’s great for him but it is disrespectful. You need to be your own advocate and shw him that you have respect for yourself. There are plenty of men out there and you don’t have to place yourself in that position. You deserve so much better.

Thanks, Sarmas. I haven't texted him since our last date, and no surprise, he hasn't texted me either. I'm fine with him fading away. I'm not someone to settle for or be second choice.

Seesaw

[Bill3]

Good move! Thanks for the update.

[Sarmas]

I hear you. You’re better off!!!