[lizziebbbb]

I’ve made such a mess of things.

I was together with my ex-boyfriend for 17 years. For the first years we were terribly in love and did lots of things together.
He’d lost his house after a previous breakup not that long before and said he didn’t want to move in together. We lived about 45 minutes from each other which wasn’t too bad at the beginning but as time went on I couldn’t cope wih trudging around like a tramp with all my stuff and not really having a place to call home.
He didn’t want to get married either and when I said I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living like this his face just dropped and he closed up completely.
The man who said I was the best thing that had ever happened to him gradually withdrew into himself, didn’t want to do anything any more whether it was seeing friends, going out for a meal, going on holiday. I felt more and more rejected and the last year he spent avoiding anything intimate at all.

Finally, I just gave up and said I wanted to split up which was quite a relief at the time.

Just as I was getting myself together again, I was sent on a work trip with a male colleague who was completely the opposite of my ex-boyfriend. Warm, social, outgoing, always positive and enthousiastic, 20 years older than me, a member of the church and married for 40 years.
We’ve been colleagues for 6 years and he’d turned into a bit of a mentor for me. He had the experience and I sorted out his computer problems, we were a great team together and enjoyed working together.
Anyway, after a long day working we went out for a walk before going back to the hotel. We’d been talking about life and the future and I got a bit upset about my breakup and my colleague put his arm around me. Nothing odd about that as he’s a warm person who always hugs people when it’s their birthday or something else special.
Except, the cuddle got longer and longer and to my complete astonishment went a lot further. I was just so taken aback by things that I went along with it all.

Afterwards I found out that he’s been desperately unhappy for years. He’s not got divorced because of the children and the church. I had no idea but then again that explains why he works away for 6 days a week. He can’t do anything right at home, his wife controls what he wears, how long his hair is, what he’s allowed to buy. He’s not allowed to walk naked from the bathroom to the bedroom and on his 60th birthday his wife announced that she wasn’t having sex with him anymore because it wasn’t fitting at their age.
The reason he cuddles everyone is because he wants to be cuddled.

To cut a long story short, the relationship between us errupted like nothing I’ve ever experienced. My brain shut down and my feelings took over completely. He said that I was the sun in his life and for the first time he’s discovered what it is to be loved. I’m also very much in love with him.
That was a year ago and it’s taken all this time for my head to start working again. Rationally, I know I had to stop before it all ended in utter disaster.
His children are deeply christian and he thinks they would disown him if he broke his marriage vows. I can’t possibly ask him to give up his children and grandchildren for me.
I feel like I’ve already wasted 17 years with my ex-boyfriend and there is no future for me here.

I managed to get a transfer to another department so we won’t be seeing each other at work and we agreed that we need to get some distance from each other.

We were both desperatly upset when we decided to stop. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still feel devastated. I keep waking up crying in the middle of the night.
My head made a rational decision but my emotions refuse to accept it.

I’m trying to do positive things, going out with friends, booked a holiday for next week to try and distract myself. But I just can’t stop crying. I feel exhausted, lonely, and like all the colour has disappeared out of my life.

How am I supposed to find the energy and move on?

[hvert]

I'm sorry, that sounds like such a tough year. You're doing all the right things. I don't know where you find the energy to get through it, but you will make it through this.

[Rose76]

You are grieving the loss of the warmth you felt with your colleague. But I think you did yourself a big favor by ending it. Otherwise it would have become like the 17 year relationship that you left - trying to be close with a man who is not fully available for mutual commitment. Grief takes time to abate. You've only had a few weeks.

Though you like your colleague, don't imagine that you really know about his marriage. Try not to judge his wife. There is way more to that story than you know anything about. In your mind, he's a victim of a cold, controlling woman. That image was painted for you to serve a purpose. It's not the whole story. Sure there may be truth to it, but understand there is a lot you don't know . . . a lot. That man is staying in that marriage for more reasons than just his kids and the church. That rationale about the kids is way too convenient. Don't let yourself be used.

When you find yourself longing for the warmth of this man who is a good cuddler, ask yourself about his faults. I bet you find it hard to think of anything. That's not because he doesn't have faults. You don't really know him. In your mind, you've idealized him. He seems to be everything your ex wasn't. Beware of letting yourself be used. You have a tendency to give more than you are given to.

Putting distance between this co-worker and yourself was the mature thing to do. You did make a rational decision. Sometimes the brain has to overrule the heart. Give yourself credit for that. It is awfully difficult.

There are parallels in the relationships you had with both of these men. Both of these men kind of wanted to have their cake and eat it too . . . at your expense. You sound like a giver. They were each exploiting that. I know you don't want to think of your colleague in that light, but I'm afraid the shoe fits. You're very quick to understand someone else's need. Your needs have to matter as well.

Distraction is often the best thing you can do to get through grief. The mind can't really think of two things at once. So do immerse yourself in other activities, as you are doing. I'm sorry for the loneliness you feel. That is hard. However, you are now available for other relationship opportunities. There is a void in your life. It feels empty. But that is the space that has to exist to provide room for something better. I hope you find it.

[lizziebbbb]

Thank you Rose for taking the time to read my post and offer me understanding and good advice. I very much appreciate it.
I do know myself that I've done the right thing stopping the relationship, but all the same I've been feeling in such a mess that it does feel quite good to have someone objective reassuring me that it was the right thing to do.

You said I was a giver and another friend said this afternoon that I'm a 'pleaser' and I guess you're both right.
I hadn't really thought of it like that before.

That might explain why I'm feeling so empty. Like I've given all I have to give as I don't feel like I've been getting the same amount back.
I do see parallels in both relationships too, both out of balance, and me kind of having gradually turned into some passive person which I don't want to be. I felt like I'd become a shadow of myself.

I do realize this is something I need to change if I ever meet someone and get into a new relationship. I do find it difficult sometimes to say what I want, and that applies to family situations and work as well. And for some reason I have seemed to think that someone else's needs were greater or more important than mine. You were right about that too which I hadn't realized either.

I certainly don't want to make the same mistakes again.

Anyway, thanks again, and to the other readers for their hugs. It has helped a lot.

Originally Posted by Rose76

You are grieving the loss of the warmth you felt with your colleague. But I think you did yourself a big favor by ending it. Otherwise it would have become like the 17 year relationship that you left - trying to be close with a man who is not fully available for mutual commitment. Grief takes time to abate. You've only had a few weeks.

Though you like your colleague, don't imagine that you really know about his marriage. Try not to judge his wife. There is way more to that story than you know anything about. In your mind, he's a victim of a cold, controlling woman. That image was painted for you to serve a purpose. It's not the whole story. Sure there may be truth to it, but understand there is a lot you don't know . . . a lot. That man is staying in that marriage for more reasons than just his kids and the church. That rationale about the kids is way too convenient. Don't let yourself be used.

When you find yourself longing for the warmth of this man who is a good cuddler, ask yourself about his faults. I bet you find it hard to think of anything. That's not because he doesn't have faults. You don't really know him. In your mind, you've idealized him. He seems to be everything your ex wasn't. Beware of letting yourself be used. You have a tendency to give more than you are given to.

Putting distance between this co-worker and yourself was the mature thing to do. You did make a rational decision. Sometimes the brain has to overrule the heart. Give yourself credit for that. It is awfully difficult.

There are parallels in the relationships you had with both of these men. Both of these men kind of wanted to have their cake and eat it too . . . at your expense. You sound like a giver. They were each exploiting that. I know you don't want to think of your colleague in that light, but I'm afraid the shoe fits. You're very quick to understand someone else's need. Your needs have to matter as well.

Distraction is often the best thing you can do to get through grief. The mind can't really think of two things at once. So do immerse yourself in other activities, as you are doing. I'm sorry for the loneliness you feel. That is hard. However, you are now available for other relationship opportunities. There is a void in your life. It feels empty. But that is the space that has to exist to provide room for something better. I hope you find it.