[BlueFaith]

Here's my problem. My parents have to be the most overbearing people on the planet. They tell me how to run my life and get very angry and disappointed with me if I do something they don't approve of.

I'm 27, been married for 8 years, and have 3 kids of my own. But I'm still terrified to make any choices that I know they won't like. I'm always worried what they will think.

They are the type of people who think they are always right about everything. I just don't know what to do about this. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Perna]

You mean there's some other kind of parent?

I had to wait until my stepmother died before I was "free" (51 years old). Even then I was so use to being told what and how to do stuff that it took a while to adjust. My T was a bit unhappy with me when I was telling her how having my senile stepmother over to visit, she'd call me from the living room and didn't matter if I was on the toilet! I'd come running. The joke in our family was she'd say "Jump!" and our answer was supposed to be, "How high?"

I got married when I was 39 and didn't get to pick out one dang thing for my marriage; not my wedding dress or anything. My stepsister bought an entire rack of clothes for my bridesmaids dresses to make sure we had the right sizes (my niece was one of my bridesmaids) and then they took back the ones we didn't need :-) I wasn't there at the time to say whether I liked the dress or not, LOL.

Maybe treat some of it like a "joke" and go along if it doesn't hurt anything, pick your battles otherwise? See if you can't "teach" them to lighten up a bit, find some "small" unimportant thing they're insisting on and make some joke about how small it is and how they are "micromanaging" your life. People who go "too far" often have a sense of that and do it out of anxiety. If you don't have rules and answers for "everything" something untoward might happen! They are just trying to keep everything/one in their lives "safe" and don't know that's impossible because life doesn't work like that.

[Fuzzybear]

Only hugs, hope they're ok! ((((((((((((( Jenn )))))))))))))

The solution's easy...keep your distance.
Now if they're babysitting for you, then that's part of the price you pay...once you make the break from them, the problem will subside.

[bebop]

pretty simple hon. don't tell them things you are doing. leave them in the dark. they don't need to know your personal life that does not include them. our parents never think of us as adults. heck I am 50 and at times my dad still questions if I am doing the right things.

[bflatgary]

I am 56, and married to the same woman for 31 years. My in-laws are very overbearing, and have always been that way. By father-in-law raised his two kids to believe that he always knew best. Among the things he has done are: 1) he always critiqued my sample ballot at voting time, never hesitating to tell me how stupid I am to vote that way (oddly, we are of the same political party); 2) dropped the listed price of my house when we were selling it, and not tell us about it; 3) got upset when I took my car to be repaired at a repair shop he didn't know, although I knew them for years, and they were very good. With our current financial crisis, he is again trying to pull the strings. My wife has learned only in the last five years or so that he is not always right. This often created a major problem for the two of us.

Stand up for your right to make your own choices. You will have your own successes and failures, but they will be yours. You will grow as a person, and your self-respect will improve.

Gary

[SeptemberMorn]

Sweety, your husband is the head of your household, not your parents. Remind them gently of that... as often as you need to. It's him you have to please now, not them.

I think it was Bebop that said "don't tell them everything." She's right!

[sabby]

Something I learned throughout life -

There is always more than one way to do something right!

Breaking away from overbearing parents is never easy. Ask them when they are in a receptive mood, if they made mistakes along the way and survived??????? hehehehe
Explaining that learning, experimenting, making mistakes is what life is all about. They survived this long...chances are, you and your family will also survive don't you think?

Also good advice to not let them in on every little thing that's going on in your lives. You deserve space and time to be your own family....to rely on yourselves and not always have input from family...overbearing or not. Don't be an "enabler" hon.....we all have to learn how to break out of the molds we've formed over the years.

Wishing you well!!!

Hugsss
sabby

[eskielover]

I watched how my Grandmother was overbearing toward my Mother. She was always telling my mother how to do things all the way up until alzheimer got to her & even then, she wanted everything her way & wanted to make everyone go along with it.

I also realized that my Mothers self-esteme was almost non existant. She never stuck up for herself & always went along with everything she was told. When I was 5 years old, my Grandfather was transferred from California to Kansas. Luckily that forced some distance, but is scared my Mother......she didn't know what to do without her mother there all the time.

I don't know how or why I was able to see this but I swore I would never let my parents or anyone control me like that. I remember getting into fights with my parents when I felt they were "treating me like a baby". I was constantly pulling away from them from the time I can even remember. I still respected my parents no matter what, but I wasn't going to let anyone make my decisions for me. It was ok if they wanted to discuss situations, but no way was I going to allow anyone to control me.

I don't know if that is an internal makeup, personality trait that just comes naturally, or what because for as long as I can remember, my mind has worked that way & any time someone tried to control I would fight back & not let it happen. Those people who couldn't deal with that.....I would walk away from. For some reason however, most people learned to accept me for who I am.

I think it's important to know ourselves & set our boundaries before others can know what to respect. We can't leave them guessing or beat around the bush trying to be nice. There are ways to be tactful & still get your boundaries set for others to respect. We are the ones that allow others to be overbearing in our lives & if it's something we don't like then it's something we need to stop. I think my Mother liked having her Mother be overbearing. It made her feel more secure since her self esteme was so low. There were times later on in life where she would complain about it a bit, but never would do anything about it. I was the one who finally set some boundaries & then it was "how dare you let your daughter do that?" But I knew I was fighting back for my Mother even if she didn't want to herself.

I have always been fascinated by how personalities develop differently than how I would think they would or even where they come from based on the environment. I grew up with both parents having very low self esteme so I don't have any idea how I turned out the way I did...especially since I didn't have any brothers or sisters. We always joked that I was adopted because I was nothing like any part of my family.

Being determined not to be controlled by anyone helped in never allowing anyone to be overbearing towards me even when my grandma tried. I never was afraid of a good fight if I felt it was needed, so guess that must have helped some.

This was my experience with overbearing family ,
Debbie

[BlueFaith]

(((( Everyone )))) Thanks for understanding.

It seems to me that I'm gonna have to get a lttle backbone and stand up to them for once. I have my own life, and I'm allowed to make my own mistakes.

You all have given me great advice. And i appreciate it so much. Now it's time for me to figure out how to get this ball rolling. I'm tired of living under their thumb. I'm going to stand up for myself for once. It might make them mad, but they'll just have to get over it and deal with it the best way they can!

I'm my own person. I'm allowed to make my own decisions!

Love, Jenn

I receommend a book by Susan Forward called 'Toxic Parents.' I have a mother very similar to what you are describing. She used to control almost every aspect of my life until I woke up sometime in college and learned to think for myself.

[eskielover]

Mental Polution......you go girl!!!!! I know you can do it......& you just have to take on the attitude of who cares if they don't like it....that's their problem not yours & if they try to make it your problem.....tell them where to go in no uncertain terms.

It will take a while before they understand that this is the new you & they will continue to try & push you thinking that it isn't a permanent condition, but stick to your guns & don't let them mess with you.

It is important to be your own person & not let others control you ever. It is a wonderful feeling to be free.

You can do it....keep going for it,
Debbie

[bebop]

even with me being 50 now my dad still calls me his baby and at times treats me as such. I have to gently let him k now that I am a grown married woman fully capable of making correct decisions. I think they hate to see us not need them anymore. again I say just don't let them know everything going on in your life.

[BarbaraAnne]

I guess it's one thing to have overbearing parents. It's certainly a form of destructive abuse that can destroy self-esteem for a lifetime. There is another kind of parent though. The Sociopath.

My husband was born bipolar -- genetic disorder inherited from his mother. His mother left him in 17 homes in 18 years, while she married 3 times, each husband richer than the next. And with their money she pursued her own wealth and education.

I found my husband in a $300-per-month rooming house with drug addicts and ex-convicts in California, rage disorder flaring, unmedicated, while she was living in a $500K house in Connecticut, contributing nothing. I stabilized him. Eight years later, he's fabulous.

She lives a lie of identity, portraying herself as a caring, peaceful poet, using her husband's wealth as her stage set. And she gets away with it.

I know about the abuse of an overbearing parent. I once thought it was the worst thing in the world. But to my great sorrow, I learned that it's not.

The sociopath is worse.

[nothemama8]

MP, give them the lyrics to an old song "Let us make our own mistakes" they should get the point

[Sultrysorrow]

I know this sounds callus but you've got to break all forms of communication with them if they're not willing to let you live your life as you and your spouse see fit.
You're the boss of your own destiny not them.
I saw one episode of "family guy" and the Pope told Peter:
"the good book says to honor you're parents, it doesn't say anything about liking them" (or something along those lines). But you get the general idea.