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So these past few years have been somewhat of a living hell for me at my uni. After a year and a half of professional counseling and reaching out to loved ones in response developing anxious/depressive tendencies, my situation has dramatically improved compared to say, a couple of years ago, when I felt that my world was crumbling apart, but I still, I have a much lower tolerance towards people’s drama, shallowness, and stupidity.
What has added fuel to an already burning grease fire is I have had to endure this sort of “recovery” from a disappointment I had with a church I used to attend. Even though I fell in love with this group at first sight, my situation deteriorated as soon as I dove in head first to become involved with this group and make friends. Although they didn’t specifically say that I had to conform to rules, they frequently demonstrated otherwise through their actions. For example, people have stated that they understand we only have a limit to participate in this group’s events, but there has never been a time when someone would fail to participate in church’s activities or hangouts, and people who didn’t show unwavering participation were looked down upon. If you didn’t hold the same beliefs over highly specific topics, such as Christian/gospel musical tastes, perfectionistic attraction between sexes, get ready to be called “sinful” and “impure”. I ignored these red flags until my family expressed concerns over my academic performance. Once I tried to reach out for loving encouragement during a rather difficult period, when I was struggling keeping up with schoolwork and getting cut off from an internship, I was given a cold shoulder by these so-called “friends” or was told to just attend even more of the church’s events and that I was “sinning”, even though I have crumbled trying to please these control freaks and doing so without reward. According to these people you can’t be a good person without holding these beliefs or being part of a church. People both inside and outside that church who I previously viewed as best friends only pushed me away when I reached out for help, like they were unwilling to take my crap or support me. The lesson learned is this: unless you’re some sort of perfecto superhuman socially or morally, or you’re unwilling to conform/lose yourself in the attitudes of a social group, you’re worthless.
Since then I have continuously been pressured by friends to re-join religious organizations or find new friends, even though I have thrown in the towel with churches in general and have become happy with my already existing friendships. I also have an ambivert personality, so I enjoy the company of others, but I also like having my space and don't enjoy completely filling up my time with people or obligations. But the difference between before and after this nasty situation is that I have become a cynic and feel very uncomfortable around people, and feel very afraid of making mistakes, because people in general will judge you for one little mistake or for having weaknesses. Furthermore, even though those closest to me like my parents, and best friends have told me that I am a real catch because of my positive outlook on life, my conversational/social abilities, willingness to go out of my way to help others, and make people feel good about themselves, I feel that I am worthless and have nothing to offer to others.
Am I really a worthless little butthead like I believe myself to be? How can I protect myself from people’s pushiness to rejoin groups of friends that could potentially be dangerous to my health and academic performance? Are there really people out there who are not superficial or unaccepting like I have found thus far?
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"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Oct 22, 2018, 06:05 PM
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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