Holy crap. I just learned or discovered that my oldest nephew who is in college unfriended me on Facebook.

I made a big mistake one night and messaged him there to tell him to have a great time in college and to party it up. UGH. I was a little buzzed when I wrote that to him and I know it was a BIG mistake to do so. So no one needs to tell me that it was a mistake and a bad judgement call, but my family is SO uptight that I felt he needed someone who could tell him it's OK to let loose.

Well, it turns out he is NOT into partying at all.

So now he's unfriended me, I cannot wish him a happy bday on there, and I feel absolutely TERRIBLE. I am a horrible role model and aunt!!!

[divine1966]

That’s a Facebook for you.

Wishing someone to party in college is a bit strange imho (and I am not up tight at all) but like you said you were buzzed (a different issue to look into all together as it’s not the first time drinking caused lack of judgement). I think the issue is fixable though. Call your nephew (or text if it’s easier) and apologize and talk to him directly. Tell him you love him and he matters to you and you made a mistake.

You don’t need Facebook to communicate to family. You don’t need Facebook to wish happy birthday. The thing is if you put something out there for everyone to see, it becomes much bigger issue. If however you for whatever reason don’t have his phone number (which is again an issue all in itself), ask other relatives for his phone number. Maybe you can try to get to know him better on a personal level.

Originally Posted by divine1966

That’s a Facebook for you.

Wishing someone to party in college is a bit strange imho (and I am not up tight at all) but like you said you were buzzed (a different issue to look into all together as it’s not the first time drinking caused jack of judgement). I think the issue is fixable though. Call your nephew (or text if it’s easier) and apologize and talk to him directly. Tell him you love him and he matters to you and you made a mistake.

You don’t need Facebook to communicate to family. You don’t need Facebook to wish happy birthday. The thing is if you put something out there for everyone to see, it becomes much bigger issue. If however you for whatever reason don’t have his phone number (which is again an issue all in itself), ask other relatives for his phone number

Thanks, Divine. Yes, I am aware that I make BAD decisions sometimes when I've been drinking. But let's not make this thread about that topic -- but I am heartbroken and I know I did a bad thing. Argh! I am SO mad at myself. I did apologize to him after I did that, but now I really need to address it again and say something about it being a bad judgement call on my part. I can get his cell # easily enough. I need to respect the fact that he doesn't like to party like I do. I feel SO awful.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes, I am aware that I make BAD decisions sometimes when I've been drinking. And yes, let's not make this thread about that topic, but I am heartbroken and I know I did a bad thing. I did apologize to him after I did that, but now I really need to address it again and say something about it being a bad judgement call on my part. I can get his cell # easily enough.

I am sorry you are hurting

Just address it with him individually, don’t even bother explaining to a family. Not their business. I hope he is understanding. Honestly his reaction is a bit extreme. Even if he didn’t like what you said, no need to react this way. It’s a bit out there imho or maybe he is a bit emotionally unstable? Or his parents told him to unfrirnd you

One of my stepkids does this friending or unfriending . Blocks people over totally random things and two days later she is their best friend. She calls her dad every few days to inform him that she blocked some cousins or friends and what kind of drama she got into on Facebook. Two days later she calls to say that’s all good now lol She is a lovely person, just very much into Facebook drama

Facebook is drama creating place.

Hope your nephew and you make up and keep a connection going

[RubyRae]

It sure doesn't sound to me that you did anything wrong at all.It sounds like you did something nice,which was telling him to have a great time in college.I see no reason for you to call it a mistake or to even apologize.

And,since you did already apologize,there's really nothing more you should do.If you were unfriended for something that petty it says so much about him and this is his issue,not yours.

For real,I don't think this was anything 'bad', wasn't a 'bad decision' or even a 'mistake' you made .I have done the same,even when I wasn't buzzed.And it's not your fault or your problem how he reacted.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry you are hurting

Just address it with him individually, don’t even bother explaining to a family. Not their business. I hope he is understanding. Honestly his reaction is a bit extreme. Even if he didn’t like what you said, no need to react this way. It’s a bit out there imho or maybe he is a bit emotionally unstable? Or his parents told him to unfrirnd you

One of my stepkids does this friending or unfriending . Blocks people over totally random things and two days later she is their best friend. She calls her dad every few days to inform him that she blocked some cousins or friends and what kind of drama she got into on Facebook. Two days later she calls to say that’s all good now lol She is a lovely person, just very much into Facebook drama

Facebook is drama creating place.

Hope your nephew and you make up and keep a connection going

Thank you so much.

I think it's a bit extreme too??? I mean, honestly. We're family. No need to take it that far. He IS unstable, in fact, and is in therapy because his dad is abusive.

So.. there's that piece. And I haven't bothered him on facebook since. I just don't get it. I feel really slapped in the face. And yes, FB IS a drama filled place! Tons of friending and unfriending going on there. I hate that aspect of it!

Originally Posted by RubyRae

It sure doesn't sound to me that you did anything wrong at all.It sounds like you did something nice,which was telling him to have a great time in college.I see no reason for you to call it a mistake or to even apologize.

And,since you did already apologize,there's really nothing more you should do.If you were unfriended for something that petty it says so much about him and this is his issue,not yours.

For real,I don't think this was anything 'bad', wasn't a 'bad decision' or even a 'mistake' you made .I have done the same,even when I wasn't buzzed.And it's not your fault or your problem how he reacted.

Thank you so much for your support.

It does seem rather petty. And unfair. My main point was to tell him to just have fun. He's got some issues going on for sure. Maybe I should chalk it up to that and not feel so terrible about what I did?!? Thank you again -- this helps!!

[Albatross2008]

If he's unstable and in an abusive environment, there could be any number of explanations. For all we know, maybe somebody intimidated him.

I don't think you did anything wrong, honestly. What a strange reaction to a well-meant message. I don't party myself, but if a family member sent me a message wishing me a good time in college and to party it up, I would thank them and maybe say my partying would be playing computer games.

Try not to think on it too much, ok?

Originally Posted by Arbie

If he's unstable and in an abusive environment, there could be any number of explanations. For all we know, maybe somebody intimidated him.

TY!

Yes, for all I know, he told his abusive father about my message and he's the one who suggested he unfriend me. That's very possible. His father is a total A-hole and he's afraid of him.

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

I don't think you did anything wrong, honestly. What a strange reaction to a well-meant message. I don't party myself, but if a family member sent me a message wishing me a good time in college and to party it up, I would thank them and maybe say my partying would be playing computer games.

Try not to think on it too much, ok?

TY! It really helps to hear people saying I didn't do anything SO awful. And you're right. Even if he didn't like my message, he could have just brushed it off and told me that he doesn't like to party, but thanks anyways. My intentions were good.

[RubyRae]

. My intentions were good

Remember that.It's all that matters.

This reminds me of giving someone a Christmas gift and instead of being appreciative they complain.It's hurtful,but it's not your fault,you had good intentions and meant well.

[seesaw]

Ug, seems rather extreme to me too. I mean, I was very serious in school and didn't have much time for partying, but seriously, college is the time to learn and experiment with all sorts of things (not just drugs and/or alcohol). Telling someone to enjoy this time of their life isn't a big offense, in my book.

But, it does depend on how you worded it. I agree with Divine. Just call him and explain that you just meant for him to enjoy himself during this very exciting time in his life. And to do what's right for him.

Hope you can patch it up.

Seesaw

(((((((Eve)))))) Something I'm wondering, is if it really has nothing to do with you and what you said to him (his unfriending of you) and more to do with him and what he's going through. You said he is unstable and in therapy. And you said you apologized. I'm just wondering if he's going through something. Regardless, it is hurtful to be unfriended on Facebook!! Been there! I've also been on the side where I've done the unfriending when I was unstable, and then later was like, oh man, what did I do? Anyway, I really like Divine's suggestions on page 1.

[s4ndm4n2006]

well to be honest this is probably one of the biggest reasons I hate fb in the first place. the whole obligatory "friend" thing is dumb and unreasonable. People on both sides have placed the importance of the friend thing on fb way too high. Thing is there are people that I, for one would be friends with but absolutely do not want to see their daily crap, hear from them constantly or know that the things they might say would be something I don't want to be forced to deal with..

what I mean is, there are people that even as much as I care about them I don't want them in my face all the time. and I should be allowed this. But today's culture and I believe your thinking this way too... makes being friends so significant on fb it means something far more than it should. They unfriended you, their reasons are theirs. They have not cut you off from life, they have not disowned you... it's ... just... facebook.

Turn the tables for a moment without thinking and analyzing the actual situation and let's hypothesize this. What if someone on your friend list did something outside of your acceptable code or rules. Something significant enough that it warranted unfriending them. Do you think you should be allowed to do so? Without explanation? I do. You have that right and your reasoning is YOURS and does not need explanation. You just disconnected from someone on one very finite and singular social media place. Nothing more.

So with the tables turned and all I've said, isn't it fair that they are allowed to do so based on their unknown (by you) reasons?

Let's lower our priority of having facebook friends and consider the real relationships instead first.... use fb as a tool to connect not a gauge as to whether people care about us or not.

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Remember that.It's all that matters.

This reminds me of giving someone a Christmas gift and instead of being appreciative they complain.It's hurtful,but it's not your fault,you had good intentions and meant well.

TY! And yes, agreed!

Originally Posted by seesaw

Ug, seems rather extreme to me too. I mean, I was very serious in school and didn't have much time for partying, but seriously, college is the time to learn and experiment with all sorts of things (not just drugs and/or alcohol). Telling someone to enjoy this time of their life isn't a big offense, in my book.

But, it does depend on how you worded it. I agree with Divine. Just call him and explain that you just meant for him to enjoy himself during this very exciting time in his life. And to do what's right for him.

Hope you can patch it up.

Seesaw

TY!

Now that everyone is saying so, I really don't think it was that bad. I worded it just in terms of letting loose and enjoying himself.

It's his bday today and now I cannot wish him a happy bday on his fb page. I am just not too thrilled right now with all of this. I can certainly apologize again and try to smooth it over.

Originally Posted by starrysky

(((((((Eve)))))) Something I'm wondering, is if it really has nothing to do with you and what you said to him (his unfriending of you) and more to do with him and what he's going through. You said he is unstable and in therapy. And you said you apologized. I'm just wondering if he's going through something. Regardless, it is hurtful to be unfriended on Facebook!! Been there! I've also been on the side where I've done the unfriending when I was unstable, and then later was like, oh man, what did I do? Anyway, I really like Divine's suggestions on page 1.

TY as well!

He IS going through a really rough time. Not only with his abusive father, but also in school. He's not happy and wants to transfer schools.

Maybe I should try to be more compassionate and understanding than so hurt???

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

well to be honest this is probably one of the biggest reasons I hate fb in the first place. the whole obligatory "friend" thing is dumb and unreasonable. People on both sides have placed the importance of the friend thing on fb way too high. Thing is there are people that I, for one would be friends with but absolutely do not want to see their daily crap, hear from them constantly or know that the things they might say would be something I don't want to be forced to deal with..

what I mean is, there are people that even as much as I care about them I don't want them in my face all the time. and I should be allowed this. But today's culture and I believe your thinking this way too... makes being friends so significant on fb it means something far more than it should. They unfriended you, their reasons are theirs. They have not cut you off from life, they have not disowned you... it's ... just... facebook.

Turn the tables for a moment without thinking and analyzing the actual situation and let's hypothesize this. What if someone on your friend list did something outside of your acceptable code or rules. Something significant enough that it warranted unfriending them. Do you think you should be allowed to do so? Without explanation? I do. You have that right and your reasoning is YOURS and does not need explanation. You just disconnected from someone on one very finite and singular social media place. Nothing more.

So with the tables turned and all I've said, isn't it fair that they are allowed to do so based on their unknown (by you) reasons?

Let's lower our priority of having facebook friends and consider the real relationships instead first.... use fb as a tool to connect not a gauge as to whether people care about us or not.

TY, but this is family. Family members in my book do not unfriend each other unless they intend to disown them and never speak with them again OR if that family member did something SO outrageous that it calls for blocking and/or unfriending. I did not deserve this. And I saw him just last week and he acted as though nothing were wrong.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

TY as well!

He IS going through a really rough time. Not only with his abusive father, but also in school. He's not happy and wants to transfer schools.

Maybe I should try to be more compassionate and understanding than so hurt???

Hey Eve, I think...you feel how you feel. I was just giving an alternate perspective. I think you are a compassionate person. Idk. For me, sometimes it help to not personalize. It's hard not to. I hope you get in touch with him!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

TY, but this is family. Family members in my book do not unfriend each other unless they intend to disown them and never speak with them again OR if that family member did something SO outrageous that it calls for blocking and/or unfriending. I did not deserve this. And I saw him just last week and he acted as though nothing were wrong.

but you underscore my point about the importance of fb friendship. This is YOUR value and expectation, but not necessarily his. Also the obligatory stuff because you're family? Shoot I don't even have fb friendships with my family because you know what? (well when I had fb active) most of my personal **** is none of their business since our values differ and our lifestyles. Thing is, just because I was born to the same parents does not make us compatible people or automatic fb friends for that matter.

If you loosen your rules about this facebook friendship stuff you'll have quite a lot of stress removed from yourlife.

Facebook is a pretty impersonal way to make contact - especially for important occasions like a birthday. Telling him in person or by phone is a more appropriate way to do so anyway.

I would be uncomfortable being a Facebook friend with a young person - relative or no relative. It feels like such an invasion to me. I have seen things I would much rather not see and I have been the one to do the unfriending. Likewise, he may have been uncomfortable with you seeing his college/university lifestyle. Don't take this as a personal slight. It is probably a good thing you aren't connected on Facebook in the first place.

Finally, please don't take social media so seriously. I can't stress enough that it is not a replacement for direct communication. While Facebook is fun, and a nifty way of being in the loop, it should by no means be a primary source of maintaining contact. So, use the phone. Mail a greeting card. Wish that happy birthday in a way more personal.

Originally Posted by starrysky

Hey Eve, I think...you feel how you feel. I was just giving an alternate perspective. I think you are a compassionate person. Idk. For me, sometimes it help to not personalize. It's hard not to. I hope you get in touch with him!

TY.... an alternate perspective is good!

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Facebook is a pretty impersonal way to make contact - especially for important occasions like a birthday. Telling him in person or by phone is a more appropriate way to do so anyway.

I would be uncomfortable being a Facebook friend with a young person - relative or no relative. It feels like such an invasion to me. I have seen things I would much rather not see and I have been the one to do the unfriending. Likewise, he may have been uncomfortable with you seeing his college/university lifestyle. Don't take this as a personal slight. It is probably a good thing you aren't connected on Facebook in the first place.

Finally, please don't take social media so seriously. I can't stress enough that it is not a replacement for direct communication. While Facebook is fun, and a nifty way of being in the loop, it should by no means be a primary source of maintaining contact. So, use the phone. Mail a greeting card. Wish that happy birthday in a way more personal.

I typically have gone to my nephew's birthday parties. I attended his HS graduation party with my family. He is friends on FB with my sister's best friend even. I don't think it's impersonal at all, especially when accompanied by in person parties with gifts and cards given. this year, I couldn't attend his bday party because I have to unpack since I just moved. He knows why I couldn't make it to the party. It was a brief gathering and not a big deal that I didn't attend. I plan on sending him a card and a gift, but we have always said happy bday on facebook pages.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

but you underscore my point about the importance of fb friendship. This is YOUR value and expectation, but not necessarily his. Also the obligatory stuff because you're family? Shoot I don't even have fb friendships with my family because you know what? (well when I had fb active) most of my personal **** is none of their business since our values differ and our lifestyles. Thing is, just because I was born to the same parents does not make us compatible people or automatic fb friends for that matter.

If you loosen your rules about this facebook friendship stuff you'll have quite a lot of stress removed from yourlife.

thanks, but politely I disagree. I AM hurt. Unfriending someone on FB is hurtful, especially when it's family. I am puzzled by it and cannot help how i feel. I feel slighted, like it's a big slap in the face. Clearly he doesn't want me messaging him on there.