[Foo Fighter]

My husband and I generally get a long but we have been clashing. I am self sufficient and very stubborn. Husband is stubborn too but he thinks you need to ask for help or rely on help from others. I told him if I need it I'll ask for it...reluctantly. He tried de icing the car but it was taking too long and I was upset that he was doing it. I had not asked him to do this and can de.ice my own car. Fought so loud a d the neighbors heard (lesson learned to keep it down but now I'm a afraid the cops are looking for me....I was on the way to work by the time they checked on my husband....I don't want that to happen to either of us again, so we need help). There aren't any physical altercations....it's more of shouting match. I know he was trying to be nice but every time I say "Dear, I can get it myself" he says I'm being ungrateful and should be thankful that he's doing me such a favor. Uh, what about your honey do list to keep you busy? He has one since he works weekends. And he's untouchable. He fell asleep at my grandfather's birthday party and I shot him a look. I always.make sure I am on my.best behavior at his family functions....even for his dad's horrid girlfriend. What does my husband do at mine? Whip the IPad out, tell his mother in law his wife bought his coat took small in front of his wife and fell asleep at her grandfather's birthday party. And he gets away with it. He didn't get the IPad out at the birthday party so I will give him that but falling alseep.....And he got away with it. I get so frustrated because I really try to be on my best at his family functions. I try telling him why I didn't want him doing that and He gets defensive. We can't have a conversation about this with the other person getting upset and it turning into a shouting match. I have considered taking him to my therapist ad we are both have ASD and hopefully learn to communicate better. I tell him this and he refused, saying he didn't have a problem and there was no reason for him to go. I really do want to keep him and I know most of this is my fault (I just have problems accepting help and asking for it....that part isn't him, it's me). I know this is my fault and I'm a terrible wife but I want it to stop as much as he does. Any advice to keep both of us sane would be great. Thanks and sorry for the rant.



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[lady411]

Originally Posted by Foo Fighter

My husband and I generally get a long but we have been clashing. I am self sufficient and very stubborn. Husband is stubborn too but he thinks you need to ask for help or rely on help from others. I told him if I need it I'll ask for it...reluctantly. He tried de icing the car but it was taking too long and I was upset that he was doing it. I had not asked him to do this and can de.ice my own car. Fought so loud a d the neighbors heard (lesson learned to keep it down but now I'm a afraid the cops are looking for me....I was on the way to work by the time they checked on my husband....I don't want that to happen to either of us again, so we need help). There aren't any physical altercations....it's more of shouting match. I know he was trying to be nice but every time I say "Dear, I can get it myself" he says I'm being ungrateful and should be thankful that he's doing me such a favor. Uh, what about your honey do list to keep you busy? He has one since he works weekends. And he's untouchable. He fell asleep at my grandfather's birthday party and I shot him a look. I always.make sure I am on my.best behavior at his family functions....even for his dad's horrid girlfriend. What does my husband do at mine? Whip the IPad out, tell his mother in law his wife bought his coat took small in front of his wife and fell asleep at her grandfather's birthday party. And he gets away with it. He didn't get the IPad out at the birthday party so I will give him that but falling alseep.....And he got away with it. I get so frustrated because I really try to be on my best at his family functions. I try telling him why I didn't want him doing that and He gets defensive. We can't have a conversation about this with the other person getting upset and it turning into a shouting match. I have considered taking him to my therapist ad we are both have ASD and hopefully learn to communicate better. I tell him this and he refused, saying he didn't have a problem and there was no reason for him to go. I really do want to keep him and I know most of this is my fault (I just have problems accepting help and asking for it....that part isn't him, it's me). I know this is my fault and I'm a terrible wife but I want it to stop as much as he does. Any advice to keep both of us sane would be great. Thanks and sorry for the rant.



.

I say if the man wants to help you with something...ANYTHING AT ALL!... by all means let him. Trust me it's a man thing. Maybe it's even his "love language". Men like to feel useful and helpful. They may not always get it right but they try and in a way it's kind of sweet.

As far as bringing out the iPad or phone during a family function, I would recommend maybe trying to include him more in the event (asking for his help with something which is something he enjoys doing, asking for his input on a conversion, etc).

- married 4yrs

[hvert]

You're not a bad wife, but these fights sounds really stressful. It's too bad he won't go with you to the therapist so you can start to work out some of the communication issues.

Having an argument loud enough that the cops get called over de-icing is scary. Even if you work with your therapist alone or just work on your own on skills to prevent it from escalating like that, it could be really helpful. And I really would work on accepting help and loving gestures from him. What went through your mind when you saw him de-icing your car? Were you worried he was going to mess it up?

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not terrible. You just have to work through some communications problems, that's it. Why do you think you're reluctant to let him help you? Do you think that implies you're not "indipendent" enough? Perhpas you could start working on that

[Foo Fighter]

The de icing was for a couple of things, He was called into work that morning and came home before I left for work. Then he ran a couple of errands and I figured he should just sit back and enjoy his afternoon. He said he went to heat the car up and he was also de icing it....I noticed I was running a tad late and tried helping him do it...and we argued over who was doing it right....Then there were spots missed....it wouldn't have saved time because I got caught in traffic on the way to work.

[Jet1973]

I don't think communication is the issue. The shouting match sounds like you were communicating things to one another just fine. Compatibility is the issue, you're on different wavelengths. If you have a fight with a friend or a coworker, you can drop it pretty quickly, but disagreements with spouses, the person that is supposed to love us and support us, those are much more detrimental.

He was taking too long, but I'd imagine fighting about the situation made it take even longer, no? It sounds like you both may have some anger issues, maybe some marital counseling would help, but definitely focus more on the things that bring you together than the things that divide, if you want the marriage to last.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think some people need to be needed by other people. My mother's a lot like that. She only feels complete when she's helping others.

[hvert]

That sounds super frustrating.

It's okay if he wants to spend his time helping you instead of relaxing. Ultimately, he gets to decide how he spends his time. It would be good to work on being okay with that, imo.

It's also possible to do the same job correctly multiple ways, and it's good to get used to that also. TBH, I struggle with that and often want to correct my bf when he's cooking because he's not doing it the way I think he should... but I snap at him when he critiques whatever I'm doing in the same way.

When you asked him to stop de-icing because you wanted to do it yourself and just go to work, he didn't. Why? Did he not get that you were serious? Did he not care how much it bothered you? Did he think you were going to drive off in an unsafe car if he didn't finish doing it his way? This argument actually seems like an awesome way for you two to talk about how you guys fight/handle disagreement because the topic is so impersonal but you both got worked up to the point that the neighbors called the cops.

[Foo Fighter]

Well we talked and decided that the loud arguing was definitely something we shouldn't do because even though we like to watch Cops, we don't want to end up on the show. I talked to him about family function behavior and I can't get it across that just because no one else got upset doesn't mean you're off the hook. I was upset that he fell asleep at my grandfather's birthday party. I have worked nights and came to a few of his functions with six or less hours of sleep beforehand and even though I wasn't talkative and tired I kept myself from falling asleep. It sucked but I did because I love him and he expects me to be on my best behavior in front of his family. He thinks because my mom wasn't mad or the guest of honor was that he's scot free. I told him that if I am to be on my best and sober behavior I expect him to be on his. Work in progress bit thanks guys.