[Otherworlder92]

My mother is mad at me for not inviting her to my daughter's seventh birthday party even though I did invite her I just told her not to come to the party drunk which I think is a very reasonable request. She also is mad at me for never letting her watch my daughter or take her anywhere even though she knows that the reason I don't let her is because she is constantly drunk and she gets verbally and emotionally abusive with people when she is drunk and don't want my daughter around that kind of behavior. I just don't know how to deal with my mother anymore should I just cut her out of my life?

[Misssy2]

Oh boy...otherworlder

When you say your mother is always drunk...is that true? Or is that a generalization?

Do you think if she had plans to watch your daughter she could abstain from drinking during that time?

I'm asking this because i have a drinking problem and have had a drinking problem on and off for years...and my son will not let his children in my life and that is one of his reasons..that I am always drunk.

But, he knows that I AM NOT always drunk..and I would NOT get drunk if I had my grandchildren.

My kids have plenty of experience with me sober..I was sober 8 years...when I started drinking again...and they know the type of person or the type of drinker I am...If I say I'm not drinking I"m not.....i would surely tell them if they asked me to watch the kids if I was drunk....they know I would...plus they can tell by the sound of my voice when I'm drinking.

During the 8 years I was sober they didn't let me take my Grandson either...because they were overprotective and didn't really have a good reason...so they said they didn't like my b/f...when I said my b/f would not be around my Grandson they still wouldn't let me take him.
...3 years ago around the time my grandaughter was born... I started drinking again...when I quit my job...and therefore this is their new excuse for me not being able to see them when they have no idea what my drinking schedule is and don't even give me the time of day to talk to me about it.

So..if your Mom truly is always drunk...cause when I go on binges YES I can be drunk for days on end..but I would never offer to take them if that was happening.

I DO know it is possible to be ALWAYS drunk and if that is the case and your mother IS always drunk...than you are doing the right thing by with holding and protecting your daughter.

Should you cut your Mom off completely....

Yes, if she is always drunk and refusing to get any help for it....You should cut her off until she gets help...that is a legitimate concern...

but voice all of this to her (tell her you have decided that when and until she stops drinking it is too difficult for you to be a part of her life)...just don't all of a sudden stop seeing and calling her...because then she will not know the requirements (for her to stop and get help) if she chooses to be in your lives.

[Crazy Hitch]

At the end of the day it's perfectly reasonable to request your mother not turn up drunk at her party if she has a drinking problem.

Moreso, you don't need to put up with verbal and emotional abuse and you don't need to expose your daughter to it.

Until such time as she changes her ways, I'm not sure what to say. But if it doesn't make you comfortable, don't do it.

[scorpiosis37]

Protecting your daughter is your #1 priority so I think you're doing the right thing. If your mother is an alcoholic and causes disruptions, I would tell her that she is not allowed around you or your daughter until she chooses to get help. Adults often think kids won't pick up on or be affected by a parent or grandparent with alohol problems or outbursts-- but that just isn't true. Kids do pick on it and it can be emotionally damaging. Hopefully your mom will get help but, until then, I would not allowed her around your daughter. Even if she hasn't had a drink that day it takes a LONG time after becoming sober to regain full brain function, particularly higher order judgment. I would not want someone who regularly drinks being responsible for a child. Too much could go wrong.

[magicalprince]

Seems like you have perfectly reasonable complaints. Maybe you actually don't want her to come to the party?

[Teddy Bear]

Maybe you should visit her with your daughter and if she gets out of hand leave

[Misssy2]

I just want to add to my reply after reading Teddys reply.
Being an alcoholic myself and with the fact that alcoholism is a disease.

I don't think it is ever right to pull the grandchildren TOTALLY from the Grandparents life...I like Teddys response to be present for visits.

Like if she had any other illness would you pull the child? No probably not...its just the nature of this alcoholism the irrational behaviors that come with it....It IS easier for people to walk away but that does not mean it is the best thing for the child....to not have a Grandparent in their lives.

My grandkids are missing out on so much with me because my kid wants to use his kids as a tool against me to get me to behave the way he wants me to behave...I would never drink with my Grandchildren...but because I drink I am not allowed in their lives....its not fair.

[ReptileInYourHead]

I’m familiar with alcoholism, grew up around it and did it myself for years. Still struggle with it to a certain degree.
It is a disease, and like many diseases, there is a remedy.
Being an alcoholic doesn’t follow a schedule, not in my experience, and to expect even family to trust you is asking a lot.
Should they give up on you, no! But no one can help you if you don’t first instigate a desire for change.
Good luck, I hope you can see your grand kids soon.

[Sunflower123]

You didn’t do anything wrong by not inviting your mother to your daughter’s birthday. Is it your mom that recently turned up at a family event drunk and the police had to be called? I would definitely limit exposure to her until she makes an honest effort to get help. I like Teddy’s suggestion of you taking your daughter over to your mom’s to visit so you can leave if things turn ugly. Best wishes.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by Misssy2

Oh boy...otherworlder

When you say your mother is always drunk...is that true? Or is that a generalization?

Do you think if she had plans to watch your daughter she could abstain from drinking during that time?

I'm asking this because i have a drinking problem and have had a drinking problem on and off for years...and my son will not let his children in my life and that is one of his reasons..that I am always drunk.

But, he knows that I AM NOT always drunk..and I would NOT get drunk if I had my grandchildren.

My kids have plenty of experience with me sober..I was sober 8 years...when I started drinking again...and they know the type of person or the type of drinker I am...If I say I'm not drinking I"m not.....i would surely tell them if they asked me to watch the kids if I was drunk....they know I would...plus they can tell by the sound of my voice when I'm drinking.

During the 8 years I was sober they didn't let me take my Grandson either...because they were overprotective and didn't really have a good reason...so they said they didn't like my b/f...when I said my b/f would not be around my Grandson they still wouldn't let me take him.
...3 years ago around the time my grandaughter was born... I started drinking again...when I quit my job...and therefore this is their new excuse for me not being able to see them when they have no idea what my drinking schedule is and don't even give me the time of day to talk to me about it.

So..if your Mom truly is always drunk...cause when I go on binges YES I can be drunk for days on end..but I would never offer to take them if that was happening.

I DO know it is possible to be ALWAYS drunk and if that is the case and your mother IS always drunk...than you are doing the right thing by with holding and protecting your daughter.

Should you cut your Mom off completely....

Yes, if she is always drunk and refusing to get any help for it....You should cut her off until she gets help...that is a legitimate concern...

but voice all of this to her (tell her you have decided that when and until she stops drinking it is too difficult for you to be a part of her life)...just don't all of a sudden stop seeing and calling her...because then she will not know the requirements (for her to stop and get help) if she chooses to be in your lives.

My mom is drunk everyday that she get her hands on alcohol and she wouldn't stop for my daughter because she thinks her drinking would actually help her with watching her and I don't think that she is going to quit anytime soon because she doesn't see a problem. I'm not going to cut her out completely I will just limit her until she gets help.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

Seems like you have perfectly reasonable complaints. Maybe you actually don't want her to come to the party?

Apart of me did want her to come to the party but another part of me didn't.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by Teddy Bear

Maybe you should visit her with your daughter and if she gets out of hand leave

I think that I will do that it sounds like a good idea.

[~Christina]

I would not let my daughter around someone like her.

My child’s safety comes first

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

You didn’t do anything wrong by not inviting your mother to your daughter’s birthday. Is it your mom that recently turned up at a family event drunk and the police had to be called? I would definitely limit exposure to her until she makes an honest effort to get help. I like Teddy’s suggestion of you taking your daughter over to your mom’s to visit so you can leave if things turn ugly. Best wishes.

My mom did show up drunk recently to a family event very drunk and she got into a argument with my sister and the police did have to be called. I'm definitely going to limit her till she gets help but I don't think she will get help anytime soon.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I would not let my daughter around someone like her.

My child’s safety comes first

I'm not going to let my daughter around her alone and I will be very careful if I do bring my daughter with me if I visit to her. My daughter safe is important to me. My mom isn't really a dangerous person she has just been messed up by her alcoholism and I feel like she could be a better person if she stopped.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by Otherworlder92

My mom is drunk everyday that she get her hands on alcohol and she wouldn't stop for my daughter because she thinks her drinking would actually help her with watching her and I don't think that she is going to quit anytime soon because she doesn't see a problem. I'm not going to cut her out completely I will just limit her until she gets help.

I'm so sorry for you and your Mom ...I hope she gets help someday

I would keep my daughter away from unsupervised visits too. Is it possible though to have mom come over for short visits.

I just mentioned in another unrelated post Alanon meetings. I would think they would be supportive and have some workable ideas or suggestions in how to deal with such a manner.

[Otherworlder92]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I would keep my daughter away from unsupervised visits too. Is it possible though to have mom come over for short visits.

I just mentioned in another unrelated post Alanon meetings. I would think they would be supportive and have some workable ideas or suggestions in how to deal with such a manner.

It is possible for my mom to come over for shorts visits but It might be difficult to arrange that.