How to get past extreme cruelty?

The thing about forgiving oneself, for me personally is to go back and give myself an honest assessment of myself for starters. (I'm looking back on some of my personal journal notes and toggling back here, for the record)
"I truly thought.....xyz....
"I truly believed...xyz...
"I believed they were meeting me in the same place...same plane...shared vision..goals, etc...

"What I realized....

"...not having my better interests...
"...didn't recognize it because....(that's where the trusting nature comes to play for me)...focus on their life/complaints/critiques/emotions...
"....bottled things up....

Sometimes life becomes convoluted. And sometimes the toxic nature of a relationship isn't blatantly obvious. Sometimes it's insidious. How were you supposed to immediately know it wasn't right for you? Aren't some relationships designed to run their course?
Sometimes it's not immediately clear. Sometimes it's downright confusing because the guy can be giving you warmth and attention and it seems like it's legit. And to an extent it is legit. At the same time, is it with what's best for Eve or what's best/or in it for them?

My thought isn't so much on why he'd say that causing you to believe the entire thing was a lie or a shame but is he perfectly incapable of fostering the depth and nurturing that has you in mind?

I like this approach..... very much. Thank you.

Some things were obvious in first few months that I should have paid greater attn. to --- stealing, being cruel to me once..... some doubts I had... I should have listened to my own doubts. But I cannot beat myself. up forever....

Definitely cannot beat yourself up forever. I did for several years after my first serious bf. And boy did I ever pay for not forgiving myself. Wound up with the marriage that I did have as a long term result.

You gave this ex way more than he deserved and that is what you need to finally recognize about that relationship.

First I want to wish you Seesaw well My take is you seem to be way overcritical about yourself We are all human and we make mistakes Thing to do is to learn from them Pleas don't be so hard on yourself. I too suffered an abusive, mostly verbal relationship Don't mean to compare. Only saying I can and do relate. Therapy helped me. I like reading the suggestions, insights of other members who posted here. I find them helpful reading different perspectives Hoping you received some benefits from the replies here too.

I’ve had cruel words flung at me like poo, words that cut to the core by an evil narcissist, used like throwing knives. I am trying now to not set myself up for that any more. No more relationships with those people. Find new, better quality people who don’t fling poo.

Exactly. What is wrong with us in the first place, to have gotten into relationships with these people???

1. My mother— couldn’t avoid that. She programmed me. Hello!

How’s your relationship with yours?

Yeah.... it was my father. He was emotionally abusive towards me and my sister. So guess what happened? We both got involved with abusive men! Go figure! My mom is fine, but she took his abuse when we were younger and never stood up to him, so I never learned how to respect my own boundaries and learned that abuse was acceptable.

There's nothing with us per se, we just got the raw end of the deal as kids. :/

Do you mimic your mother and take abuse, looking for men like your father?

My deal is I am mortified to hear my mother come out of my mouth to be verbally abusive to my husband. I vowed I would never be like her (such an abusive Narcissist), and I cannot help it when her anger and the way she thinks, it comes out of me. It repulses me so bad it makes me angry at myself and that is what triggers the Borderline behavior.

I did.. I used to mimic my mother's behavior & would accept the unacceptable, but I finally broke the abusive pattern I was in and now am in a far healthier relationship.


I am very sorry for what you experience --- can you stop yourself every time you start to hear your mother creep in?

I have to divorce the husband. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be with another man. I can only wonder if a different man would not trigger me like this one did. The mother will be kept at a manageable distance and I won’t abandon her. I’ll at least tip toe trying to stay on the periphery. Even though she’s hugely triggering because she takes jabs at me. And the toxic friend will probably be able to be kept at a safe distance if I can control my reaction when she verbally attacks me, which she can’t control herself to not do. I really shouldn’t have a friend like this. I’m not going to call her.

I’m glad you feel that this new relationship is healthy and these behaviors are not happening. I’d love for that to be the case for me too.