[Intromini]

Hello,

I am 25 years old and live at home with my mother. After graduating from my undergrad studies I had trouble finding work and had to move back in due to financial issues. I continued to look for jobs pertaining to my field and, in the meantime, work a part-time/full-time job. I pay for what I can afford (dental, car, phone, etc.) I work part-time now (looking for FT) and, being a couple years with no luck finding a job in my career field, I decided to go back to school to get my education degree. Since this program was offered close to home and I already had a job I felt the best place to stay was at home for financial benefit (and due to the fact that I do not have enough money to move out). I have about a year and a half left on my educational degree but living at home is taking a toll on my mental health.

My mother is 49, single mother of two (25yr old, 19yr old) and works a full-time job. Our finances are tight and she is often tired 90% of the time. My mother struggles with anxiety and depression (as do I) and is also going through menopause. I try to take these aspects into consideration when referencing this subject.

My main issue is "Not Doing Enough". Since I live at home rent free it is reasonable to expect my mother to want me to help around the house. Hell, even if I did pay rent it should be assumed that I do so. We are sharing a house, I am an adult, and I should be responsible for household work. Helping around the house is not the issue, it is the fact that it never seems to be enough.

After moving away to college I established certain standards for myself; how I wash dishes, clothes, clean house, etc. I also established independence and freedom of choice, so moving back in with my mother and trying to adjust has been difficult. Still I try to accommodate her by doing things her way but it still seems to fall short.

Here are some examples:

1. Washing Clothes: My mom often complained of doing the laundry on a regular basis, so I offered to to the clothes sometimes. The first time I washed she said the clothes were too wrinkled, so I said next time I would take them out of the dryer and properly hang them. I followed up with this, and she said the clothes were still too wrinkled and that she takes the clothes out of the dryer prior to the buzzard going off so the clothes are still hot and wrinkle free. I am a little annoyed at this, but regardless I say OK and start setting timers to get the clothes out on time. Then, once when I was helping fold clothes, she informed me I was folding the clothes the wrong way. ( I worked in a factory where all I did was fold garments and package them, so it wasn't as if I was just recklessly folding.). She said the way I was folding caused wrinkles, and that I also fold towels wrong, in which she proceeded to take the towel from me and show me how to properly fold the towel. After all this I still washed clothes but when I went to wash one week my mother told me "not to worry" about washing the clothes anymore, that she would take care of it so that the clothes are not wrinkled. So I said ok and apologized for not doing them correctly, then I offered just to do my clothes (that way she didn't have so much to wash) but she said that would just waste water. So I no longer wash clothes.

2. Washing Dishes: I do this chore the most since laundry is no longer an option for me. I like to wash dishes when she is not around because she has a particular way of washing dishes and, if she sees me not doing it the way she likes, she will point it out. When I am off-work I will wash dishes and usually end up doing them once or twice a week (depending on how many we have). However, regardless of how often I do them it really doesn't matter. If they are not done when she feels they should be it results in me being fussed at or talked about behind my back. (EX: My family recently took a trip to WV for 5days. I could not go due to work but I did not mind. I stayed home and looked after the 10 animals (we were fostering at the time) and maintained the house while I worked. Once they returned from their trip I had a few days off coming up so I wanted to go see my friend. There were a few dishes left in the sink before I left that I did not wash but I made sure the house was tidy before I left. Later that week I found out, via my sister, that mom was irritated I left the house without washing them.)

These are just a few examples, but my point that I am trying to get at is that regardless if I do help or if I don't it still achieves the same result. In the beginning, I felt like I was going to rip my hair out. My mom would constantly state "you could help out more, you could do more,you could help out more, you could do more" AH! It was like a broken record. I tried everything to communicate with her. To try and figure out what would make this work. I started writing-in house hold to-do list in my college planner so I would make sure not to forget. Still, she would utter the phrase "you could do more." I tried voicing how it made me feel, I tried putting myself in her shoes "was I really not doing enough???", I tried arguing my point. These confrontations were almost on a daily basis, until eventually my mother backed off and stopped saying things like "you could do more." Her reasoning wasn't that I was meeting her expectations though, it was more of a "I am not getting the results I want by nagging her, so Ill just stop." So, essentially I still never *pleased* my mother when it comes to helping around the house. (which results in the "behind-my-back" comments as stated earlier). Regardless, I still do chores around the house and try to do the best I can.... but the "you could do more" never really goes away and in-turn I end up feeling useless.

Where I struggle with depression and anxiety I have a terrible guilty conscience. My sister (19yrs old) is not affected by what Mom says and, as a result, my sister doesn't care if the house is clean or not; Because Mom knows she cannot get anywhere with my younger sister by making those kinds of remarks/actions she diverts them to me. My mom has told me before, to my face; "I do not bother with her [my sister] because she will not do it anyway, she doesn't care but you do." .... which kind of hurt. If you know I feel inherently guilty why would you say that?

I have been fighting my depression really hard lately. I have seen a psychiatrist and I am on medication for Major Anxiety and Minor Depression. I am also planning to go talk to a counselor very soon. I feel so useless and the idea of "disappearing" seems so blissful. I am 25 and live at home, I cannot finically support my eduction/self so I am constantly borrowing money (I pay it back but still), I do not do enough for my mom, I have a degree yet I work PT at a grocery store doing a job that is monotonous and pointless, and I am really not doing anything that benefits/contributes to society. I just see myself as a burden to everyone... and then I get sad and have pitty parties and that just makes me feel more pathetic because I sit there and feel sorry for myself and then, people like my mom, have to deal with it. It is just so exhausting and I feel like I am being eat up by guilt.

I love my mom, she is a hard-worker, strong-willed, and independent. She has taught me so many lessons and provided me with so much that I am grateful for. I always tell her thank you and I love you. Clearly she is not the main contributor to my mental health (as I have other things weighing on me as well). I just wish I was doing enough, or felt justified in saying that I am doing enough. Like I said, I have no issue carrying my weight, but being told "you could do more" just really gets to me.

Thanks for reading! Congrats if you made it all the way to the end. I just really needed a place to vent since this issue just recently reoccured. Any advice or input is welcome. Thank you ~

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I don't know as there is much of anything I could offer in the way of advice or suggestions. (I was glad to read you'll be seeing counselor soon. Hopefully that will help.) I mostly just wanted to let you know I read your post... & I wish you well...

I’m about your mom’s age. It sounds like she’s just frustrated and tired and it might not really be about you as much as you think it is. It’s nice that you’re helping out and surely she really does appreciate that. I assume you contribute financially to the best of your ability. I remember how hard it was just starting out. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know how I would ever make it. But I did. I’m sure you will find a good job and be able to move out and hopefully the relationship with your mom will mend itself. I wish all the best for both you and your mom.

[Chyialee]

First of all ~ e-hugs for your distress. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this!
Believe me, I know the feeling -- from both sides. My late Grandmother was the pickiest, most persnickety, fussiest person on earth when it came to 'how things must be done(or the world would cave in, was the implication!) arrgh. This woman, the mother of 8 children of whom my mamma was eldest, IRONED SOX & UNDERWEAR!! Yikes. Also dishcloths and face-cloths. Because it "made them softer". Holycrow...
No one could do it to suit, no matter what. And as I've grown older, I've come to se that there are things that are important to us individually, according to our natures. My laundry must be done a certain way --- therefore I never let my late husband nor offspring touch my things. lol

OTOH I hated and still despise vacuuming, so my late husband did, and now my fiancé does, that chore. He, OTOH, wouldn't even notice dust unless it grew to a landslide depth and buried him... so that's my thang.
I reckon what I'm trying to say is, it can be hard to reach a point of understanding where each of you are able to make some concessions: The point, after all, is to have a comfortable and manageable life, right?
I hope you and your mother are able to sit down and discuss your feelings and concerns. Believe me, she doesn't want to feel harried and upset any more than you do -- although she may have a hard time admitting this, I don't know.
Personally, I think you're doing marvelously - you've no idea the number of families I know who have adult children living with them, who are neither working, attending uni/studying, nor making the slightest effort to be helpful in the home. Well done! (even tho I know it probably doesn't feel that way atm. ). And aggravating as it can be for you there is this: It's temporary, right?

Hang in there.

Best,
Chyia, BTDT brigade