[toughbird]

Hi All

I've been my boyfriend for almost one year now. He has depression, anxiety, is quite socially awkward as well.

When we first started dating, it was lovely. He would phone, text, take me out on dates and compliment me. He was quite affectionate. We would have sex. It was all perfect.

Once the honeymoon period wore out, I noticed he became distant. I found myself initiating everything but he would respond. We became more like best friends then lovers.

He later admitted to me that he finds relationships difficult especially intimacy and commitment. But his willing to work on things and wants to take things slow.

His always been quite a cold person. Doesn't communicate his needs and makes excuses to prevent confrontation.

I've always noticed as well, when it comes to affection. He pushes me away when I go to hold his hand, or kiss him. He would often show anxiety. I just put it down to his fear with intimacy. To give it time he might come out of it.

I also learnt as he doesn't communicate well. I have learnt to observe his actions, body language and words to understand his communication. Even then, it's been hard.

One month ago, I told him I loved him. He accepted this well and thanked me. I told him his the only man I want to be with. When I went to innate sex, he pushed me away. I was beginning to feel upset. He finally opened up a bit. Stating if I was a fling, he would have sex with me. But as I am into him a lot, having sex together would be much meaningful and therefore he needs time to absorb this before we have sex. He seems set on us eventually having sex but to give it more time.

The following week, he went away on holiday the same week as valentines day. I sent him a text on Valentine's day with a cheesy text. He responded back to it. Then I said I missed him and he didn't reply.

Two days later, we talked on messenger. Again I told him I missed him and he replied he will see me next week. Again I was really upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. Why can't he be honest about us? He obviously didn't want to talk about it and told me he was on holiday.

When he got back which was two weeks ago. We got on really well. He came to see a play with me. Although I noticed he appeared really anxious around lots of people. Displaying behaviour that he was feeling socially awkward.

Yesterday during work (we are work colleagues as well dating). I displayed a lot of affection towards him. Offering my scarf for him to wear as we walked into the snow. Buying him an oyster card as his broke. Hugging him and rubbing his arm as he was shivering on the bus. But again, he was trying to move his arm away.

When we sat down together, I went to hold his hand and he moved his hand away. Then sat down anxious.

I started to feel upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. As this is becoming an long issue. He said, he doesn't know why he keeps pushing me away. He appeared quite uncomfortable with this conversation and trying to run away. But I was determined to get an answer today.

If I know the fears and the anxiety and the cause of why he feels this way. Then we have something to work on. Then I can avoid certain things. But all he kept saying is - I don't know why I'm like this. I don't mean to push you away. I don't know why I push you away. Claiming he doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't know why he does.

I know from one of his previous relationships - his GF went though the same thing. To the point, she decided to end the relationship and maintain being friends. Then she ended the friendship to the point where she cut contact with him.

His previous relationships has been short term or one night stands.

As far as I know - I'm the first girl who has been in love with him and shown deeper intimacy with him.

[Carmina]

He's very lucky to have you, I'm sorry but he sounds a lot like me in relationships. They always start out well enough but as I get closer to someone and care more about them the fear of losing them becomes overwhelming and I can't function and gradually shut down inside. I've been told this is 'self sabotaging'. It's great that you can show him affection like this.

[Bill3]

My first thought is that he has an attachment disorder arising from childhood. The thought would be that for whatever reason in his family of origin he did not develop a secure attachment with his mother. Instead, he became anxious about closeness because, in the past, closeness was associated with pain and/or with someone trying to engulf him, take over his life, stifle his individuality, run things so as to meet their own needs. This phenomenon is often seen when the parent(s) are highly narcissistic.

Does he speak with a therapist? If not, I think that therapy should be given serious consideration.