Is he the abuser or am i? help

Hello. I´m new to this site, and i´m not sure i fit in here but here we go. This is very long, but if someone more experienced than me would take a look at this list i made and tell me their outside opinion on if my relationship is healthy or not. I am asking because someone recently told me my partner was abusive, and i guess i just want someone else opinion. I´m an 18 year old girl btw, for your information.

Short background:
We met online in a bdsm forum when we were both 15. We were in an online relationship for almost 2 years,boyfriend and girlfriend most of the time. I broke up with him twice but never committed to it. He visited me in my country when i was 16, and we saw each other girl for the first time. After that things got tumultuous in our relationship. Our families didn´t approve of us, i started self harming again. He broke up with me.
Half a year later we are still together, not as boyfriend and girlfriend but we still talk every week and we want to meet each other again. Our relationship right now is more bdsm-ish.

Reasons/proof he is good

He has a dog
He loves/cares for his family
He calls me sweet things like cute little bunny, etc
He would never hit me or anything like that
If i said no during sex he would stop, i know that
He wants to see me healthy and strong
He has tried to help me many many times
He traveled to my country so we could see each other
He held my hand, he kissed me, he hugged me
He is funny
He is kind
I love him
I adore him
He is beautiful
He is caring
He is intelligent
He is gifted
He is special
He is strong
He is creative
I love him so so so so much

Reasons/proof he is bad

He has all of my passwords, he used to check them every day and if there was something he didn´t approve of (like me watching buzzed videos) he´d get angry He doesn´t check it often anymore.

We are not in a relationship, but he says it is cheating if i am friends with/close with another man it is cheating. When i asked him why he replied ”that i don´t understand things”

He has a manta for me he tells me to repeat over and over. ”i´m small, i´m dumb, i´m hot, and i don´t understand anything”

He likes it when i call him God and tells me my only purpose in life is to worship him

We do long distance bdsm, but we don´t have a safe word and no aftercare, idk i that´s bad or not tho

When i say no to cybersex (i imagine girl too) he replies with ”okay, i understand, but you need to learn to have no privacy if you want to be useful to me. You do want to be useful right bunny?”

When we have cybersex he never shows himself, doesn´t send a single picture even of his face.

When we had sex for the first time we never agreed it would be ”rough” sex. I was 16 and a virgin. He got up in the middle of sex to throw a glass of ice cold water at me, he grabbed my face and slapped it, he choked me, threw me onto the bed and called me a *****. Before he started having sex i was crying violently because i had just tried breaking up with him.

He videotapes my consent, idk if that is bad though
In the past, he has told me over and over that my friends are bad. He has even blocked them from my account. They got tired of it, and now i don´t have friends anymore.

My therapist said he was bad for me and so did my friends

He says i have borderline so that´s why i act crazy and delusional and need him to keep me in check. Even though 3 (3!!) medical professionals have said i do not have borderline??????????

If i cry during cybersex sessions he never asks i i´m okay. He tells me i´m turned on by my own tears…….no

He calls me things like ”**** ***** rag doll ***** slut” during sex which is hot, but i don´t like it when he calls me it outside of sex like ”worship me forever ***** also send Sir a selfie”

He says i should strive to not think any thoughts. He says i´m dumb and that that´s a good thing.

He says i´m crazy and that on the outside i may hate this but on the inside i need and crave it

Tells me that i´m the bad unstable one, that i´m the abuser

Tells me the reason my therapist, friends etc said he was abusive was because i twisted the truth because i´m sick and i love feeling like a victim. I believe him on this one….

Calls other girls *****s etc, did not accept i was a feminist so now i am not anymore and i call girls *****s too

Made me stop taking antidepressants without telling anyone, the withdrawal was horrible, saying the pills were bad and would make me a hairy fat man


Reasons/proof that I am the bad one!!!

Cheated on him TWICE (admittedly, still while we were in an online only relationship and i was 15 and sexted some other men, but it´s still bad!!!!)
I lie a lot
I was and am often jealous of him
In the past i sent a message to his past crush saying ”die you *****”
I told him i would kill myself or become a trainwreck if he left me
When he broke up with me i cut my whole legs up and showed him the cuts
Probably many more things that i cannot realize because i am the abuser???

Help. Give me your non biased opinion, please?

My opinion is that he is habitually, consistently, cruelly abusive.

This is true, in my opinion, whether or not you yourself have on occasion done something abusive.

I agree with those who care most about you that this relationship is unhealthy for you.

Hello and welcome to PC!

There’s a lot to talk about here with you from your post. A simple answer about who is the abuser is not even a blip within how deep this dysfunctional relationship goes.

It’s definitely an abusive relationship. You need to look at why you are participating in it.

The biggest danger is this could become deadly.

This is a good place to explore what’s going on with you.

Hello. Welcome to PC. I agree with the posters listed above. He is abusive and this relationship is not good for your wellbeing. Your friends and therapist are right. I hope you can gather enough strength to break this off. Best wishes.

Hey fluffy
There’s a difference between bdsm and forced sex.
You said he’d never hit you or anything like that but you also said he threw ice water and slapped you in the face, did you consent to that?
Without clear boundaries bdsm can be very close to rape.
Sorry, but he sounds like a real ***.
Find a local guy who knows how to fulfill your desires in a safe way, if that is what you are stil into.

To be honest i just want cuddles and like nice normal slightly kinky sex, not one where he calls me a *****. He tells me to make serious plans to come visit him, without anyone knowing. I trust him but i don´t trust myself. I should tell him this instead of some site but, it won´t give good results. I love him and maybe i can change his mind. Maybe he´ll become more like i want him to be.

He is the abuser what he is doing is called gaslighting. Google it. I was in this situation and literally thought I was going crazy but after some help I found out it was form of manipulation. He’s a narcissist. Narcissist don’t function on the same level of logic that we do.

He is definitely abusing you. The relationship you describe is a nightmare. I can't believe you are still in it. You say you love him. I wonder if you just love the idea of him because he is around for you so you don't have to be lonely?

Your family and therapist are right. For your own safety you need to cut the cord on this "relationship." I also agree there's a huge difference between bdsm and forced sex. What he has done sounds a lot more like rape than bdsm. If you were 16 the first time, how old was he? Sounds like that might have been statutory rape regardless.

Seesaw

Thank you for your input. Just want to state that he never like raped me or anything, i said yes and he was the same age as me. But still.
I keep hoping that i´ll manage to get past his hard outside and finally reveal like. a soft and sweet core. Maybe that´s impossible. Also. I don´t see a therapist anymore, and i don´t have any (close) friends. Great.

sorry for quoting you twice but i just remembered i was 16 and he was 18 our first time. Still doesn´t matter, legal age where i live is 15 so.

Fluffy, you’re Not alone in the desire to change men or boys into your ideal partner But it’s easier if you find a man that is close to your ideal without having to change him.
Love is a funny thing, I hope you find what your heart desires.

If you had a friend that was going through something like this kind of relationship what advice would you give ????

If a friend had this kind of relationship i probably would not care much. Maybe put on the "oh no he´s soon bad leave him stacey!!" show which all girls do.

If it were my sister in this situation though............. I´d burn his house down, never let her speak to him again and distract her with kittens. (

You are being abused. Please seek help. He sounds quite dangerous

Hey fluffy, Sorry to hear your in such a messed up situation.

I am experienced in living in a D/s relationship, my current partner is my also my Dom.
And I can tell you now, nothing about your relationship constitutes a real BDSM relationship.

Your Dom is responsible for both your physical and emotional wellbeing, no aftercare even on line is a huge red flag.
These types of relationships are built on communication.
His job is to make you so safe and secure that you are able to live out YOUR fantasy.
Recorded consent means nothing, you are still entitled to stop at ANYTIME.
From what I see here your needs are not being met.
Is humiliation and verbal abuse something that you have consented too?
Does it turn you on.
You need a very clear list of your ons, your soft offs and hard offs.
You need a safe word. No exceptions.
Most of all you need to re address this relationship.
His behaviour is not that of a Dom, but a bully.
He doesn't know what he is doing, and this makes him dangerous.
My Dom is never afraid to show he cares at ANYTIME but especially after a scene, he cares for me, holds me tells me he loves and adores me. Praises me and builds me up.
I can stop whenever I like.
I can say I am not in the mood, without fear of reprimand or punishment.

Please consider your situation carefully and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Take care. Stay safe.

Thank you for your advice. I would say i agree with you, but. I´m not really in a bdsm relationship with him, i don´t think? Our relationship is very fuzzy and he doesn´t want to label it... When i asked him what i was to him he said something about how i don´t need to think bout such questions and that all i need to do is be loyal and good. I brought up safe words and he said "please stop" was enough so idk. I should probably just leave him alone and let him get on with his life. I don´t deserve to be held or told i´m loved. I´m a very mean person who hurts and lies and is shady.
Sry didn´t mean to blabber but ya i hear you and i agree with you and thanks

At the heart of this is your feeling you don’t deserve to be loved. You say you are shady and a liar. That’s why you feel you deserve this abuse.

The BDSM society rules fascinate me. They play out a fantasy, but then act loving and supportive.

Yours (and mine) is a relationship of sexual, emotional abuse. That’s the difference. BDSM is a fun game with leather, abuse is REAL. Sadists really hurt you, and they don’t hold you and tell you how beautiful you are afterward. Masochists want to be abused because they think, just like you do, that they deserve it. Or, sometimes, it just really turns them on. Sometimes, abuse feels like love.

Not another 50 Shades fantasy!

It’s a possibility that he went down the sadist path because he thinks you are wanting that. But he’s really very into it.

If you had an honest talk with him and said, ‘game over’, I want you to be a nice, loving bf, and cut this crap with the S&M, I’m over it’, he might tell you he does have a ‘normal’ side and was just playing because he thought you were into it.

But— I don’t like how he strangled you. And I don’t like how he told you to come over with nobody knowing where you are going. Could this guy kill you? You are playing with fire. Your safety is more important than hoping to change a guy you met in a BDSM chat room into a sweet, loving bf!

You are better off disappearing, poof. Ghost him. Then stop lying and being shady. Then go find a nice, loving bf.

He said once that the only way to make sure someone is yours forever is by killing them. Pretty sure he was not serious. As messed up as it sounds, i fantasize about killing both of us and going to heaven together. I´m not even religious like what.
I don´t want to be with this new person or this new "front" he is putting on. I miss when he was my normal loving boyfriend. I´ve told him this, but just got the answer that i need to be good and unselfish. Idk.

Responding to my own comment even though no one will read it because i need to vent.

I change my mind. He´s not abusive, he´s not even bad. He´s doing the best he can. I messaged him saying i missed the old times we had and that i was´t sure about if i wanted this bdsm thing. Wrote that i had worries our relationship was bad for both of us. He said very wise things, and he´s going through something really difficult in his life right now. He said he´s trying to be a good person and that our interactions are good. And that i need to heal myself and meditate. That he´s trying his best to make us happy. And that i deserve to feel cute and cozy. And that i need to focus on being calm, rational and happy.
I miss him so much but this is the way things need to be. He cares about me and this is the way i can make us both happy. The way it´s supposed to be, and i need to stop denying it. I´ll be his loyal, loving pet forever and i´ll bring light and happiness into his life. I take back what i said earlier.