I truly give up

There are some similarities between you and myself. I had depression, often cried to God that I wish I hadn't been born, knew I wasn't wanted by my parents, went through an abusive marriage. I hit back sometimes. But when we come to feel like dirt, being called the worst names in the book, we are hurting so much that we come to not care what we do or say. I had tried to end my life many times. I felt not worthy of anyone's care or love. I don't know what to tell you, because you are hurting so badly I don't want you to feel any worse. You don't want to be told you have worth, I understand. I've felt that way too.

I wish things could turn around for you somehow. I never believed anything would get better in my life, and in some ways they definitely are not. I also believe I'm now more grateful, even for the suffering in my life, because it has taught me that I made it, even through the worst of feelings, the worst of abusive situations. Even now, my younger son acts abusively and has no respect for me. The only one who ever will truly care about me, that I know for sure, is myself. I also began smoking again, thinking, who cares? I want to die already. I feel like every person I touched in life, there life was made worse somehow.

I can no longer live with those thoughts and thinking patterns. You blaming yourself for everything is wrong. Tisha above, said that's black and white thinking, and it is. You are never totally at fault. It is the environment you grew up in, the people who were in your life, the abuse you suffered. It all contributed to how you feel about yourself today. Only you have the power within you to accept yourself as you are, forgive yourself for the faults you see, and be grateful for what you have in this moment.

I sometimes am very thankful that my family doctor recommended reading "The Power of Now", by Eckhart Tolle. This is not a cure all, I'm not promoting some hocus pocus cure, but if you go to youtube, type in his name, and listen to some videos of his on the "Pain body, or depression, or relationships", etc., I do think with some patience you may understand yourself a bit better.

I wish you the best gray. I actually commend you for your honesty here.

You sound a lot like I used to be. People think there is the one answer to everything from gun control to a cure for cancer. It don't work that way. You put together different things to get a grip on a problem-realizing you won't solve it 100%. if I say read quotes from famous people you might scoff with an attitude of 'it won't work' of such. The thoughts you have are not coming from the real you but from habits you've acquired over years. Learn to ignore them and keep busy doing stuff. He not busy being born is busy dying said bob dylan. Read up on rational emotive therapy. Go for walks or to a gym. Don't look for friends.

It's the mind playing tricks on you, that's all. It's mental illness and has no real bearing to external reality at all - but emotionally, mentally, it's very draining, yes - very deceptive. Just try not to feed the self negativity all the time - let the sun come in sometimes, too, if that's possible. That's what I try to do. If you're alone, you're alone. It's a challenge.

I see where you're coming from on some of the things you are saying. I've given up too. My entire life has been a struggle to be good and to do good and in the end I feel like I have been royally screwed over by fate. I've had enough of it. Save for trying to maybe lend a caring ear for others who are hurting when I'm feeling soft enough to do so, I've given up on chasing after the ways of righteousness and trying to be something I'm not.
I mean what is the point? Why bother? Some people are made to have it good and some of us are damned to destruction from the start. That goes double for me because I'm self-destructive too.
I know a kind of hate that I can't express here. I know a rage and a wrath that fills my mind and heart with a malice that eats and eats and hungers for more. Since my merger with my dark alternate my mind has been opened to new things and a way that I like feeling. Oh sure, later I will revert back to my normal host state and feel like **** for saying such evil things but, why hide the truth? To me tiptoeing around for fear of offending others or worrying what people will think of you is for the weak. Well, anyway... I say to keep that anger but, instead of turning it inward try finding an outlet like using a punching bag or taking some martial arts classes. Also go to your local flea market and buy a pair of brass knuckles and whatever else you see in the display case that you like. Just having stuff like that can feel really cool and give you a feeling of power. You don't even have to use them or carry them if you don't want to. Just sitting around and twirling them on your finger like a keyring and fantasizing is enough to work up some satisfyingly mean anger which you can burn off with a lot of exercise. Getting out in the sunlight and exercising until you're tired enough to take a nap will relax you and even improve your mood. Anger doesn't have to be all bad. You just have to know how to tame it and make it work for you instead of against you.
Anyway, if you want to talk about anger or bitterness or pretty much anything negative just let me know. ;-)

I used online dating sites for probably 15 plus years off and on but never met more than 3 people in real life. Those sites honestly (especially for men) are just a money pit if you pay for them. I've paid for 2 of them for about 6 months in length but no longer. Those sites give you a false hope that there is some way to meet someone but if you send a message to 25 woman that are thought out and not a simple - 'Hi how are you?" and they ignore you - then its not worth the time.

Then there really is no way to meet people. Which goes against the advice people give me of "get out, meet people, move on." Even my T has said there are far too many bad memories tied to the area I live in right now. She agrees with me saying I need to get out of here.

My house is in a disarray of me throwing things away, breaking things down to be donated, packed. But I'm so exhausted. Just like, an all-consuming exhaustion. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm aware that, wherever you go, there you are. And I'm sure my problems will just follow me. But at least I'll be somewhere else. I know if I spend another year here, I won't make it.

I know I sound whiny and negative as hell, but I truly have lost all the will to fight. I don't want to work anymore. I don't even care if I become homeless. ****...I've lived on the street before. Only concern I have is what will become of my cats. They're the only thing I care about anymore.

Hi Gray, please don't give up. I have been through a remarkable amount of tumult in my life. We all get to the point where we have to face ourselves. I hit that point a couple years ago. But during and after that period, the most amount of positive growth occurs. We all make mistakes and we all have bad things done to us by other people. I know it is tough, but don't beat yourself to pieces about it. You deserve a good life, just like anyone else.

I pursued meaningless sex. I did think it was better to bed down with a warm body, rather than be alone night after night. I make no apologies to anyone for that. That's how I met the guy I've now been with for many years. I met him in a bar and went home with him, thinking: "Why not? He doesn't seem like a serial killer." I left my phone number with him, doubting I'ld ever hear from him again. Surprise, surprise.

I've never dated anyone that I found through a website. But I've checked them out. I would be put off by a candidate who said they were looking for a potential life partner. That's way to heavy a hope to come to a first date with - IMHO. I'ld be way less intimidated by a response from someone who said, "Let's enjoy a few hours together." No pressure.

So make use of feedback to discover what works. Keep the dating site profile light-hearted. Be less unpleasant, if you recognize that as a tendency you have.

FB is sometimes called "fakebook," for good reason. People let you see what they want you to see. Everyone there adores their spouse and loves each of their kids "to the moon and back." Every woman declares that she is "so blessed." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks for the reply.

I've faced myself countless times. I've been in this position I don't know how many times. Like I think I've said before (and to my T), I've just lost the will to keep fighting. There's not much of a point anymore. What am I fighting for?

My T told me today that I am showing signs of PTSD and depersonalization from recent events. I think I would agree.

Stop fighting. Yield to what the universe sends you. Keep an open mind and heart, and just see what happens.

I never planned anything. I have only taken roads before me, making choices in which path, never knowing where they’re going.

You said you did not want to have children, so that’s a relief as far as the biological clock goes. Try something new. Every day can bring a new thing.

Looking at myself I asked 'why do you keep holding on to your old self image? Exactly what is defining me as a looser? If I was born a looser does that mean my personality was cast in stone? I don't think so, so I'll put a new self image in mind of a total winner. As a little child I met social situations in a defective way. Those events/memories stayed with me. In that way I developed an image of weakness. But now I am older and can look at myself and ask why I can't continually challenge that old self image as I go through my day? Apply this reasoning to yourself. What or why do you think your self is cast in stone and why can't you start to throw out the old and act and think from the new winner mentality? Be honest. Is there some reason you don't want to change? Are you getting attention that rewards you? I say to self there is no reason or excuse for hanging on to that old pathetic self image. I can involve myself in quality pursuits and drop time wasting trivial activities. I can carefully choose who I associate with and who to limit contact with. Make your life a good one. It's all up to you and nothing is stopping you except habit of thought.

40 is young. If having kids are not a concern, then I wouldn’t worry about running out of time. I got married at 50. We met at 49 married at 50. I am 52 and still feel quiet young.

A friend of mine is 61 and met someone recently, it’s been going well and she did not date for a very long time prior to that. I have a friend in late 50s who never been married and at this point doesn’t want to date. She gets herself busy with other things, but if someone comes along she’d considered. I have colleagues in their 40s, never married.

Being single at 40 is not uncommon or something to worry nowadays. You have years ahead of you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship of course but sometimes when we really want something we project that “want” on totally unsuitable people. I can relate to that. If someone is incompatible with you or plain nasty, wanting him to be “mr. Right” isnt going to make him so. Thinking that he “supposed” to be that person isn’t making him that person.

That guy from TN isn’t and wasn’t suitable. He wasn’t even nice. It’s normal to be upset with his horrible treatment but I would try not to be upset that he didn’t become “the one”, he just simply wasn’t “the one”. So good riddance.

Right now focus on cleaning up your place and getting rid of stuff and moving to a new location (use bigger metro areas so you have more choices in activities to engage). Start a new life. You are young, professional, smart and have ton of things in life to enjoy.

I never said I didn't want to change. I've been trying to change my self for
years and years. I'm over trying.

Divine: It isn't about the guy in Tennessee. I don't know why it has to be attached to a person. Yes, he wasn't right for me. Great. In fact, he was a friggin sociopath. Really great he wasn't the one. Why aren't people understanding that it's bigger than that?

Thank you all for trying to help. It's clear that the points I'm trying to make aren't being understood, same with offline. But thank you anyway.

I did therapy for ages and got nothing out of it. At a point when I was older than you are now, I went into a partial hospitalization program. I felt picked on by staff, which I was. I argued with staff on a lot if points where I felt they were wrong. Finally, my peers in the program took me aside. They validated that I was being picked on by staff. They told me I was naive and not understanding how intolerant staff was of divergent viewpoints. Then they told me that I brought a lot of negative attention on myself by challenging staff all the time. They said, "Rose, staff regards you as a pain in the rear because you challenge them. Quite honestly, Rose, we're sick of listening to you also. Sometimes, rather than argue, just let stuff go by. Take what is of value to you and leave what is not. Sometimes you got to keep your business to yourself and just avoid conflict." They managed to convey warmth and concern while telling me this stuff.

That was one of the most enlightening experiences of my life. I realized that I misspent a lot of energy. I was reacting on a hair trigger to everything and everybody. That was me letting others have too much power over me. Sometimes the most powerful thing I can do is to choose to do nothing . . . to not react. I was alienating people needlessly by letting others know that my thinking was different from theirs. Sometimes it's prudent to let people think you don't disagree with them, even though you do. My peers opened my eyes to that.

If you have a tendency to alienate people, you might be knocking yourself out asserting yourself when you would have nothing to lose by just letting some things go by. I wish I had realized that earlier in life.

You sound to me like a person capable of having passionate beliefs. (That's why banalities frustrate you.) Sometimes the world around you needs you to put a dimmer switch on that. It doesn't mean capitulating and giving up who you are. It means exercising some prudence. One can learn this.

I'm just so ****ing bored.

And I don't want to be here, to do this anymore. I'm sitting here on a Friday night ITCHING for something to do. I'm BORED. Nothing in my life excites me anymore. I'm trying to do what my T said--concentrate on getting my house ready to leave. I can't even do that. I simply don't want to exist anymore.

Being bored easily is also a symptom of the disorder. I am bored easily too. I amuse myself. I’m sitting here on Friday night in a movie lobby waiting for my son to finish his movie with his friends. I went to see A Wrinkle In Time by myself. Now I’m just sitting here comfortably alone. My husband does not want to divorce. He is asking we go for more therapy. He thinks I have a disorder and that is our whole problem so he won’t let me go. He’s never going to let up. He’s tormenting me with guilt and trying to fill me with doubt.

You said you drove them off by being too much to handle. I can’t get rid of him no matter how far he tries to push me to be mad and mean. It’s unbelievable!

I'm going to my cousin's so we can be depressed together *rolls eyes* Better than alone.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm not trying to be unpleasant or a B or horrible. I'm just incredibly depressed. My T said yesterday I am showing signs of trauma. And PTSD, and depersonalization. She gave me links for group therapy. I'm gonna go. She also wants me to try EMDR therapy, but my insurance won't cover that. No way.

I know I'm intelligent--my mom had me tested all throughout childhood (I sound like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory lmao) and sometimes that's a curse. I'd rather be stupid and happy than smart, restless, bored, and depressed. You know? **** being smart. It's a curse more often than not.

Anyway. I just want you guys to know I DO appreciate what you're all trying to do. I'm just really, really, REALLY hurting. More than I ever have. And it IS a little bit about J. I miss him tonight. I don't know why. Probably because, before all this happened, back when we were "friends," I could text him and he'd tell me it would be okay. And that I was smart, and beautiful, and that he cared for me. And now it's all a ****ing lie.

My T said that narcs do believe the lies that they're telling. That honestly helped me, in a weird effed up way. Like, that he was a huge liar, but in his mind, he believed the BS he was telling me. Idk. It's messed up. But at least it made me feel like he didn't think I was a waste of space, but was telling me I wasn't. You know?

Anyway.