[ohmydaisy]

I don't know where to begin. My partner and I have been pretty open with with our past and the things we've gone through. I wouldn't change that for anything. I've known about his fiancé (passed away 5 or 6 years ago) a couple months into dating (we're at a little over a year now). I've been empathetic when he talked about her and quiet when he'd compare us in indirect ways. I honestly can't imagine what that's like, but we've both lost people in our lives, and there's a thread of understanding through our grief.

It was the death anniversary of his fiancé last week. I don't know what changed but I felt very uneasy hearing about it. He mentioned that he thought of all the good times he had with her, which he said was something he's never done before and felt confused. He said that having his love and care for her conflicted with his love for me, that it felt like he wasn't being true to me. I didn't know what to say to that. He felt guilt for what he felt.

In conversation, I've suggested he take the weekend to himself and in the future, I could go away for a couple of days during this time. He mentioned that he didn't need a whole day, just a little part of the day. I said that it wouldn't be a problem and we both can get some alone time. He almost got a little upset. I told him that as much as I think he needs the day to be able to have his feelings without feeling guilty, I needed the day as well.

I don't know how to be with all of this. I'm being as supportive as I can, but I have my feelings about this too. As much as I feel for him, I don't matter when it comes to this. I come second. As much as I understand, the feeling of being second doesn't feel great. As horrible as that sounds. I think this is where my insecurities and avoidant attachment style kicks in and I want some distance. Because it hurts a little.

Has anyone been in a relationship/marriage with someone that lost a partner? How do you deal with that? I feel the need to be away on this day, but is that not being supportive?

I haven't been in that kind of situation myself, but it sounds like he is still healing from and getting over the loss, which is understandable, but harder on you and the relationship. I couldn't help but feel hurt too, if I were you. You shouldn't have to come second, imo. He needs to put that relationship in its rightful place -- honoring her passing of course and who she was, but also honoring you and the present relationship. It's a tough situation....
I don't know what to suggest. I am sorry I am not being helpful. I hope others have some helpful input and/or experience with this.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think he's still trying to process the loss. I'm sorry if you're feeling left out, but I'm glad you're offering support in the way you can. I'm sure he's noticing this.

[Bill3]

People grieve in their own ways and on their own timetable. Still, five or six years is a long time for the intensity of grief that he seems to be experiencing. I wonder if he would consider seeing a grief therapist, even if only for the time of year around the anniversary of the death of his fiancée.

His reaction to the anniversary puts you in a very tough position. I’m really sorry for that. It is asking a lot to try to be supportive at the very moment that you are being told that you are second. I’m glad that you are speaking about it here.

Have you enough people to speak to about your feelings, taking into consideration online support and IRL support? If not, my suggestion would be to see if you can arrange for more support during this very difficult time of year.

(((((ohmydaisy)))))

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by Bill3

People grieve in their own ways and on their own timetable. Still, five or six years is a long time for the intensity of grief that he seems to be experiencing. I wonder if he would consider seeing a grief therapist, even if only for the time of year around the anniversary of the death of his fiancée.

His reaction to the anniversary puts you in a very tough position. I’m really sorry for that. It is asking a lot to try to be supportive at the very moment that you are being told that you are second. I’m glad that you are speaking about it here.

Have you enough people to speak to about your feelings, taking into consideration online support and IRL support? If not, my suggestion would be to see if you can arrange for more support during this very difficult time of year.

(((((ohmydaisy)))))

He's had his years in therapy and supposedly already worked through them. Although, you may be right about how he may need it again.

The few people that I've talked to, one being a close friend of mine, have told me that I don't get to feel the way that I do because it has nothing to do with me. Which I don't whole-heartedly agree with. His grief of his fiancé does affect me. So I've questioned if I was being selfish or inconsiderate.

I don't have many friends that I'd feel comfortable enough to talk about this with and was wondering if the community has had similar experiences or could offer some sort of advice.

[Bill3]

You DO get to feel the way you do.

It DOES have to do with you.

You are NOT selfish. You are NOT inconsiderate.

(((((ohmydaisy)))))

My advice, besides what you are doing here, would be to look for someone to speak with. A therapist is an idea, a telephone listening line, an online therapeutic site such as 7 Cups. I favor you looking around until you are satisfied with the support that you are getting.

Originally Posted by Bill3

You DO get to feel the way you do.

It DOES have to do with you.

You are NOT selfish. You are NOT inconsiderate.

(((((ohmydaisy)))))

My advice, besides what you are doing here, would be to look for someone to speak with. A therapist is an idea, a telephone listening line, an online therapeutic site such as 7 Cups. I favor you looking around until you are satisfied with the support that you are getting.

I wholeheartedly agree with Bill, Ohmydaisy.

You are not selfish or inconsiderate and this is about you, too. Keep reaching out for support where you are comfortable and feel safe.

[unaluna]

I think you are entitled to call him on his bullpuckey, which is what i think this is. My first h gave me a big song and dance about his first gf who died. When i mentioned it much later to my MIL, she was like, what, they never even dated?!

So maybe my judgment is a little jaded from that. But it seems like, he wanted to mope all day, and maybe have you wait on him hand and foot. Then when you said, have your space, i need some too - oh, then all of a sudden he wants to control what youre doing that day?

Or maybe he thought he was going to reminisce with some of her old gfs and was gonna keep you for later in case nothing panned out? 6 year deathaversary - hes acting like a teenage girl, imo.

Boy, im cranky today, sorry!

Originally Posted by ohmydaisy

H
The few people that I've talked to, one being a close friend of mine, have told me that I don't get to feel the way that I do because it has nothing to do with me. Which I don't whole-heartedly agree with. His grief of his fiancé does affect me. So I've questioned if I was being selfish or inconsiderate.

You are definitely not selfish and it DOES have to do with you. Honestly? He should be far more considerate than to walk down memory lane about her, his former fiance, when he has you in his arms and life for the last year. That is not fair. I think you have every right to be upset and to feel a bit hurt. And 5 or 6 years ago is a long time ago. Sure, a death is naturally extremely tragic and very hard to get over.. it can take years, yes, but he has you now and needs to be respectful and aware of how this may make you feel. So don't question your own feelings -- you have a right to how you feel.

[Deejay14]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

You are definitely not selfish and it DOES have to do with you. Honestly? He should be far more considerate than to walk down memory lane about her, his former fiance, when he has you in his arms and life for the last year. That is not fair. I think you have every right to be upset and to feel a bit hurt. And 5 or 6 years ago is a long time ago. Sure, a death is naturally extremely tragic and very hard to get over.. it can take years, yes, but he has you now and needs to be respectful and aware of how this may make you feel. So don't question your own feelings -- you have a right to how you feel.

Absolutely Golden! 100% agree with you. Well stated.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think you are entitled to call him on his bullpuckey, which is what i think this is. My first h gave me a big song and dance about his first gf who died. When i mentioned it much later to my MIL, she was like, what, they never even dated?!

So maybe my judgment is a little jaded from that. But it seems like, he wanted to mope all day, and maybe have you wait on him hand and foot. Then when you said, have your space, i need some too - oh, then all of a sudden he wants to control what youre doing that day?

Or maybe he thought he was going to reminisce with some of her old gfs and was gonna keep you for later in case nothing panned out? 6 year deathaversary - hes acting like a teenage girl, imo.

Boy, im cranky today, sorry!

I appreciate your sentiment because I haven't allowed myself to feel this completely.

He got engaged at a young age and the relationship was supposedly very turbulent. He was working on himself to be better for her and had to push her away. During this time, she OD'ed and he never got to express how he felt and what he had planned for them. There is immense guilt that's attached with this whole thing for him. He feels responsible in some way that all of this happened.

I have empathy for what he went through. I have similar guilt with having lost my brother 2 years ago. I never got to reconcile with my brother, assuming I had more time. So, I have compassion for most of this and will listen to him when he needs to talk about her.

He and I have been pretty transparent with one another, sometimes to a point of discomfort. So I don't believe he's blowing smoke up my butt. I'm just having a bit more difficult time in showing compassion with the most recent conversation about all of this.

I'm sorry that this post hit a nerve for you and your experience. How did you handle it?

[unaluna]

(((Ohmydaisy))) thanks. Sorry, i would answer differently based on ages. Of course hes acting like a teenager, he basically was when it happened my bad.

But old wounds i dont think are really the best thing to build a relationship on. I dont know if thats what you two are doing - that is what i did when i was young. Somebody had a sad story and i just wanted to make their life better. It was not a good way to go.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by unaluna

(((Ohmydaisy))) thanks. Sorry, i would answer differently based on ages. Of course hes acting like a teenager, he basically was when it happened my bad.

But old wounds i dont think are really the best thing to build a relationship on. I dont know if thats what you two are doing - that is what i did when i was young. Somebody had a sad story and i just wanted to make their life better. It was not a good way to go.

I'm 32 and he's 28.

I wouldn't say that we're building a relationship on old wounds.. although we both have old wounds that are there in the background somewhere haha.

I'm slowly realizing that it's not my job to fix someone, that is entirely up to them. I can offer my shoulder and advice if they want it, but I can't change them and what they do. I just don't know how to handle this situation and am doing my best by listening and suggesting time apart on this day. If there was something else that I could do to make myself feel less crappy about it, I'd be willing to hear it. Or if there was someone in the community that is in a similar situation, what advice they could offer.

[lizardlady]

In your first post you said....

It was the death anniversary of his fiancé last week. I don't know what changed but I felt very uneasy hearing about it. He mentioned that he thought of all the good times he had with her, which he said was something he's never done before and felt confused. He said that having his love and care for her conflicted with his love for me, that it felt like he wasn't being true to me. I didn't know what to say to that. He felt guilt for what he felt.

This doesn't sound to me like you are coming in second for him. It sounds like he is conflicted and feels that his grief for his fiance is not fair to you.

As for 5 or 6 years being too long for him to still have this depth of grief... My husband was killed 18 years ago. I still feel crappy around the anniversary. My mom died almost 9 years ago. Her anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It still hurts. I've talked with my pdoc about whether this is unhealthy. It's not.

Has your partner been in a significant relationship since his fiance's death? If not, it could be that he is trying to sort out how to manage his grief at the same time he loves you. That could lead to some conflicting feelings for lots of people.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

In your first post you said....


This doesn't sound to me like you are coming in second for him. It sounds like he is conflicted and feels that his grief for his fiance is not fair to you.

As for 5 or 6 years being too long for him to still have this depth of grief... My husband was killed 18 years ago. I still feel crappy around the anniversary. My mom died almost 9 years ago. Her anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It still hurts. I've talked with my pdoc about whether this is unhealthy. It's not.

Has your partner been in a significant relationship since his fiance's death? If not, it could be that he is trying to sort out how to manage his grief at the same time he loves you. That could lead to some conflicting feelings for lots of people.

I don't know how to quite explain it. I'm always going to be second in this case, and there are two sides to it: one side is that I understand and will do what I can to help ease the guilt he may feel, and the second side is that no matter his feelings for me, she's always going to be present in his life. So in the second part, I will always be second. When people break up and move on from past relationships, there's an overall sense of "it's over and I have moved on". In the case of having lost your significant other, there's not a whole sense of moving on. So to the new person, which is me, I come in second because it's not something that a person can get over a deceased partner. Does that make sense?

I never claimed that 5 or 6 years was too long to grieve over someone. I was giving a frame of reference on how long it's been since she passed. They were together for a little over a year.

He's been in one long term relationship after her (before me), but he explained that that relationship started out of lust and ended up going longer than it should have.

I have empathy and compassion for those that have lost a partner. I'm not disregarding the emotions that come with it for that person. But I'm the other person in the relationship, I have my feelings about it also. I don't know how to quite handle it from here on out. It does make me feel kind of crappy too, for different reasons.

My dear cousin passed away and her fiance at the time was completely devastated. But eventually he moved on, he found someone else, fell in love, then married her. So life CAN go on after a death, and DOES. Seems he's holding onto the guilt he feels. Seems he hasn't had time to process it properly if he's been in one relationship after another. I don't think it's fair to you to feel like you will always come second. That doesn't seem right. The past is the past no matter what, and at some point, one must move on.

[Bill3]

I don’t think that one necessarily “moves on”. However, in time one can often integrate the pain and loss into one’s mind, such that the loss becomes less central to one’s daily life.

With him, it sounds like this is the first time he has had an actual caring relationship since his loss. That means that his experience at this time is totally new to him. He will not forget her, but the sense that she is first and you are second may fade as time passes, especially as death anniversaries pass.

I think there is a lot to be said for seeing what happens to his feelings after the anniversary passes. How he acts in one, two, three months will say a lot about whether you will always seem second, or whether that sense can gradually fade over time.

For now, though, get all the support that you can, and talk things out as best you can.