[JustAnotherSurvivor]

Hey,

I really need some advice. Its a long post but I would really appreciate it if you could read it and help me out/share your story if its similar. I do not know whom to speak to.

I've never been to therapy or talked to anyone about my issues. ( I want to but can't get myself to do it ), so I draw conclusions on my own (about my issues) based on blog posts and books.

Anyways, so here's the thing. I am 21 year old girl, and have never been in a relationship. That bothers me a bit.

I've never been hugged by a guy, never been kissed. I do not have even a single guy friend in my life. And my dad (who's caused me a lot of emotional pain by not being a dad to me) is also emotionally and physically absent from my life, he just likes being anywhere but home. I do not have a single male presence in my life. Not one.

When I was younger, I used to think that I've been single all this while because I was ugly. ( Thats the only conclusion my brain could come up with at the time, as I was unaware of my issues. ) and I was very insecure of how I looked. But when I came to college, I got a couple of compliments, and I also came to know through a few people that a lot of guys like me/find me pretty/attractive etc. And then I started questioning if Im really as ugly as I think I am? ( Now that Im over it, which took a lot of time btw, I noticed that Im not that ugly after all ).

Then I thought it was because I was really under confident. I just wasn't able to speak to any guy. I couldn't think in their presence, I felt immobilized. This is something abnormal. And this was the case with every single guy ( be that a friend or a teacher or a classmate.. it didn't matter if I was romantically interested in them or not). And that's how I've always been, so it never bothered me before. But it started bothering me in college. I was pushing men away...always had. I really started questioning myself.

So I did a bit of research and I found a label for my condition- 'Social Anxiety'. It wasn't just boys who scared the crap out of me, it had always been new situations, new people - just about anything that's unfamiliar or makes me uncomfortable (mostly social situations).

A few months went by and I didn't really do anything about it. But then when it started bothering me again, I started doing a bit more of research. And I found 2 other labels that seemed more fitting than the previous one. Those were 'Childhood Emotional Neglet' and 'Avoidant Personality'. I am suspecting that my conclusions are quite acurate. When I read about the symptoms and an entire book on CEN, everything made sense. And when I came across Avoidant personality disorder, most of the symptoms matched and made perfect sense.. although I suspect I might have it to only some degree and it's not so extreme in my case (but still a bit extreme).

So, these issues of mine cause a problem in all areas of my life, including relationships and romantic relationships. And so as a result, I've avoided men for my entire life- to protect myself from getting rejected ( to protect myself from going through the pain of rejection that my dad had put me through in my childhood by being absent from my life- I do not blame him anymore, although I still do avoid him).

So what do I do now?

Im sick of being single. I want to just get over these issues that keep holding me back all the time. I want to break free of them ( and in the right way, by not avoiding them but be dealing with them).

I do not want to feel immobilized in a guy's presence and I do not want to be afraid of rejection. Im just always so scared of humiliation and judgement and that they'll end up thinking im dumb.

I know myself better now, and after my realization of these issues, I think I've matured up a bit, and also have more confidence and social confidence. Im doing well. But it's just this one area in my life- love,relationships, thats bugs me. I feel like Ive progressed in all other areas but this one. Because I still feel chocked up in the presence of men, especially good looking men, I feel intimidated by them and I never show any emotion on my face.I still cant have a conversation with them. When I speak, in their presence, I hear myself and I just sound so flat. I am always guarded. I do not want to be this way. And I just cant understand why its so darn hard to me 'me' in front of them.

So, if you have gone through something similar, or could help me, please let me know. Thanks loads for reading!

[Skeezyks]

Hello Survivor: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

By the way... there is such a thing as "androphobia"... fear of men. This topic came up once before in PsychCentral's anxiety, panic & phobias forum. Here's a link to that previous thread:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/anxi...-fear-men.html

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Loose Screw x 2]

You know what? I almost decided to skip this thread because I don't always like to read long posts even if they are just a little bit long but, something made me reconsider and after reading your post you sound like a lot of what you have been through and your experiences are very much like my own.
Don't feel bad about never having had a boyfriend, going on a date or intimidated by hansome men.
That isn't important right now.
Also when researching other illnesses and conditions it is important not to decide that just because you have some similar symptoms that you must have that condition but, when you get ready to have a diagnosis do bring it up just in case.
If you have researched something and it sounds spot on to the point that it is practically undeniable then do save the documents and list of symptoms for future reference.
Also you're still very young. Don't be in a hurry to start dating men or you may end up going out with men who turn out to be a disappointment. Work more on your confidence for now, continue to do research of psychology (it's fascinating!) and do some research on relationships and how men think and behave.
Also do get a diagnoses so that you can start therapy and when you feel good enough inside and confident and strong then, is when you start looking for a good man.
Don't be overly picky but, don't go out with just anyone either. Make sure that it is someone who seems to be what you're looking for.
Good luck to you.