[Heartbreakincarnate]

After a year together he wanted to split up, but it only lasted a few months. We've been together for 13 years now. But since the initial split, I've been insecure about our relationship. Some years later he'd turn down my sexual advances and occasionally stay out all night leaving me wondering where he was, which only intensified my insecurity. We didn't talk about these issues for a long time, but when we did he said he was depressed at the time and he started letting me know where he was going and with who. I felt a little better, but I still felt insecure because while he wasn't turning me down when I wanted to be intimate he still didn't pursue me. He remains adamant to this day that he never cheated on me, but I don't know if I can believe him.

A year ago I was snooping on his phone and I saw he had been looking at nude photos of my sister on a local artist's website from a shoot she did and porn websites after. When I confronted him he said that her ex who was still his friend had been angry at her and showed him the website and password. Then he tried to lie about why he was looking and said it was the only time he had done it. I tried to act like everything was okay, but I just felt like he was lying. He has since admitted he looked at them five times before I found out. I didn't think he would do something like this. He says he just thought she was hot and didn't think about how it would affect me at all, but I know he must have known how wrong it was.

He claims to be remorseful and keeps saying how he really messed up. We've been talking about it, but I don't know what to do. He claims to love me more than anything, but how could he do that if that were true? It just feels so creepy to me, and I feel like he must think I'm absolutely worthless. I don't know how we can work through this. I love him so much and feel stupid for not wanting to leave him after the way he disrespected me and my sister. Do you think it's even possible to work through this? What can we possibly do that would help?

[Erebos]

Honestly sometimes guys genuinely don't think. I mean sometimes people just don't think. But in this instance I think he is probably telling the truth when he said he didn't consider how you would feel about it.

Although, is that better or worse?

Thing is you know what he did so the balls in your court, either you accept his version of events, let it go and move on. Possibly with couple counselling.
Or
You don't believe him separate for a while, get your head sorted then decide what to do.(Again possibly with mediation or counselling.)

Or you don't believe him, stay with him. bring it up every time you have a fight and use it as a sh*tty stick to beat him with, making you both miserable.
Or
Never speak of it again and continue as things are.

Hope you manage to find a way to sort through things. Best of luck.

So he initially lied to you about it -- then later admitted that he thought she was hot & looked five times....

What also sticks out to me is that he looked at porn right after --- so was he turned on by your sister and then had to, well you know, pleasure himself after looking at her photos?!? It's the unthinkable.... but that's what comes to mind through your story. EW.

Can you ask him more questions about it? Problem is, it was a year ago that this happened.

Personally, I would have a very hard time if my long-term boyfriend was looking at nudes of my sister, thinking she was hot and possibly getting turned on by them. He didn't need to go into the website at all since it was password protected, so clearly he was curious. AND the fact that he looked five times??

I don't know, my dear. The ball is in your court. I could never get past something like that myself. He did disrespect both you and your sister. I know my own boyfriend would never do such a thing to me, and he says he loves me more than anything.

And then there's the fact that you don't fully trust him to begin with.... it's the lack of trust that made you want to go into his phone. And rejecting you sexually? This doesn't sound like it's going in the right direction.

Erebos laid out some options for you, which I think are helpful. Perhaps couples counseling would help you to decide whether you can move forward or not.

[divine1966]

Ouch. Looking at naked pics is questionable as it is (but perhaps things like this do happen) but sister hmm I don’t have a sister but I have grown up daughter and niece and sister in law (brother’s wife).

If my husband looked at their naked pics (if hypothetically they had naked pics of them for bizarre reasons), I’d be done with him. What a betrayal!

I’d also feel for their safety, if they stay at my house would he sneak around trying to see them naked? Heck no. Your guy isn’t to be trusted

[Shazerac]

I hate to sound harsh but you have 2 options 1) stay and continue to feel insecure while he does ridiculous things and makes up even more ridiculous stories to excuse his behavior. Or 2) begin to make plans to separate yourself from this man.

Perhaps couples counseling could help but it probably to little to late at this point.

[TishaBuv]

The part that bothers me the most is how he turns you down sexually. Who wants a relationship like that? Checking out your hot, nude sister adds insult to injury.

[Bill3]

If him looking at your naked sister five times isn't enough to end this relationship, what do you think it would take for you to end the relationship?

[graystreet]

I don't personally take issue with porn, it's the turning you down and looking at your sister I take issue with. And, instead of saying, "I majorly effed up. I was wrong," right away, he made up two excuses that were both, in some way, lies.

What strikes me is his being out all night and not telling you where he's been. Honestly, where does a person go when they are out all night? How long are bars open in your area? Does he have friends he'd be staying with? If so, why?

Things don't add up, and he's being incredibly shady about both things.

I ask the same question as Bill3: If these two things are not enough for you to end the relationship, what will be enough? What will have had to happen before you can't take anymore?