[Isa70900]

I was in a very turbulent relationship (as they commonly are) with a NPD man for 4 years. 3 years ago I finally got enough- and cut him out of my life. I moved to another state- in order to start fresh without him anywhere nearby. Occasionally (in the beginning approximately once a week, after a while: once a month) he would contact me (phone). Since I know what he is capable of (and since I didn’t know about the no contact rule) I answered and led an impersonal conversation with him.

Yesterday I got a text. In the same text he manages to tell me his very much he misses me and our time together- and that he has got a new long distance girlfriend and that she is pregnant. How can a NPD communicate those two things in the same message? What mind game is this?

He was a very cerebral kind of narcissist. During our 4 years together I can count on one hand how many times he managed to go threw with and finish a normal intercourse. I am very glad (now) that I got away - and that I don’t have a child with him. At the same time it hurts a bit that he managed to get a woman pregnant. During our relationship, sex was a big issue. Me wanting it- him denying me it (and when trying to have sexual relations - often ending with him getting some sort of anxiety attack during and breaking it off). I must admit I have mixed feelings now. One one hand I feel extremely glad that he is out of my life- on the other hand I feel my old urge to understand why. Why send me the text? Why say that he misses me? Why did he all of a sudden manage to finish an intercourse? I ended our narrative when I moved away - but this postscript put me a little bit of balance. Probably cause it brought back a fraction of my old trauma from being with him?

[Open Eyes]

It's a good thing you don't have children with this individual so you don't have to keep dealing with him. You may never know the whys when it comes to his issues, and it really sounds like it would be best for you if you cut off all your ties to him too.

[graystreet]

He knows that the intercourse was an issue for both of you. The "I miss you" was to draw you in, soften you up. The "I got someone pregnant" was to cut you down. Because that is what they do; you left him, you cut off his supply, but they always, always have to come out on top, and win. Don't forget that they are master manipulators and liars--it may not even be true that he got someone else pregnant. I wouldn't try to find out, just let him have this one, because if you try and engage in some kind of verbal match with him, you won't win. NC is the only way to go with these people.

And I agree with Open Eyes--you will never know the whys when it comes to a narc because they aren't even capable of explaining the whys to themselves, let alone you. You're better off.

[Falo]

Originally Posted by graystreet

He knows that the intercourse was an issue for both of you. The "I miss you" was to draw you in, soften you up. The "I got someone pregnant" was to cut you down. Because that is what they do; you left him, you cut off his supply, but they always, always have to come out on top, and win. Don't forget that they are master manipulators and liars--it may not even be true that he got someone else pregnant. I wouldn't try to find out, just let him have this one, because if you try and engage in some kind of verbal match with him, you won't win. NC is the only way to go with these people.

And I agree with Open Eyes--you will never know the whys when it comes to a narc because they aren't even capable of explaining the whys to themselves, let alone you. You're better off.

This is excellent!

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by Falo

This is excellent!

Well, when you’ve been with one...

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with the others. Just ignore him completely.

[tecomsin]

It is hard to do but the best thing is to go no contact. Block his phone numbers and any other way he has to reach you. If he is maintaining contact so long after there is no telling how long he will continue. One reason he is doing this is because you allow it. if you don't allow it anymore then it won't continue. You did good to get away from him.

[Isa70900]

Originally Posted by graystreet

He knows that the intercourse was an issue for both of you. The "I miss you" was to draw you in, soften you up. The "I got someone pregnant" was to cut you down. Because that is what they do; you left him, you cut off his supply, but they always, always have to come out on top, and win. Don't forget that they are master manipulators and liars--it may not even be true that he got someone else pregnant. I wouldn't try to find out, just let him have this one, because if you try and engage in some kind of verbal match with him, you won't win. NC is the only way to go with these people.

And I agree with Open Eyes--you will never know the whys when it comes to a narc because they aren't even capable of explaining the whys to themselves, let alone you. You're better off.

Thank you for good advise and answers. I almost cried when I read what you wrote - it hit right I the spot. It feels really nice to be understood- cause when I was with him I struggled so much with thoughts about it all being my fault...

It has been a few days since he wrote - and I do feel quite myself again. I think it was all a really a big schock. I have sometimes wondered what I thought would become of him: and and getting someone pregnant wasn’t even something I considered due to our history and his previous life (he is now 45 and has never gotten married/had a lasting girlfriend other than me). He could have told me all other sorts of “outcomes” - and it wouldn’t have surprised me that much.

I’ve almost managed to close this final chapter as well (I didn’ Reply to the text). Like you said, trying to find logic and reasons is a waste of time. Still- are there really no limits to what a NPD-person can do to get “revenge”? When so troubled in the bedroom department- can he really have gotten a poor new victim pregnant just to get the final word?

You seem like a very wise person: do you know anything about why sex can cause panic attacks in a NPD?

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by Isa70900

You seem like a very wise person: do you know anything about why sex can cause panic attacks in a NPD?

No, I don't.

I'm not a wise person, I'm just a month out from my own relationship with a narc. With his own sex problems which he blamed on me: "I've never had issues with sex until you..." Um yeah, well, I've never had bad sex before, ever. And physically...this was not my problem. If you get my drift. Mine kept saying, "But you just make me so nervous..."

Yeah, sorry I'm so amazing and way above your pay grade (because I'm now learning that I am), but that is also not my problem.

But no, I don't know the answer to your question. Only suggestion I can give you is do what I did: Use the Google machine to read up on what you can about narcs. It will surprise you how much sounds so familiar. And what you didn't know, but will make you say, "Oh yeah...that makes total sense now why he did that..." It's also a good question for a therapist.

Best of luck.

[crushed_soul]

Originally Posted by Isa70900

How can a NPD communicate those two things in the same message? What mind game is this?

He was a very cerebral kind of narcissist. During our 4 years together I can count on one hand how many times he managed to go threw with and finish a normal intercourse. I am very glad (now) that I got away - and that I don’t have a child with him. At the same time it hurts a bit that he managed to get a woman pregnant. During our relationship, sex was a big issue. Me wanting it- him denying me it (and when trying to have sexual relations - often ending with him getting some sort of anxiety attack during and breaking it off). I must admit I have mixed feelings now. One one hand I feel extremely glad that he is out of my life- on the other hand I feel my old urge to understand why. Why send me the text? Why say that he misses me? Why did he all of a sudden manage to finish an intercourse? I ended our narrative when I moved away - but this postscript put me a little bit of balance. Probably cause it brought back a fraction of my old trauma from being with him?

I empathize greatly, Isa70900 and wish for you to be well.

Have you researched much on manipulation and abuse (especially psychological and emotional,) narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, relationships that involve someone of narcissism or ndp, abuse and so on?

I have spent countless hours thinking, learning, researching and analyzing much of what I just asked you. I will try and assist you in thinking of replies that might be possible explanations and, even, probable explanations if probability can be established at all.

From the research, I would humbly suggest that he might be communicating the two pieces of info to you in order to provoke a reaction from you. Moreover, he might want attention from you, whether positive or negative (e.g. hurt you.) Additionally, he may be attempting to feed on you again and be with you how ever he might be able to be. What he is indeed doing to you is "hoovering." He is trying to find an avenue to be back in your life through a false appearance in order to conceal his objective of continuing to feed on you as his narcissistic supply.

Please be careful labeling a person, categorizing narcissism as if there were "types" and more. People are people first and foremost. Moreover, they might be of disorders, but even if they are, there are numerous degrees to the disorder, how disorder affects the person, the "traits" of the disorder that the person exhibits and does not exhibit, and so on. Also, there is no objective "list" to narcissism, all of its traits and so on. It is a term that attempts to define behavior in people that consists of measuring different behavioral components in people. It is reductionist and inaccurate to try to label someone with a disorder as if the disorder is the same in all people in degrees and aspects (and so forth) and to try to categorize narcissism into different "types." Narcissism varies as behavior of people do. Please focus on how your ex is and how he is of narcissism particularly without attempting to generalize.

Your question about why he "managed to finish intercourse" is too difficult to try to reply to with accuracy. There are multiple possibilities such as an accident. He could have also been cheating and so forth, which aroused him to impregnate her because he was turned on through his infidelity.

[Isa70900]

Originally Posted by graystreet

No, I don't.

I'm not a wise person, I'm just a month out from my own relationship with a narc. With his own sex problems which he blamed on me: "I've never had issues with sex until you..." Um yeah, well, I've never had bad sex before, ever. And physically...this was not my problem. If you get my drift. Mine kept saying, "But you just make me so nervous..."

Yeah, sorry I'm so amazing and way above your pay grade (because I'm now learning that I am), but that is also not my problem.

But no, I don't know the answer to your question. Only suggestion I can give you is do what I did: Use the Google machine to read up on what you can about narcs. It will surprise you how much sounds so familiar. And what you didn't know, but will make you say, "Oh yeah...that makes total sense now why he did that..." It's also a good question for a therapist.

Best of luck.

Thanks :-) Will Google a bit - and then close that chapter of my life for good!

[Isa70900]

Originally Posted by crushed_soul

I empathize greatly, Isa70900 and wish for you to be well.

Have you researched much on manipulation and abuse (especially psychological and emotional,) narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, relationships that involve someone of narcissism or ndp, abuse and so on?

I have spent countless hours thinking, learning, researching and analyzing much of what I just asked you. I will try and assist you in thinking of replies that might be possible explanations and, even, probable explanations if probability can be established at all.

From the research, I would humbly suggest that he might be communicating the two pieces of info to you in order to provoke a reaction from you. Moreover, he might want attention from you, whether positive or negative (e.g. hurt you.) Additionally, he may be attempting to feed on you again and be with you how ever he might be able to be. What he is indeed doing to you is "hoovering." He is trying to find an avenue to be back in your life through a false appearance in order to conceal his objective of continuing to feed on you as his narcissistic supply.

Please be careful labeling a person, categorizing narcissism as if there were "types" and more. People are people first and foremost. Moreover, they might be of disorders, but even if they are, there are numerous degrees to the disorder, how disorder affects the person, the "traits" of the disorder that the person exhibits and does not exhibit, and so on. Also, there is no objective "list" to narcissism, all of its traits and so on. It is a term that attempts to define behavior in people that consists of measuring different behavioral components in people. It is reductionist and inaccurate to try to label someone with a disorder as if the disorder is the same in all people in degrees and aspects (and so forth) and to try to categorize narcissism into different "types." Narcissism varies as behavior of people do. Please focus on how your ex is and how he is of narcissism particularly without attempting to generalize.

Your question about why he "managed to finish intercourse" is too difficult to try to reply to with accuracy. There are multiple possibilities such as an accident. He could have also been cheating and so forth, which aroused him to impregnate her because he was turned on through his infidelity.

Thanks for support and advice. He will never get the opportunity to feed on me again. I didn’t reply to the text - and from now on in I won’t answer when he calls.

[Isa70900]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

It is hard to do but the best thing is to go no contact. Block his phone numbers and any other way he has to reach you. If he is maintaining contact so long after there is no telling how long he will continue. One reason he is doing this is because you allow it. if you don't allow it anymore then it won't continue. You did good to get away from him.

Thanks for your support! I haven’t replied to the text - and I won’t answer the next time he calls. I am still a bit worried that he eventually will turn up on my doorstep though..... I tried to break all contact once (way back in time when we lived at the same place) - and then he started stalking me. I lived in an apartment building at the time - and one of the flats was available for rent. He rented the apartment - and let various female contacts of his make vacations there for a week or so at the time, and made damn sure that I saw him/his car spending the night there. He also used to turn up at my workplace (I worked in a restaurant back then) - sometimes with a other female, sometimes to contact me. It was out of fear for him showing up at my doorstep I decided that it would cost less just to answer the phone every now and then....