[FallDuskTrain]

Can anyone relate to this?

I am not talking about those mature individuals who have the courage to deal with problems when they arise.

I am talking about those emotionally immature, manipulative and abusive individuals who love communicating indirectly and in a way for them to let off steam and aggressively 'put you in your place' while avoiding the conflict; I am talking about those who communicate via notes and messages because they do not have the strength or courage to deal with even the tiniest conflict; I am talking about those who keep a mental list of all the things you have done wrong while they always managed to be the saint and chosen to 'bite their tongue' while poking your emotional centers to get a response; I am talking about those who drop bits and pieces of comment in social settings just to target you; I am talking about those who say 'it’s fine' about 1K times in a conversation, without being honest; I am talking about those who are holding onto a lot of past hurt, thus they try to feel better about it by constantly one-upping others; I am talking about those who constantly are both a saint and a victim.

Call it traumatized or abused... I don't care. I feel traumatized and abused by these passive aggressive bullies who play the victim and manipulate others to feel better about themselves.

Just either say what is on your mind, in an honest way, or not say at all...

Seriously, no one over the age of 10 should be behaving like this.

Please feel free to share if you can relate to this. How do you cope with these people? My only coping mechanism is to never and ever respond to the passive aggressive and let them drown in their silent aggression.

One of the options is to stay away from them
It’s never easy to deal with them, but keep in mind there are better ways to behave towards people and it happens that passive-aggressive people are not good enough at that
Best way to deal with it is literacy. If someone says they’re fine yet you feel it’s not true, give a “cool!” and move on, it’s their problem for lying, don’t make this your issue to figure it out

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

immature, manipulative and abusive individuals who love communicating indirectly and in a way for them to let off steam and aggressively 'put you in your place' while avoiding the conflict; I am talking about those who communicate via notes and messages because they do not have the strength or courage to deal with even the tiniest conflict; I am talking about those who keep a mental list of all the things you have done wrong while they always managed to be the saint and chosen to 'bite their tongue' while poking your emotional centers to get a response; I am talking about those who drop bits and pieces of comment in social settings just to target you; I am talking about those who say 'it’s fine' about 1K times in a conversation, without being honest; I am talking about those who are holding onto a lot of past hurt, thus they try to feel better about it by constantly one-upping others; I am talking about those who constantly are both a saint and a victim.

My only coping mechanism is to never and ever respond to the passive aggressive and let them drown in their silent aggression.

It sounds like this is someone at work? When I have encountered people like this at work and in my classroom, (and called them on it)--they lied their *ss** off! People without courage lie a lot. (Their lies would make me so angry!) They are unhappy and sow a lot of dischord. In the case of students like this, many times other students only told of their dirty deeds privately to me because they knew that confronting the troubled classmate would make them a target. Sometimes people are so troubled that involvement with them is a no win situation. If you can't stay away from them then you do have to walk on eggshells (be careful not to upset them--they are fearful and angry people. ) As Open Eyes says--don't feed them!

They are still upsetting to deal with though--encounters would make me anxious and I would spend a lot of time documenting their misdeeds. However, I can think of times when I found an ally who also noticed their behavior--I did not feel as powerless even if it was a situation where we had to deal with them everyday--knowing I had support from someone and getting confirmation that it wasn't me causing the problem made a world of difference--this is why it is so important that workplaces support people who work hard and are conscientious. Sometimes conscientious people need training but they do not sow dischord. There are people in this world that are angry and seem to want to make less powerful people feel badly or they will just use them...

Fall Dusk maybe this is me, I struggle with conflict and basically I am a coward. I try to negotiate my way around stressful interpersonal stuff but often fear I don't handle it well at all.

The best I can say is in my case I don't mean harm and I am trying my best - it may be true of some of these people too.

If these are people who you like and are important to you then sitting down and clearing the air may work. If they are just people you have to deal with because of work then idk maybe just focussing on your own reaction is best. They are unlikely to change their own reactions imo, with the exception of for those who really mean something to them. Even then the scope for improvement is limited by their own lack of recognition of them having a problem.

[seesaw]

I just can't even deal with passive aggressive behavior. If your my friend and you behave this way, I'll just start to distance myself. If I have to work with you and your this way, then I'll only communicate as necessary with you. I don't have time to deal with someone's anger issues or emotional immaturity.

--encounters would make me anxious and I would spend a lot of time documenting their misdeeds.

Looking back, knowing what I know now--sometimes I made things worse because (in the case of students) negative reinforcement verses positive can make things worse. They were angry, afraid, reactive (but disrupting the class). As a supervisor, I did get some people fired which got rid of the problem (It was an unpleasant process.) or the people changed their tune when you documented what they were doing. You don't have this kind of power over coworkers and it is best to stay away from them if you can. Whenever someone who worked for me or was in my class, asked to be moved (didn't want to sit by someone because they were disturbing them--I would try to accomodate them.

Also, looking back, when I wasn't supervisor, worrying about others behaviors was a losing proposition. When I worked in a call center, many times supervisors looked the other way when people had great sales numbers. They didn't want to know if someone was using illegal tactics (like signing a document for someone or hanging up on customers with problems) because their great sales were also bolstering their promotion opportunities. Really, it was on them to make sure people were being honest. I should have just worried about my own s##t and not everyone else's stuff. It wasn't my responsibility....You have to learn not to care about other's bad behavior or take enough drugs so that you no longer care or find another place to work!

[Open Eyes]

Well, unfortunately, a lot of people learn this behavior at an early age and they also witness this behavior pattern in how their parents interact. People in general don't like conflict and that's why this behavior pattern often works to someone's advantage. Actually, a child can learn very early how they can get their needs met by being passive aggressive the child walks into a toy store and sees something they want and learns if they throw a tantrum mom will give them something instead of having to deal with their whining and tantrums. Often this can result from how a person lacked nurturing and being heard so they had to find more creative ways to get their needs met too.

Call it traumatized or abused... I don't care. I feel traumatized and abused by these passive aggressive bullies who play the victim and manipulate others to feel better about themselves.

This is because this individual learned that in order to "feel" better about themselves they developed this behavior pattern often by witnessing this behavior pattern in their parents as well as how their parents interacted with them too.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, unfortunately, a lot of people learn this behavior at an early age and they also witness this behavior pattern in how their parents interact. People in general don't like conflict and that's why this behavior pattern often works to someone's advantage. Actually, a child can learn very early how they can get their needs met by being passive aggressive the child walks into a toy store and sees something they want and learns if they throw a tantrum mom will give them something instead of having to deal with their whining and tantrums. Often this can result from how a person lacked nurturing and being heard so they had to find more creative ways to get their needs met too.

This is because this individual learned that in order to "feel" better about themselves they developed this behavior pattern often by witnessing this behavior pattern in their parents as well as how their parents interacted with them too.

Throwing a tantrum is not being passive aggressive though. That's outright expressing your anger.

Passive aggression is expressing anger in a veiled, concealed way. It's being antagonistic in hostile but not directly so, it's indirect because the person is not able to openly express their feelings or deal with it by confronting the issue.

[Loose Screw x 2]

FallDuskTrain, I'm sorry that someone like this has targeted you. It must be plenty painful and frustrating to put up with. I found out in the last few months that I too am the passive agressive type and it stems from the ways in which I was made to feel growing up.
Feeling that way even as an adult can be extraordinarily difficult to overcome. People who at times feel powerless can't just get in someone else's face and say what is on their mind because they feel too inferior to do so.
They often feel like they have no right to be blunt or honest in a firm way so, they just let everyone run them down and then, in their anger and resentment start cooking up a way to get even.
It's sad and pathetic but, it is a part of their mental illness and trauma where they were constantly made to feel powerless and they are very angry and vengeful over that and often times project that anger onto anyone who reminds them of their abusers even in the least.
I also understand the frustrations of having to learn to understand someone whith a disability that I didn't really get at first either and as a result of that frustration and taking the wrong approach I ended up hurting that person. Because I calmed down and started reading to learn instead of reading to add to my already suspicious point of view I learned to be more considerate of what that person has been through and that they behave the way that they do as a direct result of their abuse.
Don't get me wrong though. When a person learns that they have a bad habbit or bad traits it is up to them to try to do something to correct it if they can but, it can be exceedingly difficult to do that for some people.
It's not as simple as eating a can of spinach and turning fearless and confident in a matter of seconds.
Passive aggressive people don't only feel inferior. They believe that they are inferior. It is a very powerless feeling and sooner or later it gets to be intolerable so, they start looking for a way to do something about it but, the way that they go about doing that only makes it worse and they end up digging a hole so deep that they can never climb out of it and the frustration of that just keeps adding and adding to their misery and makes them even worse. I'm still learning about this myself but, if you need any information on the behavior or what to look out for I would be glad to help.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Passive aggression is expressing anger in a veiled, concealed way. It's being antagonistic in hostile but not directly so, it's indirect because the person is not able to openly express their feelings or deal with it by confronting the issue.

You're right, seesaw. Here is a good example. Many many years ago a friend who actually turned out not to be my friend at all but, that's another story, came over to play video games.
He was playing a spaceship game and had gotten to Stage 3 and as we were talking he said something disrespectful to me and was not one to apologize for anything ever so, I decided that I would fix him so, I went down the hall to the fusebox and made up an excuse that I had to check the fuses and proceeded to start flipping switches off and back on until I'd turned off the video game and TV and acted surprised that that had happened and apologized for it but, I wasn't really sorry. He figured it out, got disgusted and left but, I did offer to get him back to Stage 3 as I had already mastered that game. But, that was just me trying to further cover my bad deed as an accident. I really don't know when I started behaving this way but, doing spiteful things for revenge does date back to when I was 3 or 4 years old. I used to throw my mom's hair curlers in the bath tub to piss her off when I was that young.
I still believe that it's about feeling powerless and inferior and so you start to believe that you have to get sneaky and crafty to try to gain the upper hand in a perceived conflict.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Loose Screw x 2

You're right, seesaw. Here is a good example. Many many years ago a friend who actually turned out not to be my friend at all but, that's another story, came over to play video games.
He was playing a spaceship game and had gotten to Stage 3 and as we were talking he said something disrespectful to me and was not one to apologize for anything ever so, I decided that I would fix him so, I went down the hall to the fusebox and made up an excuse that I had to check the fuses and proceeded to start flipping switches off and back on until I'd turned off the video game and TV and acted surprised that that had happened and apologized for it but, I wasn't really sorry. He figured it out, got disgusted and left but, I did offer to get him back to Stage 3 as I had already mastered that game. But, that was just me trying to further cover my bad deed as an accident. I really don't know when I started behaving this way but, doing spiteful things for revenge does date back to when I was 3 or 4 years old. I used to throw my mom's hair curlers in the bath tub to piss her off when I was that young.
I still believe that it's about feeling powerless and inferior and so you start to believe that you have to get sneaky and crafty to try to gain the upper hand in a perceived conflict.

I don't know about the powerless or inferior thing, because the people I've experienced it from seemed to think they were better than me, but yes, what you described is definitely passive aggressive!

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I don't know about the powerless or inferior thing, because the people I've experienced it from seemed to think they were better than me, but yes, what you described is definitely passive aggressive!

Sometimes inferior minded people behave like they're better because they pride themselves on finding ways to get their way. They see themselves as cunning warriors but, underneath it all they are scared little children.

I don't see myself as cunning nor do I get back at people in sneaky ways - I don't see myself as inferior or superior either. I just freak out over conflict and avoid it as much as possible. I can however harbour resentment and can have a hard time of letting go of that which is definitely not healthy.