my 24 year old son wants to visit: need advise

FallDuskTrain raised a valid concern. This young man deserves compassion. I'm sure there is a long story behind how he got to be the way he is. It is obvious to me that he is abysmally immature. He didn't get that way all by himself. Something was severely lacking in how he got reared. Mom needs to take some responsibility for that.

However . . . all that being said . . . I don't think this mother and this 24 year old son will do each other any good, living under the same roof. They will just recreate the dynamics that led to him being how he is. A lot of that is not his fault. But the two of them getting together isn't going to fix anything. There seems to be zero insight on both their parts.

This young man may be permanently damaged. Getting his teeth knocked out in a bar suggests that he has profound issues. He does not know when to leave something alone. He wants to emotionally blackmail his mother into letting him move back home and live as a child forever as how he expects her to make restitution for failing him when he was young.

He is emotionally disturbed. It is obvious to me that he does have mental illness. Maybe a lot of that is his mother's fault. Mom is mentally ill too. She probably didn't get the upbringing she needed from her parents. But history is history, and now is now. He wants to be taken care of by Mom as a right. If he gets back into her house, I think it is all too likely that he will go back to being 15 and that's how it will be for as long as Mom has a house. Mom pretty clearly, and accurately, sees this. I think she honestly does not know what to do. All the contract-writing in the world is not going to make a dent in this situation.

This young man, were he left to wander the streets, would have a better shot at maybe growing up. With Mom, all he will do is regress. He did get through college, so he is not without some inner resources. But he will happily become as big a baby, as circumstances will allow. I don't say that heartlessly. I fully appreciate that he didn't get that way all on his own.

Mom does need to expand the realm of her concern to beyond just not wanting anything to rock her boat. Taking him in may not be the answer. But I don't know how you just let your sister handle your problem child and more or less think: "Better her than me." Mom talks about providing some financial subsidy to assist this son. There may be a constructive way to do that. I would encourage her to get some professional counseling on how to set that up.

This is what I was trying to say but you put it much better.

I have a lot of compassion for the son but I also think he's an adult now and needs to have some responsibility for himself and his own emotions. And I speak this from being in the son's own shoes. My parents damaged me terribly, and I am just trying to give perspective from that side of the coin.

"zero insight"
diagnosing people who aren't even on the forum with MI.

I could go on but why bother.

I agree we can't be diagnosing your son, or even you. But from what you originally said, he called you a ******** something or other, I'm guessing, an f n b****? I've got 2 sons, one an adult and one not. I tried the hard road, the soft road, whatever I can find in between. Bottom line is neither had respect for me no matter what I tried.
Giving in to his wishes at 24 is, in my opinion, not a good idea. He is possibly manipulative, and in your words, at least verbally abusive. I wouldn't put up with that. You've decided to help him financially because you can. That's fine. But I do think many here have very good insight and very good advice. It's your job to take what you think will help, or leave what you think doesn't. I do know, the more you give people, whether in a romantic relationship, sibling, or other, such as friends or children, the more they take, and it is not the answer. He needs to contribute financially, and that is only my opinion. There are ways for people that age and with college degrees to handle their own life. I'm glad you are trying so hard to help, but, I'm only going with my experience. Best wishes.

Sounds like he needs to be in therapy to me. Holding on to that anger from childhood is unhealthy. I don't get why someone with a degree in computer science can't get a job in that field. I think he needs to find at least a job at some place while looking. Your offer to support him while he does is nice. It doesn't even sound like he appreciates that. He needs advice from someone. When children mature they often see that their parent can be a good source of advice--because they have gone through a lot and want the best for them.

Just my thoughts. You are more than meeting him halfway. His choice: Do what you say or it's back to his sister's.

P.S. I am mentally ill (bipolar) and have two sons in their twenties. They both live out of state where they have found good jobs, despite my failures as a mother because of my illness. We helped them through school and grad school. One lived with us while finishing his Master's in the same city, but he paid a very modest amount of rent. They've both been in therapy and I encouraged the older one to go back into therapy because of his anxiety. Sounds like your fellow is cutting off his nose to spite his face.

Thank you Travelinglady and disparaissant and others who have commented on this thread.

I appreciate most of the feedback. My son only recently started looking for a job and he is being quite selective in what he is willing to take. He's been diagnosed with ADD and, on top of that, if he doesn't find a job that really interests him he will not do well anyway and get discouraged so I think his approach is the right one for him. He has had some online interviews already.

He also had been in therapy. Once when he was living with me for a summer whilst at university and the other time before he graduated.

My son is adamant that he wants absolutely no advise from me. He says advise from me is triggering for him. So almost every conversation ends up with him telling me to stop giving him advise. He tells me he is unhappy living with my sister because of social isolation... not meeting friends his own age. I have made some suggestions on how to meet people where he is and then he gets angry at me for doing that.

I also get the distinct impression that I only hear from him when he wants something from me, and it seems likely that he doesn't respect me, and that bothers me a lot. I feel that whatever i might do for him will never be good enough for him.

My sister and her husband are providing a stable environment for him with many comforts of life and without all the pathologies that exist in my relationship with my son. I really believe sometimes he simply despises me and agree he would benefit from more therapy. I am in therapy myself and have been seeing the same pdoc for 9 years. I have 45 minute appointments with him each week.

I did help him find both therapists he has seen previously so once he is settled in a job I can look online if he wants and help him find someone suitable.


He is also adamant about blaming me for his problems. I failed in some aspects (not all) of raising him. His dad died when he was 8 and we almost fell apart into complete dysfunction. I was also abused as a child and never learned what it meant to be a good parent. Somehow we held it together and I was able to work and provide for him. I also developed a relationship with a man who lived with us for a number of years while he was growing up. My son didn't accept him for a long time but eventually did and even went to visit him in Germany when he was travelling.

But I have had severe bipolar disorder with a number of hospitalizations starting 10 years ago. Before that I was undiagnosed and untreated but never had a psychotic break. Living with a parent who goes psychotic and who has unstable moods is hard, but he has said to me before that he recognizes that despite all my failures I always wanted the best for him.

Sounds like you've done all you can do. My older son never asks me for advice, but my younger son calls frequently for it. Both sons have ADD. Go figure. Maybe ask him what he means by "a visit"? And it it's a short time, then try to do fun things with him and not give advice, if he wants to come. Just a thought.

Keep in touch. I care and want the best for both of you, too.

well, since I told my son now was not a good time to visit but I could pay for him to go elsewhere and not live with my sister, I've gotten only the briefest (if any) responses to my texts. I feel he ignores me unless he asking something from me. Maybe it is manipulation.

Just when the legal troubles were finally (after almost half a year) lifted from my shoulders (the Crown dropped most of the charges and the other one's I have to go through a diversion program and then they will be dropped)... just when i had a little breathing room my son is pressing me for something I am not comfortable with and then gives me the cold shoulder when I refuse.

Maybe I am over-reacting. I've heard from him since my last message. He's settling in on a plan to rent a room in the city I live in and then he can visit but also have his own place to go.

It really sounds like you've done the best you can for him. Good for you. Things should work out for you both.

well he bought a plane ticket super cheap to fly from my sister's to me. We decided he will stay with me for awhile but can rent a room on airbnb if we are not getting along well. He looked into the airbnb rentals and he is comfortable that there are lots of inexpensive and convenient places to stay. I told him I'd give him a week's notice if I wanted him to leave. Also my sister I think wanted a break. He's been there for over 5 weeks.