[Mr08353]

I’m blessed more than probably the average person and have been married to the same woman for 25 years, whom I still love very much. We have 2 beautiful kids that are both away and in college.
My issue is that I am constantly wanting to be alone.
If I arrive at the house first and am by myself, I’m not really looking forward to my wife coming home, because then I have to meet some of her needs as well.
I simply don’t want the responsibility of marriage anymore and want to take care of myself and not have to meet anybody else’s needs.

Is this normal?
If so, is it something temporary that will go away?
Should I fight it and remain in the marriage for the sake of our kids?

[healingme4me]

I just wanted to welcome you to PC.

Craving solitude to an extent is a common need for many. I'm not sure how that translates into divorce, but I'm sure there's much, much more beneath the surface for wanting to?

[Mr08353]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I just wanted to welcome you to PC.

Craving solitude to an extent is a common need for many. I'm not sure how that translates into divorce, but I'm sure there's much, much more beneath the surface for wanting to?

Not sure what else could be below the surface.
I am admittedly an introvert. And have been all my life.
Very independent as well as my wife.
With both of our kids away at college, we really don’t need each other anymore and like you said, I’m simply “craving solitude”.
Is it something that is considered normal and may go away, or should I leave and risk being happy alone?

[ArchieAus]

Hi
Not sure of your age and taking a wild swing at this , but you maybe entering or going through a transitional period of your life . For myself I entered on at the age of 48 and I just feel I am getting out the back end of it now at 53 . I won't say getting back to normal , because the evolution results in change in your thinking . It's a bit of a painful struggle I have to say , but although the jokes of having an affair or going and buying a red Ferrari with the stereotyped "mid life crisis" are not that accurate for most . There are many of us that go through an adjustment . I also found that for the first time in my life I began to contemplate what I might want , instead of always thinking what everyone else might want before my own interests . I think this stuff all comes to a head because of many factors , not just one thing . But your not alone in your thinking if this is the reason why you feel this way . You have to dig through the emotions and decide what is good and worth keeping in your life , then fight your inner demons to keep those things . If you do then your relationship may actually become even stronger . It may not be a bad thing to gently discuss your struggles . I hesitated to do that as it was always my job to be the rock in the storm . I found by actually saying I was struggling my partner really stepped up and helped me through a tough mental period . It made that process bearable and I feel I have come out the other side of the storm a better person .
Or you may just like being on your own

[Skeezyks]

Hello Mr: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you find yourself to be struggling with this dilemma. You didn't mention how old you are. I presume perhaps in your late 40's or 50's? I'm 70! My wife & I have been married for 39 years. (Her accomplishment, not mine.) We're both retired now. My wife has a few casual friends. But I lead an almost thoroughly solitary life at this point. And, like you, when my wife is out, I don't look forward to her coming home because I really just prefer to be alone. I have no plans to do it... but I often fantisize about living completely & totally alone. (Perhaps if I actually did it I wouldn't like it. But the fantasy sure is alluring.)

You asked if this is normal. I can't say if it's normal since I basically don't know anybody. I would suspect, though, that it may be tied somewhat to depression plus that old bug-a-boo the mid-life crisis. Is it something temporary that will go away? I don't know. I've felt the way I feel for a long time. So it has never gone away for me. I've simply chosen not to act on it. I suspect this is something that varies from person to person.

Should you fight it for the sake of your kids? Well... my wife & I don't have kids. So I can't speak to that from personal experience. However my inclination would be to say that whatever you decide to do should be based on what you & your wife (hopefully) decide is best for the two of you. Your kids are both away & in college. And even though you & your wife separating would likely affect them my personal feeling is, at this point, what you & your wife do is between the two of you & should be based on what the two of you agree to not what you presume your kids might prefer. I think this all might be something that would be worth talking through at some length with a mental health therapist. It's a complex situation.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on related topics that may be of interest:

Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer

The Differences in Divorce for Men and Women

When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't

The Psychological Impact of Divorce on Adult Children

The Male Midlife Crisis

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-m...actical-guide/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/midlife...-and-families/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/giving-...second-chance/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/revivin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...-is-different/

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/depression-quiz/

My best wishes to you & your family...

[Mr08353]

Originally Posted by ArchieAus

Hi
Not sure of your age and taking a wild swing at this , but you maybe entering or going through a transitional period of your life . For myself I entered on at the age of 48 and I just feel I am getting out the back end of it now at 53 . I won't say getting back to normal , because the evolution results in change in your thinking . It's a bit of a painful struggle I have to say , but although the jokes of having an affair or going and buying a red Ferrari with the stereotyped "mid life crisis" are not that accurate for most . There are many of us that go through an adjustment . I also found that for the first time in my life I began to contemplate what I might want , instead of always thinking what everyone else might want before my own interests . I think this stuff all comes to a head because of many factors , not just one thing . But your not alone in your thinking if this is the reason why you feel this way . You have to dig through the emotions and decide what is good and worth keeping in your life , then fight your inner demons to keep those things . If you do then your relationship may actually become even stronger . It may not be a bad thing to gently discuss your struggles . I hesitated to do that as it was always my job to be the rock in the storm . I found by actually saying I was struggling my partner really stepped up and helped me through a tough mental period . It made that process bearable and I feel I have come out the other side of the storm a better person .
Or you may just like being on your own

Thank you sir for responding. I am 49.

Have you talked to your wife about this? Maybe she will be understanding. How long have you been feeling this way?

[eskielover]

Does it bother your wife that you want alone time? Do you ONLY want alone time ALL the time or are you ok having time for your wife too.

Having grown up as an only child I needed a lot of alone time in my marriage.....but then again I got really tired of fighting with him when I was around him so my ONLY peaceful time was my alone time.

We ALL need alone time.....but it is good to know exactly what is involved in your feelings.