[seesaw]

This may just be a rant/vent...I'm toying with the idea of unfriending this person on Facebook. A little back history:

I met her through a support group on Facebook for service dog handlers. She did not have a service dog (I do) and she was looking for information on how to get one. She was also having troubles with her apartment complex with getting permission for the dog, which is covered under the Fair Housing Act (service dogs must be allowed in no pets housing under most circumstances).

Anyways, she caused some drama with the page's administrator and founder, and so she was removed from the group. I'm friends with the administrator, and while she didn't place an ultimatum on my friendship with this other woman, she did make it clear that she wanted no contact with her. Apparently, the woman had asked for a lot of advice and help from the administrator, but didn't listen to any of the advice or help, and then kept expecting the administrator to clean things up for her by doing advocacy work for her.

I will call this woman Mary for ease. So Mary asked my advice about adopting a potential service dog candidate. The dog was a shelter dog, not necessarily a deal breaker, but you have to be careful when selecting a potential service dog trainee. You have to do temperament testing and be sure that the dog is suitable for the work. This dog was clearly not suitable from the get-go, not just because of temperament but because the dog was already an adult, and had a lot of bad habits that needed to be untrained before any service dog training could begin. I advised her that this was not a suitable candidate, even as a pet for her. She has mobility issues and the dog was very energetic.

Of course, she ignored me and adopted the dog.

Then she calls me very upset because she can barely walk the dog because it pulls her every where and she has shoulder issues and can't hold onto the dog. She gets dragged everywhere by the dog. She wants to know if there is a kind of collar or lead that she can buy that will help her while she trains the dog to heel. I send her links to two different kind of "Easy Walker" leads that I have found very successful in strong pullers that are also easy to use, unlike prongs collars that have to be used very carefully or otherwise can harm the dog. Apparently the local store did not have the harness I suggested, so instead she bought another harness, which I had specifically advised her against. And instead of ordering online and buying the correct harness, she bought a harness that I had specifically advised her would create MORE pulling, not less. Traditional clip on back harnesses actually give the dog more pulling power because they allow the dog to pull from their shoulders. I explained this to her. She ignored me, kept the harness, and the very next day tore her rotator cuff when the dog pulled her across the street after a squirrel. She had to have rotator cuff surgery to repair it.

At that point she decided to rehome the dog, knowing it could never work as a service dog, at least not without serious training that she was not qualified or prepared to do.

Then, afterwards, every time she saw I was fostering any puppy, Mary would ask me if it was a suitable service dog for her. The first puppy, could have possibly been an service dog, as could have the second. But I felt like with her mobility problems that raising a puppy and consistently training the dog was not something she would responsibly do, so I lied and told her that neither were good prospects.

She would frequently send me pictures of dogs she found on Craigslist or a shelter's website to ask what I thought of the dog for a service dog candidate. My answer was typically either the dog was too old OR she needed to have a trainer go and temperament test the dog IN PERSON. She never liked this advice.

So finally, a few days ago, she send me pics of a "service dog" that someone was rehoming on Craigslist. This person who was rehoming the dog bought fake papers through one of the many fake online registries for service dogs out there (they are all scams; the ADA does not require any kind of registration or licensing of a service dog). The current owner claimed the dog was task-trained. (Let's not even examine the fact that a trained service dog is worth thousands of dollars and you don't rehome a REAL service dog on Craigslist.) Well fine, except that service dogs are task-trained to help a particular individual. Their tasks aren't necessarily immediately transferable to another disabled person. You can't take a diabetes alert dog and give to a blind person and expect it to be a guide dog all of a sudden. It's not trained for that. Even my service dog, who does psychiatric alert, would not work for someone with the same disability, because he is specifically trained to alert to MY symptoms, not someone else's.

And to top it off, the dog is SIX years old. Consider about a year to retrain, and in another year, at 8 years old, she'd be needing to find a puppy to start training to take its place when she retires it at 10 years old, since it takes 2 years, at least, to train a service dog.

I advise her against adopting this dog. I don't believe he's a task trained service dog in the first place, but even if he was, he's not some miracle answer that's going to solve all her problems.

I know this sounds like a tedious process, but that's because it is. 90% of service dog trainees are washed from training because they are not compatible with the job. i have had to wash and rehome three dogs that I have tried to train to eventually replace my retiring service dog. They became great pet dogs, very highly trained, but just not the focus to work as a service dog.

But she's impatient and wants her dog NOW. So of course, she goes to meet the dog, doesn't even take time to think about it, and adopts the dog immediately.

Now she's sending me questions about what kind of bones to buy and if peanut butter is okay for dogs, and just all sort of questions and I just feel like unfriending her.

I'm really annoyed that she is always asking for advice and then always ignoring it and then always asking me how to fix the problem she creates when, if she had just listened to me, she wouldn't have the problem in the first place.

I won't say she's been a bad friend or anything. Like a week ago I was really upset and asked if she had time to chat, and she was very sweet and listened to me and validated me and was very kind.

I honestly just want her to lay off all the dog questions. Mostly because I feel like she asks me stuff and then ignores my answer. Like, if I told her that onions are bad for dogs, she would go ahead and feed her dog onions, even though they can kill the dog. Because she thinks she knows better? I don't know.

Normally I love talking about dog stuff, as the members here who visit the chatrooms know very well. But the topic is so tedious with her because she just wont' listen.

I don't know how to handle this.

Seesaw

[Butterfly420]

Mary sounds like a lot of work. I think unfriending her and then blocking her might be beneficial for you.

[FallDuskTrain]

May be not unfriend her, which might be difficult to recover from, but gently put some distance by explaining about your perspective?
Although, I know very little about her personality and how she would respond to your sincere concern. There are some people, no matter how gently you present your perspective, still get offended. So, in summary I don’t know her and it is understandable if you are trying to avoid getting into conflict with her.
On the other hand, it sounds like she needs to be reminded about being a little bit more self aware. If she always follows her mind and discards the advice given....
i would want my friends to tell me if I am losing my self awareness and as a result hurting my closed ones.
Hope i am making sense.
I usually text the following if I am irritated by a close friend (which is rare but happens): ‘Sorry, dealing with my own drama at the moment. I ll get back with you when my head is at a more clear place.’

Hmmm.... well, if it were ME, I would probably unfriend her simply because she is soooo annoying, she doesn't listen (so what's the point) and you don't know her outside of FB. I have no time for people who want to waste my own time like that, and I wouldn't want them in my life. I would have no problem unfriending someone like this. She seems parasitic. She annoyed the community admin now she's annoying and attaching herself to you.

Another (perhaps nicer) option is to gently confront the issue head on with her, as suggested above, by saying something like "Sorry, but I cannot give you advice on service dogs anymore because you don't follow or listen to my advice. Please don't ask me if you're not going to listen. If you will follow my advice, then I'm happy to give it."

But some people have trouble with confrontation. Sometimes I do.

Wish you the best of luck, whichever way you decide!

(((Hugs))))

[seesaw]

Yeah, like shortly after I posted this she messaged me om Facebook to ask me if I brush my dogs' teeth and if so what toothpaste I use.

Seriously? Why can't she look these things up for herself? She is looking to you to answer every little question. Parasitic! I'm annoyed just thinking about someone being this way with me, lol.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Seriously? Why can't she look these things up for herself? She is looking to you to answer every little question. Parasitic! I'm annoyed just thinking about someone being this way with me, lol.

That's what I mean!

Honestly? I know it could seem mean to unfriend her, but do you really need this person in your life, bugging you like this with every little detail? I know she was supportive of you once, which is sweet of her, but you don't really know her, and she has attached herself to you like glue! I would want to shake her off! Maybe stop responding? Or delay your responses, be super brief, and give her a sign that you're not that interested??

[seesaw]

Yeah, I guess it's also annoying because I spent years learning and researching about dogs and responsible dog ownership. And I spent years working with a trainer to train my service dog and spent money learning how to train the dog myself. I invested a lot of time and money into my knowledge, and while I don't mind advising someone, it just feels like she comes to me for every little thing and can't just look anything up herself.

She wants all this advice and knowledge for free, and that bothers me. I know she is on a fixed income, but even when she is presented with free options to learn what she needs to learn, she just ignores it.

I feel like she comes to me expecting me to fix her problems instead of figuring out how to solve them herself.

I don't want to unfriend her, I just need to figure out how to politely decline to give her any more advice.

Seesaw

Then perhaps just politely tell her you are bogged down with your own life/life issues at the moment.

[LikeABoomerang]

Personally I would unfriend her, but if you are uncomfortable doing that, than maybe every time she asks you something, instead of taking the time to answer her, just point her in the direction of some useful websites.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by LikeABoomerang

Personally I would unfriend her, but if you are uncomfortable doing that, than maybe every time she asks you something, instead of taking the time to answer her, just point her in the direction of some useful websites.

Yeah, but that requires me to look up a website and link it to her...I'm just going to try the tactic of ignoring her questions and answering when and if I feel like it.

Thanks all!

Seesaw

[seesaw]

OMG, I haven't even responded to her last question yet and she just asked me in another message if I know anyone that can help with picking a puppy.

Oh. my. goodness. Just shoot me.

Seesaw

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by seesaw

OMG, I haven't even responded to her last question yet and she just asked me in another message if I know anyone that can help with picking a puppy.


Oh. my. goodness. Just shoot me.


Seesaw

I don’t get it. I thought she had already adopted a dog.
She needs to learn to do things on her own....
also, how does she have time for all these questions?
On the other hand, i wonder if she is trying to escape from dealing a personal trauma and instead obsessing with this dog thing.

[seesaw]

She had. But apparently it's not working out...because as I said, he wasn't really a trained service dog. And I guess he's a rottweiler mix and very strong and has a lot of energy, so she can't keep up. SHe found a husky mix puppy and she wanted to know if I know anything about transporting. I tried to advise her away from the husky, since they are also a very high energy breed, and though while they are intelligent, can be stubborn and difficult to train.

I guess she's going to take this dog back to the people she got it from and start her search anew.

I want to support her in her search for the right dog, but I am just getting a little exhausted.

Seesaw

[Nammu]

Sounds like she wants shortcuts and is gonna only learn from doing it the wrong way. I liked the suggestion of the poster who said, you just tell her you'll not respond to any more dog related questions as she just ignores your advice. You can tell her your fine with remaining friends just no more dog inquiries.

Parasite! OMG, I would want to shake this woman and run away.

She sounds extremely needy, I think if you keep on responding her you are just enabling her because she ignores your advice anyway.

I like the idea you draw a clear boundary by saying you are no longer giving dog advice because she has ignored previous advice. I think if you keep on trying to support her you will end up frustrated and exhausted. You need to take care of yourself.

[hvert]

Yes, what prefabsprout said. She sounds incredibly draining. I've found that people like that tend to move on to other people very quickly once you stop giving them advice they ask for but don't actually use. I read a book a few months ago, 'I don't have to make everything all better" that had some tips on what you can say instead in various situations.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by hvert

Yes, what prefabsprout said. She sounds incredibly draining. I've found that people like that tend to move on to other people very quickly once you stop giving them advice they ask for but don't actually use. I read a book a few months ago, 'I don't have to make everything all better" that had some tips on what you can say instead in various situations.

Yes you guys are so right. In fact, in the midst of this thread, she has continued to bug me...so much so as to message me at 9pm at night while I was watching a movie. Fortunately when I told her I was busy she left me alone.

I do sort of see her trying to latch on and drain me. She posts very public things om Facebook about how ungrateful and cruel her family is and that makes me very uncomfortable. I have a ****** family too but I don't try and make a public case of it on Facebook.

I don't want to abandon her but I'm going to install some pretty strong boundaries.

Seesaw

[IttyBit]

Mary is a drama queen and I feel bad for any dog she gets.

There is unfriending and there is unfollowing and there is blocking. Consider which it is that you really want to do.

[seesaw]

OMG, more senseless questions...do I put my dogs in sweaters during cold weather? Why don't I?

Like, if you're cold then they may be cold, so act accordingly. Look at the dog. Is he shivering? If so, he might need a sweater. God, it's such a subjective thing, because it depends on the dog, how cold it is, the wind chill, ug...Just use some common sense.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

OMG, more senseless questions...do I put my dogs in sweaters during cold weather? Why don't I?

Like, if you're cold then they may be cold, so act accordingly. Look at the dog. Is he shivering? If so, he might need a sweater. God, it's such a subjective thing, because it depends on the dog, how cold it is, the wind chill, ug...Just use some common sense.

Seesaw

So are you saying my huskies need sweaters? Or no? Lol. I'm kidding.

Bless you for having so much patience. I would have blocked her by now.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

So are you saying my huskies need sweaters? Or no? Lol. I'm kidding.

Bless you for having so much patience. I would have blocked her by now.

Yeah, I'm not going to block her, but I just have to vent...at some point I'm going to have to say something gently about doing a little research on her own because I can't answer all her questions and a lot of my responses will just be based on what I have learned with my dogs, it may not be what she needs to do with her dog.