[120599]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. he has only recently told me that he's been feeling as though the 'spark' has gone between us, and he's not sure whether he wants a relationship. he has been really distant, i.e. he never really wants to see me, we hardly have sex anymore. it's really been having an affect on me knowing that he may not want to be with me anymore.
we decided to go on a break to see how he feels without me for a couple of weeks. I'm finding it hard to cope, we were together and happy and now all of a sudden he's gone for a while. if he decided he doesn't want to be with me at the end of this break, I don't know what I will do.
we are both young, and I feel that he just wants to be single and to do what he wants without feeling as though I'm there not allowing him to do whatever he wants. but he says that he doesn't want to be single and without me either.
I really don't know what to do about this.

thank you for any comments

[Skeezyks]

Hello 120599: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this difficult situation. I don't know as there is a lot I can offer in terms of advice or suggestions. It seems to me, from what you wrote, there's not much you can do other than to wait & see what your bf decides (assuming you don't want to strike first & call it quits yourself.)

I do think personally that, at some point, simply hanging out waiting for your bf to make up his mind really is not the best idea. There is a point at which it becomes disrespectful of you & your feelings. From that perspective this becomes a matter of personal boundaries. I assume you perhaps don't want to "drop the bomb" at this point & tell him to make up his mind one way or another. But I think, if this situation goes on for too long, there comes a point where this may be what you will need to do for your own mental health. (Hopefully your bf won't put you in that position.)

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some help with figuring out how to proceed here:

Recovering Your Life After Breaking Up

Healing from Rejection | The Recovery Expert

12 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart

What Are Healthy Boundaries and Why Do I Need Them? | Happily Imperfect

Why Healthy Relationships Always Have Boundaries & How to Set Boundaries in Yours

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

My best wishes to you...

[Bill3]

but he says that he doesn't want to be single and without me either

I agree with Skeezyks. Right now he seems to be keeping you away but also on a string. It must be a torment to face the reality of how disconnected he is from you, yet also to be given this glimmer of hope when he says that he does not want to be single. I think it would be valid and healthy for you to limit how long you are willing to stay in this situation.

if he decided he doesn't want to be with me at the end of this break, I don't know what I will do

What would be your thinking about making the break yourself, very soon, if his conduct continues as it is but he won't make the break? Stopping all contact with him: blocking him, unfriending him, and so on will be painful at first but, like quickly removing a bandage, likely offers the best chance of minimising your overall pain and, in due course, of allowing you to bring your life into a new and healthier path.

I'm very sorry that you are experiencing such pain.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by 120599

I feel that he just wants to be single and to do what he wants without feeling as though I'm there not allowing him to do whatever he wants. but he says

Welcome to PC.

I clipped your expressed gut feeling because actions do speak louder than words.

I know that when I've experienced similar feelings, the feelings led to feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Both Skeezyks and Bill raised some very valid points and very wise ones at that.

At some point it's your feelings that are being disrespected. And it's a torment to feel the disconnect but being given hope via words. Words that ring hollow over time.

Listen to your hunches. It's not easy to go through heartache, not even remotely close to easy. Consider the patterns it creates if and when and if, again he comes crawling back.

Don't forget whose feelings are being overshadowed through all of this. I mean instead of overcoming a life hurdle together, he's fled and left you mending your heart.

[*Laurie*]

I am so sorry. Going through such pain with a relationship is just miserable and I really feel for you. Sometimes when someone wants out of a relationship it's because they've met someone else they're interested in. Could that be possible with regard to your bf?

[120599]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I am so sorry. Going through such pain with a relationship is just miserable and I really feel for you. Sometimes when someone wants out of a relationship it's because they've met someone else they're interested in. Could that be possible with regard to your bf?

Hi, I have sort of considered this because he just got home from a holiday with his friends, but I do really trust him in that sense. I can't help myself thinking about every single possible reason why he has come out to say this now. he said He's been feeling like this for months, but why has he only said it now?

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. I don't think he would have met someone, but when I'm home on my own thinking about everything it can't help but cross my mind.

thank you

[WishfulThinker66]

I wasn't able to gather if you are life partners and live together. Gosh, if you were I imagine this is all the more difficult.

I asked another person in another thread how they felt their relationship was an enrichment of their life. Have you considered this same question?

You indicated you and he were 'young' and that he might be wishing to live a 'young' life with his friends so I question what exactly are the nature of his friendships? Are these chums of his single? Maybe it is the spontinaeity he is yearning for? Is it possible for him to find room for that (reasonably) within the relationship? If this need though crosses your boundaries then too you need to consider that question.

[TishaBuv]

I recommend you tell him to take a break from each other and sow your oats. Break it off. Give yourself freedom to date others and give him the freedom he thinks he wants.

He may come running back to you, jealous of the possibility of losing you. He may not come back at all.

But you will have released yourself. And if he comes back to you, sure that he can’t live without you, then you have the deep, true love that you are longing for.

You deserve that and not to be his back up plan or settled for.