[Littleblonde9]

Hi,

I am really confused about my current 'relationship' and would appreciate your advice.


I have met my dom several months ago and we got along pretty well. I am new to the bdsm world and he made me feel really comfortable etc. As things progressed he made it clear he really likes me in a vanilla way as well and mentioned something about me being his first official sub and wanting to have me around in the long run.


After 2 months I had to leave the country and we agreed to try and maintain our relation until I came back, which is a month from now.

(Side note: he has a very unregular job and is extremely busy. However he cleared a week in his schedule for me to visit him after my departure)


After the visit however our contact decreased. The phone calls we agreed on never happened unless I complained. The texting slowly became off. Every time it's the same excuse about being extremely busy.

Last time I complained he made a few hours time to talk to me and explain his busy schedule but also suggested quitting now before we end up fighting because he didn't want us to lose contact for good because of a fight.

Eventually we agreed to wait until I am back. However he's afraid I would expect too much of whatever we are having and we would fight about it.

I know it sounds stupid. In a normal relationship I would have ended it. This confuses me however, is he playing mind games or is he trying to let me go slowly? He had 3 months to break up while I was away. Or does he just want to keep me around for his convenience?

Any opinions?

[winter loneliness]

Dump him. He sounds like a controlling, *ss.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Littleblonde9

Hi,


I am really confused about my current 'relationship' and would appreciate your advice.





I have met my dom several months ago and we got along pretty well. I am new to the bdsm world and he made me feel really comfortable etc. As things progressed he made it clear he really likes me in a vanilla way as well and mentioned something about me being his first official sub and wanting to have me around in the long run.





After 2 months I had to leave the country and we agreed to try and maintain our relation until I came back, which is a month from now.


(Side note: he has a very unregular job and is extremely busy. However he cleared a week in his schedule for me to visit him after my departure)





After the visit however our contact decreased. The phone calls we agreed on never happened unless I complained. The texting slowly became off. Every time it's the same excuse about being extremely busy.


Last time I complained he made a few hours time to talk to me and explain his busy schedule but also suggested quitting now before we end up fighting because he didn't want us to lose contact for good because of a fight.


Eventually we agreed to wait until I am back. However he's afraid I would expect too much of whatever we are having and we would fight about it.


I know it sounds stupid. In a normal relationship I would have ended it. This confuses me however, is he playing mind games or is he trying to let me go slowly? He had 3 months to break up while I was away. Or does he just want to keep me around for his convenience?


Any opinions?

Mind games. I’ve read if you have to ask questions get rid of him. If you need advice that’s the sign of a bad relationship. I agree: end it.

[divine1966]

He is bad news. Be done with him

No, it doesn't sound stupid at all (the way you feel). You could ask him if he's playing mind games. Though I suppose if he were, you wouldn't get a straight answer. Regardless of the type of relationship, I think mind games are not a good thing. I would end it.

[tecomsin]

My opinion is to look at what he does rather than what he says. he could be ambivalent about long term by what he is willing to put into it... not much

and not what you are looking for now.

My vote is convenience. He's looking for convenience.

A good Dom takes care of his 'property.'

[seesaw]

Well, I don't know about it being mind games. I was in the exact same situation with one of my exes. It was a long distance relationship, and he was self-employed, so he was always hustling for clients. If any client called for any reason at any time, they were the first priority. He was so worried about losing clients that he could never put anything ahead of their needs. He would drop contact with me for long periods of time. Finally I ended it. I tried to be understanding, but being self-employed myself, with my own clients, I know that clients understand when you have boundaries and when you can respond to an emergency and when you can't. Also, most of the things he described as emergencies, weren't really emergencies. And he had a habit of giving his clients an unrealistic expectation of how quickly he could complete work, hence getting behind and having to ditch me and our plans so he could stay and finish his work.

So, I don't know if it's a mind game or if it's that work is his priority and he will NEVER put that over your plans with him. So I would break it off. He's made it pretty clear that his work is his priority and he cannot prioritize time with you. And prioritizing time with you doesn't have to mean his work suffers. I set boundaries with my clients, I'm still very flexible and available to them, and they know when I'm going to be unavailable because I'm spending time with family or friends, and they have learned to respect that (mostly because I am so flexible and available all the rest of the time).

So...I don't know about mind games, but I know about commitment and priorities, and he is showing no commitment to you. I don't know if this really has anything to do with BDSM, because it seems, at it's heart, that any relationship is the same. Yes, the details are different, but all relationships require commitment and communication, neither of which he is exhibiting.

Seesaw

[leomama]

You can look up Facebook pages like lost pinup or thrive after abuse.

A true dom takes care of his sub. She submits to him and in return he cares for her. A dom is a man of his word because in order to fully submit you have to trust him. This guy is not a dom and it's people like this that give bdsm relationships a bad name. Dump him and go find a real dom that treats you right.

[Steiger]

What kind of dominant man is afraid to fight? A subservient one. Your barking up the wrong tree.

[Steiger]

My point of course being that he is clearly neither in control nor interested in taking it.

[CelestialFlame]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Dump him. He sounds like a controlling, *ss.

dude a dom is supposed to be controlling lol thats what a bdsm relationship is.

[winter loneliness]

As many have commented, not a good guy.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by CelestialFlame

dude a dom is supposed to be controlling lol thats what a bdsm relationship is.

NO!
Dude, sorry bdsm relationships are NOT all based in control. Let’s not even discuss this theory & keep with the OP.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by Littleblonde9

Hi,


I am really confused about my current 'relationship' and would appreciate your advice.





I have met my dom several months ago and we got along pretty well. I am new to the bdsm world and he made me feel really comfortable etc. As things progressed he made it clear he really likes me in a vanilla way as well and mentioned something about me being his first official sub and wanting to have me around in the long run.





After 2 months I had to leave the country and we agreed to try and maintain our relation until I came back, which is a month from now.


(Side note: he has a very unregular job and is extremely busy. However he cleared a week in his schedule for me to visit him after my departure)





After the visit however our contact decreased. The phone calls we agreed on never happened unless I complained. The texting slowly became off. Every time it's the same excuse about being extremely busy.


Last time I complained he made a few hours time to talk to me and explain his busy schedule but also suggested quitting now before we end up fighting because he didn't want us to lose contact for good because of a fight.


Eventually we agreed to wait until I am back. However he's afraid I would expect too much of whatever we are having and we would fight about it.


I know it sounds stupid. In a normal relationship I would have ended it. This confuses me however, is he playing mind games or is he trying to let me go slowly? He had 3 months to break up while I was away. Or does he just want to keep me around for his convenience?


Any opinions?

New to the bdsm world....& he made me feel so comfortable. This kind of reads like Penthouse Letters. Sorry.
So you’re his “first official sub?” You did not see this as a red flag?
Did you interview this Dom?
Does he have prior references or is he vetted in your community? Do other people know him or what his character traits are?
This doesn’t sound like a bdsm type relationship at all imho, it sounds 100% vanilla with someone using the BDSM terms to flush out the newbies.

What is your role as his “sub.” This should be clearly defined to you, before anything ever happened & that can even include how you both communicate to each other. You have a contract in place? You said you didn’t get a call until you “complained” & he’s “busy” & wants to stop before this is a fight.....sorry there’s nothing D/s here at all. It’s just vanilla.

You’ve been duped.

[winter loneliness]

Many controlling and abusive men use BDSM as an excuse. There is a difference.

[Michigan1966]

If someone is into you, they make the time - busy or not.
I’m sorry, but he doesn’t feel like you’re a priority any more. Time to move on. It won’t get better, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

[blubbbrabbel]

Originally Posted by Michigan1966

If someone is into you, they make the time - busy or not.
I’m sorry, but he doesn’t feel like you’re a priority any more. Time to move on. It won’t get better, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

I don't know about bdsm. But in my experience it is very true that you can tell weither you are a priority or not. It can hurt pretty bad. And it doesn't have to be on purpose. When I felt strong for someone who would accept my love but not return it in the same way... I was the one manipulating my thoughts in order to go on with it... Don't know weither this might be the case?
I wish you all the best!

[Albatross2008]

If you are uncomfortable in any way, it should be your right and your option to end it. If he's keeping you from doing that, it has gone past role play and into abuse.