[Upset.bride]

This story is a little long. My fiancé and i met when we were 14 years old at our campsite i fell in love with him the moment i met him, i knew there was something different about him. We lived in two different states. Every summer we had a little fling until he got a gf, then one weekend he cheated on her with me, and eventually i called her and told her but didn’t tell her who i was or anything.

Years down the road when he was 2nd year in college we started long distance dating, it was amazing for awhile then he ghosted me, just out of nowhere i got no texts i called and called and called. Nothing. Then about 6 months later he reached out to me apologized and boom we started talking again and eventually dating. Then again he ghosted me after about 6 months. I was so crushed and broken.

I blocked his number and vowed to never speak to him ever again. When i saw him at our campsite he could be 10 feet away from me and wouldn’t make eye contact never said anything. It was awful. I forced myself to move on and start dating “Keith”. Keith had a good family but he was no good. He drank and smoked cigs but him and i both smoked weed so we got along.

I moved in with him we got a dog but i could never stop thinking about “ethan” the boy who ghosted me. Nobody ever compared to Ethan. Eventually Keith became to much of a drinker and was angry and had issues i broke up with him, however he had a really hard time with it. I was close to his mom and she had cancer. He had become suicidal he would call me and i did continue to be there for him as a friend because i did still care for him as a friend.

My ex from about 6 years ago “Kyle” and i had always remained friends because our relationship wasn’t super serious and there just weren’t real feelings there but we were still cool as friends and he sold weed and would always hook me up so i smoked and hung with him and one of my girls from high school a lot. So after i broke up with Keith a month went by and I couldn’t help it but i reached out to Ethan. I just couldn’t stop thinking about what he did and how hurt i was and how much i loved him and thought about him.

We started talking like it was yesterday. He explained he had an emotional breakdown he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but he hadn’t slept with any girls since he’d been with me. He apologized and so we started talking again. When we first started talking i was still talking to my ex Keith because of our dog and his mental health and his mom going through cancer. I also started hanging with Kyle again because i started buying weed off him so we would smoke together and hangout we went out a couple times with my girl from high school and him and i went to Cheesecake Factory with him one time because he had a giftcard however i paid for myself.

Just friends. Ethan saw a picture i posted on Snapchat of me with Kyle and my friend at the bar Kyle had his arm around me. Ethan asked me who he was and i said my friend Kyle. I didn’t tell him he was my ex and i should have. This was a big mistake. Ethan and i started dating a month after our first conversation and we became inseparable we would visit eachother constantly we feel so deep in love i was so happy. Eventually Ethan asked me if Kyle and i had ever hooked up and i said no. I lied. I was just so scared for him to think something more of our friendship cause there really wasn’t anything going on Kyle actually had a gf at the time i was scared to lose him again.

Ethan kept asking me and i kept lying. I should have just come clean but i knew if i told him i lied the first time it would cause him to think something was going on. So i spun myself into the biggest most awful web of lies you could imagine. I wasn’t in a good place. Well ethan kept pushing it he wouldn’t drop it, then one night he went and looked back at my fb from 5 years priors scrolled through all my posts and found a post i created about Kyle. He called me out on it and i confessed. I explained we had dated for about four months.

Kyle and i were pretty on and off and i tried to explain to ethan that we weren’t a super serious relationship and that we had always been friends. He wasn’t happy. He threatened to leave me i told him i would cut all ties with Kyle. I told Kyle we could no longer be friends. But he would keep calling and texting me, I blocked his number. He got a new number and called and texted me. So ethan got really pissed. I kept blocking his new numbers and eventually he stopped. Kyle was upset because i just dumped him as a friend and he was hurt he said. Ethan and i worked it out but he was very untrusting of me. I picked up my life and moved in with him and his family, I would’ve done anything to keep him.

Things were good but he would constantly say things to me about me cheating he thinks i was banging Kyle and him at the same time. He would sometimes tell me he trusted I didn’t but then turn around and say i cheated. He proposed to me. 4 days later while ethan was on night shift Kyle messaged me off a new facebook that I hadn’t blocked and asked me if i got engaged. I responded and said yes. He didn’t respond so i tried to block him but deleted the convo so I couldn’t find that new facebook account.

The next morning whil i was outside ethan looked at my phone and Kyle had fb messaged me. What he said made it clear this wasn’t the first message. So i had to tell ethan that Kyle had messaged me and i tried to hide it from him. I was just so sick of hearing **** from him about Kyle every single day he would say little comments about me being a liar and a cheater and I didn’t want to make that even worse. He stormed out of the house so i continued my conversation with Kyle over messenger. I explain why ethan was mad and that he needed to stop contacting. He was confused as to why ethan got so upset i explained its because i had lied.

He congratulated us on our engagement and then said goodbye. I haven’t heard from him since. Ethan and i are getting married in 6 months. And he will constantly make remarks like “if you cheated you should tell me” “do you think its wrong for someone to cheat on someone then marry them without telling them they cheated?” “No cheat?” It causes a fight atleast once a week. He is my absolute best friend i am so in love with him but this is making me miserable. everything is fine about 90% of the time but this 10% that includes the constant cheating mentions is making me miserable.

I have tried to leave a few times due to the comments but ethan always begs me to stay and promises to stop. I don’t know what to do i just feel so trapped. I do not want to spend my life with anyone else he is honestly my soulmate and i felt it when i was 14 years old. He treats me very very well always but when he makes these comments it worries me so much. I know i lied to him and that’s why he has this distrust but i just feel he should be understanding due to the fact that he broke my trust first and really messed up the way i handle conflicts, should i pack my bags and go back home? Or stay and make things work with the love of my life.

[Skeezyks]

Hello bride: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know as I'm the right person to be making suggestions here with regard to your situation. I'm an old man & my wife & I have been married for 38 years! What I can tell you, what I always tell young people when I reply to a post such as yours, is that it takes an ocean liner's worth of compassion & forgiveness... plus perhaps a certain amount of just plain old stubbornness to keep a romantic relationship going over the long haul!

From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though there's plenty of blame to go around here. You handled some aspects of the situation poorly, as you clearly realize. But your fiancé is not helping by continually making the remarks he's making. He appears to have some serious insecurity issues.

I think the obvious answer here is some couples counseling to help the two of you work through this before you actually tie the knot, as they say. I do think, personally, that it's going to be important for the two of you to work through this before you marry. Otherwise I fear this situation will likely continue to plague you. Saying "I do" won't make any of it magically disappear. It may just turn into a sort-of chronic "rash", so to speak, that won't go away & that becomes increasingly irritating as time goes by.

You asked if you should pack your bags & go home or if you should stay & make things work with the love of your life. Well... if this man truly is the love of your life, then clearly you need to do whatever you can to make your relationship work. But it's not just you! Your fiancé has equal responsibility. And so, to some extent, the question becomes... is he willing to hold up his end of the bargain?

There is one thing you mentioned that would be of concern to me. You mentioned you've tried to leave a few times & your fiancé begged you to stay, promising to stop. I take it, however, that he has not. This begging for forgiveness & promising to stop is, to my mind, pretty-much a classic abuse tact. The abuser promises it will never happen again & begs their partner not to leave. But, of course, once the abused partner has been appeased, & the incident has passed, the scenario occurs all over again. And it keeps happening until either the abused partner leaves or the abuser finally gets the help he or she needs. I don't want to be suggesting here that what you are experiencing with your fiancé is a sign he will become abusive once you're married. I certainly don't know that. But the dynamic you're experiencing here is the same.

Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some interest. They're not specific to your situation. But perhaps some of the ideas in them can be of some help:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infid...en-from-venus/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/dealing-with-betrayal/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...-broken-trust/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/questio...tting-engaged/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-smal...appy-marriage/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-secre...arriage/?all=1

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting! I wish you well...

Hi and welcome to the forum. I agree with Skeezyks that couples counseling would be a good idea.