[seesaw]

I'm just asking to know what to expect.

My new male friend talks about his kids a LOT. Every conversation. It doesn't bother me. They are a huge part of his life. He is a devoted dad. I think it's adorable. It actually tells me a lot about him listening to him tell me about his kids.

In a couple of conversations, he has mentioned future (like a few months from now) events and how we should all go together. My response has been I would love to if things progress...

Okay, so I have never dated anyone with kids. At what point should I expect to meet his kids? I don't want to meet them unless we're serious about each other and a potential future together. I would be very honored to meet them, but I'm just curious, like, at what point, how long exactly (in months or whatever) should I be thinking this might happen?

This is like more serious than the when to do it question, lol.

Seesaw

[eskielover]

I guess if were me, if there was something fun they were doing together & he thought yiu would enjoy doing it too....it is always nice to meet kids in a totally informal setting & let them get to know you in fun infirmal situations. Seems it would be much better than waiting until serious & & "Hi, this is going to be your new step mom" kind of setting.

Just a thought

[divine1966]

At least few months. 2? 3? 6? No specific time frame but Depends how serious you two are. I am not fan of dragging people to kids’ lives too early.

Meeting the kids is something more serious. Kids get attached. If a breakup occurs, it can be hard on the kids. I agree with Divine that waiting is best. How long depends on at what point the relationship turns more serious and seems to be long-term potential.

[MistressStayc]

I think it depends on some factors such as age and emotional maturity of his children. Also, it depends on how his ex feels about it. If it is clearly going to be something long term and serious maybe by 6 months I would say.

There is no reason they can't know about you at some point though to ease the possible meeting. Kiddo knows I have a boyfriend but that he won't meet him until I'm sure it is warranted...the only guy he has ever met was Phreak and he got quite attached (in his own way). I plan to avoid that again until I am sure this is going to be very long term

[healingme4me]

I also don't believe there's a set time frame. It might be longer for the primary custodial parent than the non custodial parent, just by virtue of the situation.

I do agree not until you feel that this is serious because the children deserve to not witness in and out individuals in their parents and their own lives.

[seesaw]

It's funny, y'all talk about the kids getting attached. I don't want to get attached to them if it's not serious. Lol.

[divine1966]

Some custody arrangements specify that no partners may stay over night with minor kids present (unless married or maybe engaged). I didn’t have such clause but I know people who had it. Mainly because exes kept having different men (or women) staying in the house (safety concern and do on). I am just bringing it up because many parents and the law consider bringing new partners in kids’ life a serious issue/big deal. Something to be aware of
.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seesaw

It's funny, y'all talk about the kids getting attached. I don't want to get attached to them if it's not serious. Lol.

It’s understandable. We, adults, do get attached. I just think people worry about minor kids’ well being ahead of adults’. You have to agree that damage to kids is greater. That’s why everyone talks about kids getting attached as a primary concern. As a parent my main concern would be that my kid (minor) might get harmed, not my grown up boyfriend.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Some custody arrangements specify that no partners may stay over night with minor kids present (unless married or maybe engaged). I didn’t have such clause but I know people who had it. Mainly because exes kept having different men (or women) staying in the house (safety concern and do on). I am just bringing it up because many parents and the law consider bringing new partners in kids’ life a serious issue/big deal. Something to be aware of
.

I don't think that is the case because the ex wife has a younger child with another man that she has since kicked to the curb. I'm pretty sure he lived with them.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I don't think that is the case because the ex wife has a younger child with another man that she has since kicked to the curb. I'm pretty sure he lived with them.

That clause i mentioned is quite uncommon in my experience. I am just saying that there might be ton of different dynamics going on. You only’ve met once. Might not know how it all works out yet

[~Christina]

Personally for me it was at least 6 months. Why ? Most people can have this great facade but after 6 months then usually they really are who they are and my daughter didnt need to see me dating a few guys.

My dating revolves around when my daughter was with her father. If a guy could not understand I could not drop everything and see him , he wasn’t worth my time.

My daughter at about age 10 said Mom go out have fun I just have no desire to meet anyone for a while.

So I knew I was doing the right thing for “ me” and Amanda.

Jmho

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Personally for me it was at least 6 months. Why ? Most people can have this great facade but after 6 months then usually they really are who they are and my daughter didnt need to see me dating a few guys.

My dating revolves around when my daughter was with her father. If a guy could not understand I could not drop everything and see him , he wasn’t worth my time.

My daughter at about age 10 said Mom go out have fun I just have no desire to meet anyone for a while.

So I knew I was doing the right thing for “ me” and Amanda.

Jmho

Same here. Either when was with her dad or visited grandma or was on sleepover. Even when they were introduced to my daughter, no men spent a night when my daughter was home. Of course when people decide to get engaged or married or at least permanently live together it’s dufferrnt, but when dating no one would be laying in my bed next door to my kid bedroom. And I am not a prude. I just don’t see any reason to involve kids in parenrs’ dating. Commitment is a different story

[scorpiosis37]

I would actually say a full year. I have had 2 long-term relationships with partners who had kids and meeting the kids too soon is a HUGE mistake. When it goes well and the relationship with the kids blossoms, it is excruciatingly painful if it doesn’t work out. It can also be very damaging for the children to meet “mom or dad’s new friend” every six months. If kids have been through it before, they can be incredibly hostile when meeting “the new one” because it’s disruptive to their lives and they feel like their parent is repeatedly choosing their dates over them. Or the kid could still be wishing their parents will get back together, and you can become enemy #1, no matter how wonderful you are. It’s just not healthy for the children to be introduced to each string of new people. And, if the kid and the partner don’t click, it can kill the relationship before it’s strong enough to stand a chance of surviving. It is much healthier for everyone to wait until it is very serious, probably about a year. I say this from my own experience as well as that of several friends. Just about everyone who brought the kids in early didn’t make it. Those who waited were MUCH more successful.

[seesaw]

Wow, tha k you, scorpiosis! That is sage wisdom indeed!

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I would actually say a full year. I have had 2 long-term relationships with partners who had kids and meeting the kids too soon is a HUGE mistake. When it goes well and the relationship with the kids blossoms, it is excruciatingly painful if it doesn’t work out. It can also be very damaging for the children to meet “mom or dad’s new friend” every six months. If kids have been through it before, they can be incredibly hostile when meeting “the new one” because it’s disruptive to their lives and they feel like their parent is repeatedly choosing their dates over them. Or the kid could still be wishing their parents will get back together, and you can become enemy #1, no matter how wonderful you are. It’s just not healthy for the children to be introduced to each string of new people. And, if the kid and the partner don’t click, it can kill the relationship before it’s strong enough to stand a chance of surviving. It is much healthier for everyone to wait until it is very serious, probably about a year. I say this from my own experience as well as that of several friends. Just about everyone who brought the kids in early didn’t make it. Those who waited were MUCH more successful.

[Erebos]

Meeting them is reliant on 2 things.
Are your in it for the long haul.?
Does their mum says it's okay?
Until the answer to both those is yes, don't do it.

[Erebos]

I waited nearly a year before introducing my fella to my kids. And now it's been two years he still only visits one day a week. And for now, that's plenty.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Erebos

Meeting them is reliant on 2 things.
Are your in it for the long haul.?
Does their mum says it's okay?
Until the answer to both those is yes, don't do it.

I would a third: Do the kids want to meet you?

To chime in again about kids getting attached. My ex I dated for two years, I met his daughter after 1 year, we started doing overnights together and a lot of kids' activities together, and when we broke up, she was very sad and upset. She said she was going to miss me. Six months later after our breakup, she still was saying that the front seat of the car was reserved for me. She was six years old at the time. Granted, she had just gone through a divorce, too. So, yeah, I think that waiting for a while is best, for as long as necessary until everyone is comfortable and you're sure the relationship is steady and strong, has a solid foundation and is going somewhere. I would say after "I love you" is said and you feel you could possibly marry the person.

[TishaBuv]

My mom was widowed and dated when I was 12. She started dating soon after my father died. Her dates picked her up at the house and I met them. Mostly, I made fun of them and thought they were weird and awful. I’d give them the thumbs down. She had a relationship with one guy that she was crazy about. She did not bring us together, but I had met him once, I think. She broke it off after months because she did not want to be the step-mother to his young son. I was sad about that. I thought the man was a good one and would have liked a baby brother. My mom used ME as the reason to break up with him because she said she didn’t want to make me the baby sitter to his kid.

When she started dating the man who she did marry, she brought him in, even moved him in, and they got engaged. She was remarried within a year of my dad dying.

Now, looking back, I realize a lot about my mother; disorders, etc...
But, as a young teen, I was fine with her behavior.

[lady411]

My DH and I went the completely unconventional way if most of the replies here were the conventional way. We introduced our daughters to each other only 2 weeks after dating. They were age 4 & 3. Something we had never done with anyone else. Then we got married 9 months later. Later I asked my DH why he wanted our kids to meet so early on and he said that he knew he wanted to marry me and he didn’t want his daughter getting the idea that I would not be around for long. Today we have our struggles as a blended family but we try to make it work best we could.
To the OP I would say everyone has a different timeline as when to introduce a significant other to their children. But one thing for sure is that it’s a very serious matter that should not be taken lightly.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by lady411

My DH and I went the completely unconventional way if most of the replies here were the conventional way. We introduced our daughters to each other only 2 weeks after dating. They were age 4 & 3. Something we had never done with anyone else. Then we got married 9 months later. Later I asked my DH why he wanted our kids to meet so early on and he said that he knew he wanted to marry me and he didn’t want his daughter getting the idea that I would not be around for long. Today we have our struggles as a blended family but we try to make it work best we could.
To the OP I would say everyone has a different timeline as when to introduce a significant other to their children. But one thing for sure is that it’s a very serious matter that should not be taken lightly.

Thank you for sharing!

Seesaw