[afnw]

Therapy the last 2 years has brought out a lot of stuff. Things that have long been buried, and have been immensely difficult for me to face.

I've written about it before, my feelings about relationships, though I admit I was doing a lot of projecting at the time. It was hard to face some feelings, which I have found has always been very hard for me.

And I admit, when I was writing before about how I didn't need anyone or want any relationships, I was trying to (in my own way) bury some pretty painful feelings and deny them.

So with that out of the way... the biggest issue I deal with is rejection. That is an old wound from my earliest years of life, that over the years just kept getting piled on and piled on.

I was bullied throughout middle school for instance. And just always being the misfit and outsider in every social circle I have ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with, people over the years just endlessly prove me right that people are not only cliquish, but can never (rarely ever) accept people that are different from them. If you don't meet their expectations, you open yourself up to ridicule, being bullied, being labeled a "weirdo" or freak, that is unless you strive to be a people pleaser and put yourself aside and just be what everyone wants you to be. (which is something I did for many years)

My first rejection in life came from my own mother, and my own family. Always criticised for everything I ever did, nothing was ever good enough for her. From my earliest years to this very day, she never supported me or encouraged me (and never loved me), or encouraged my own personal growth, but instead placed expectations upon me that I could never attain.

(which became the seed of rebellion in my own heart as a young teenager)

Always made fun of, derided and abused or outright ignored, my mother was the first of many wounds.

Which brings me to my point. After all of these years, now that I am in my 40's, it has become very clear to me that not only do I have a lot of women issues and wounds, and very low self-esteem, I also came to realize that since I was a kid, I self-sabotage a lot.

It's hard for me to accept anything good in my life. Even lately, as I have pondered the issue of relationships and if that's something I really want. The answer is yes, I would like atleast a chance to meet 'the one' and be able to decide for myself if that is something that I really want or not.

But the other night as I was laying in bed drifting off to sleep and thinking about these things, thoughts came into my mind of having this compulsion to do anything I can if I ever met someone, of sabotaging and dissuading them from liking me.

Cause truth is, and it's still hard for me to admit, but deep down I feel like I don't deserve it. I hate myself and I have terrible self-esteem, and for whatever reason I this compulsion to want to do everything I can to destroy any chance of ever having any love in my life.

Just the other day (I have a full head of hair mind you), I noticed a tiny bald spot about half the size of a pencil eraser head just off my part. And Ithought, how in a way, given my other inadequecies I feel, if I really ever did go bald, how it would not only be another knife in the heart of my self-esteem, but how it would be yet another reason to be undesirable to a woman.

Cause that part of me that feels like I deserve to not have that, actually found that idea pleasurable in a masochistic, self-defeating way, and in a weird way, I hoped it would happen just so women would find me undesirable and pass me by.

I know it's messed up to feel that way, but truth is I honestly can't stand the thought of anyone liking me or wanting to be with me.

My whole life I have felt like the outsider and misfit in social circlrs. A big part of me doesn't want that, but yet there is still a small part of me that yearns for acceptance and feels lonely. But because of all of my past wounds, I can't stand the thought of opening up to anyone any more.

And just the same if I were to have a romantic relationship, I couldn't stand to open up to them and open up that huge ball of hurt inside.

But this compulsion to sabotage it, I feel like I deserve that, and in so doing, just becomes self-fulfilling like it has been my whole life.

I speak to all of this intellectually because quite honestly I can't find any other way of expressing these thoughts and feelings. But it actually all really hurts.

I'm not looking for any support, I just wanted to get this down somewhere.

Thank you for listening to me.

(and sorry this got long)

It is strange how people's thought processes can put themselves into their own prison. Logically, it should be so easy to live in the present but I know it is such a struggle for people who have been traumatized--especially when that trauma started when they were younger. I am glad you are in therapy and are talking about it here logically.

Hope that therapy can help you discover your self worth - you are good enough (& that doesn't mean perfect, because none of us are) although you may not feel that right now.

PS - baldness is not necessarily an unattractive thing, certainly from my perspective.

[afnw]

Sorry for the late reply.

I was just getting some thoughts down, but thank you, you both for your replies.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

It is strange how people's thought processes can put themselves into their own prison. Logically, it should be so easy to live in the present but I know it is such a struggle for people who have been traumatized--especially when that trauma started when they were younger. I am glad you are in therapy and are talking about it here logically.

It is true that I still deal with a lot from my past.