[NeedHelp104]

Hi everyone.

I'm feeling pretty low, and I got little sleep last night for feeling guilty. To make a long story short, a family member of mine passed away recently. Her husband who she has been 'married' to for so long lives thousands of miles away and only came up to collect the money that she left him. Otherwise, he didn't attend the funeral. Additionally, he cheated on her for many years and he neglected his daughter, calling her names and lowered her self esteem to the point eating became her coping mechanism, leaving her to be overweight. He would gamble, etc.

Anyway, he has a FB. I sent him a private message and... well, it wasn't appropriate. I was mad and I sent him an angry message that I now totally regret. It wasn't appropriate and I called him names I should not have.

My whole family is mad at my decision. No one in my family has expressed their feelings of disappointment to him, but I am angered by this. I was just mad. I couldn't believe at all this. I never told my family this part, but for many years in school I was harassed and bullied, and alienated. Everyone had a low opinion of me, as I did myself as a result. I never fit in. I have liked a person and had a similar situation to this, where the person I liked just made me feel guilty for it. I missed out on a lot of opportunity (ex: playing in sports, etc). because I simply didn't have confidence whatsoever. I believed I was ignorant, stupid, etc. It later led to a depression I had since middle school, and it finally got resolved as a junior in College. I falsely attributed it to my personality but once I received treatment I realized it's important to not dwell on certain feelings, thoughts, and to approach challenges in a more positive, productive way. I was simply living through the emotions and not coping, and most importantly I learned to respect and love yourself unconditionally.

I do regret what I did. My family is not going to see him anymore anyway because he has his own family in a different state. I just sort of related to with my Aunt, and especially how my cousin grew up with a low self-esteem due to the way she was treated. I grew up with a low self-esteem as well since middle school, primarily due to bullying, alienation, etc. from other classmates. Considering now I have matured, and thankfully have grown from my experience, I am no longer depressed and I love myself for the first time in many years. It feels entirely great to love yourself.

I just related entirely to this experience, and learned to respect myself and thought that by expressing my feelings towards him would enlighten him the consequences of his actions. But instead, my family is angered I had taken my own initiative to express my feelings without their consent.

Does anyone else understand what I am trying to say, as to why I decided to do this? I wasn't supposed to get involved in this matter because it did not concern me, but because no one else was going to express their disappointment I just felt angered too because I could relate to the low self esteem, etc. my cousin went through. Just looking for words of encouragement.

[DoroMona]

You're an adult and I don't think you should have to ask for your family's permission before expressing yourself. You don't represent them, only yourself. Yes, sometimes we mis-speak out of anger and regret it, but sounds like your uncle was a real SOB and it's natural that you were angry. Maybe it's a good thing that someone said something. I don't think it sounds like you did anything enormously bad. Try not to dwell on it, as you try not to dwell anymore on your uncle. Perhaps a message to your cousin, explaining yourself or apologizing or expressing your sympathy, would help make you feel better.

[SorryShaped]

I don't think I can relate enough here. You figured yourself out already. That's really awesome. I'm still working on it.
You made a mistake while in grief. That's so common, it's considered a NORMAL part of the grief cycle, the anger part. You seem to be the person I wish I were a tenth of. Let your own anger at yourself go. Your family, if they love you, will let it go in time.

[graystreet]

I feel like you have to be a little more kind to yourself, here. It sounds like, however misguided, your actions were done out of a sense of love and protection for your family member. You were sticking up for her. It may not have been the most productive thing to do, but was it the worst thing in the world? No. And the world isn’t going to come to an end because of it. Maybe I didn’t catch the part where your other family members are directly affected by this, but it doesn’t seem they are. Eventually they’ll get over it. In the meantime, take care of yourself and just be kind to yourself.





Edit: spelling

[Crazy Hitch]

Grief has many forms, anger being one of them.

Take it easy on yourself.

Albeit it hurt your family, it helped release your feelings