Trying to release anger and forgive. Any advice?

hazel100 · Oct 18, 2018, 08:11 AM

Hi everyone. This is my very first post. I am really grateful that this kind of forum exists.

I am looking for some advice / tips / thoughts on how to stop feeling so angry towards my ex. I have so much anger inside of me, it's making me feel sick.

We were together for 5 years. We bought a house together, started a business together, got a dog together, made big plans about our future, and we had so many beautiful adventures. I believed he was my true love, forever and always.

Six months ago, he announced that he had "a change in perspective" and he "no longer believes in monogamy" and he wants an "open relationship." He told me his feelings for me had not changed - he still loves me, he wants to grow old with me, however, he also wants to get his own apartment and live by himself (not live together anymore) and he wants to be able to date other women when he feels like it. Basically, he said, he just wants "more" out of life - more sexual freedom, especially. I was totally stunned by all of this. I felt like a bomb exploded in my life. I felt inadequate and worthless, like, "Why am I not 'enough' to make you happy? Why do you need to have sex with other women, too?"

Two months ago, we ended our relationship. It was heartbreaking, but I just couldn't stay with him. I know I could never be happy in an open marriage and he kept insisting that's what he needed. But it's just not who I am. It would be emotional torture for me every single day. So I left him.

Two months later, I find myself feeling so much anger towards him. I am not typically an "angry" type of person - so this feels very alien and strange to me. I am so angry that he waited 5 whole years before he revealed that he doesn't want a monogamous life partner. I feel like he should have revealed this information on our first or second date, not 5 years down the road! I feel like he stole 5 years of my life. I feel so betrayed and hurt.

I don't want to feel all of this anger. I want to forgive him and be able to just let everything go and move on. But I don't know how to release the anger that I feel.

Maybe it will just take some time? I am seeing a therapist which I think is helping. But if anyone has been through a similar (or somewhat similar) experience, I would love to hear your advice or perspective. Thank you.

Oct 18, 2018, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hazel100

Hi everyone. This is my very first post. I am really grateful that this kind of forum exists.

I am looking for some advice / tips / thoughts on how to stop feeling so angry towards my ex. I have so much anger inside of me, it's making me feel sick.

We were together for 5 years. We bought a house together, started a business together, got a dog together, made big plans about our future, and we had so many beautiful adventures. I believed he was my true love, forever and always.

Six months ago, he announced that he had "a change in perspective" and he "no longer believes in monogamy" and he wants an "open relationship." He told me his feelings for me had not changed - he still loves me, he wants to grow old with me, however, he also wants to get his own apartment and live by himself (not live together anymore) and he wants to be able to date other women when he feels like it. Basically, he said, he just wants "more" out of life - more sexual freedom, especially. I was totally stunned by all of this. I felt like a bomb exploded in my life. I felt inadequate and worthless, like, "Why am I not 'enough' to make you happy? Why do you need to have sex with other women, too?"

Two months ago, we ended our relationship. It was heartbreaking, but I just couldn't stay with him. I know I could never be happy in an open marriage and he kept insisting that's what he needed. But it's just not who I am. It would be emotional torture for me every single day. So I left him.

Two months later, I find myself feeling so much anger towards him. I am not typically an "angry" type of person - so this feels very alien and strange to me. I am so angry that he waited 5 whole years before he revealed that he doesn't want a monogamous life partner. I feel like he should have revealed this information on our first or second date, not 5 years down the road! I feel like he stole 5 years of my life. I feel so betrayed and hurt.

I don't want to feel all of this anger. I want to forgive him and be able to just let everything go and move on. But I don't know how to release the anger that I feel.

Maybe it will just take some time? I am seeing a therapist which I think is helping. But if anyone has been through a similar (or somewhat similar) experience, I would love to hear your advice or perspective. Thank you.

You've lost him. And you weren't prepared to lose him. If he died instead, would you be angry with him? My daughter has a friend whose father died. I think he committed suicide. That friend is now thirty years old, and he's still angry with his father who committed suicide. And he will remain angry with him for the rest of his life. Most people aren't angry with someone who's died. In a normal situation of the death of a loved one, you wouldn't be angry with them. They are lost to you and you grieve. Would you be angry with your ex-husband if he died? I know this doesn't seem relevant, but it is. It's as if he's died. In reality, he sounds really lost to me. He's searching for something that he thinks he's going to find through sex. Or he's found someone else who makes him feel things he hasn't felt for a long time. It has nothing to do with you, although I'm sure you think it has everything to do with you. Or perhaps he's having a mid-life crisis, where he wants to prove to himself that he's still desirable. I think sometimes anger is a way to cope. As long as you're angry, you're strong? You have your own reasons for holding onto the anger.

As far as letting go of the anger, I find it helps to try to understand what might be motivating the other person whose behaviour is making me angry. This doesn't mean trying to find a way to justify how they are hurting me. It means trying to stand in their shoes and understand what would drive them to do this. If you do this well (which is hard to do), you will start to take steps backwards and look at the entire situation as an observer, rather than as a participant. If you can see the situation as an observer, you will be able to see this as an experience, rather than as a horrible event. It's like looking at yourself in a movie, where you are being robbed at gunpoint, but you are outside of yourself watching. As an observer, you have a different perspective. This means you have an ability to see and act differently towards what's happening. As the observer, you have the ability to choose how to take the undesirable event. And then you have the opportunity to learn from the undesirable event.

Although he is the one who has changed the landscape of your lives together, and he has lessons he will learn by doing that, you also have lessons to take from the experience. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, as you haven't, but there are still lessons for both parties in a situation like this.

If you have a disagreement with someone, and you are proven to be correct, there are still lessons for you that result from the disagreement. Everything in life, every experience, good and bad, has lessons. Even when you have a massively good event happen in your life, like winning a contest, there's a lesson.

If you can pull yourself back to the point of the observer, you may be able to lessen the grip the anger has on you. If it helps, you can write down all the reasons you're angry with him (which is all about you, not him) and tape that list to a piece of wood, and then throw the piece of wood into a river. I can think of many reasons to be angry with him, and I'm sure you can too. But you need to externalize them by writing them down, and then you need to ritualistically let them go. This may not work the first time you do it, but I think it will lessen your anger over time. You can be inventive with how you let this list of anger go. You can write the list and then light it on fire (in a safe way, not indoors). You can rip the list to shreds and let it be carried away on the wind. You can write the list and drown it in a bucket of water. The point is to symbolically let the list of anger be destroyed. When you do this, you enable your psyche to let it go. But you have to be patient, as it may take time (months) to get where you need to get to.

Skeezyks · Oct 18, 2018, 11:05 AM

Hello hazel: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral.

Oct 18, 2018, 11:28 AM

I understand wishing he had told you sooner. I would consider the possibility that he didnt know earlier on and is just figuring himself out along the way like anyone else. He may not have intended to hurt you, but at the same time had to take charge of his own happiness.

The loss of a relationship causes a grieving stage. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time limit. If you feel angry right now, it's okay to be angry. Talking to a therapist would likely be a big help. Alternatively talking to friends, getting it out on places like here, etc are good options too.

I'm dealing with anger myself. It's a really difficult emotion to process and handle. I believe I will get past my anger as I believe you will too. In the mean time, it is okay to be hurt. Take it one day at a time. I think I'll take my own advice too.

divine1966 · Oct 18, 2018, 12:44 PM

Sorry for what you are going through.

Honestly when someone all of a sudden tells you they want to see other people typically it’s because they either met someone else or simply aren’t interested in you anymore.

Nothing to do with wanting open marriage.

But they just want to soften the blow by saying they want open marriage. I know someone who thought she was in serious relationship when all of a sudden he says he wants to see more than one person. She was devastated. He is now dating someone else, possibly someone he knew while dating my friend.

So I think sometimes people think it will be easier on their partner if they give BS excuse rather than true reason why they want to leave.

There is nothing you can do but try to move on. Relationships often end. It’s painful but it shall pass. It will get better

hazel100 · Oct 18, 2018, 01:43 PM

Hi ClaireRobin...

I just read your beautiful response while having coffee with my friend. (She says "hi Claire"

... and we were both so moved by what you said. I love the idea of doing a ritual and symbolically releasing my anger into a river. There's a river close to where I live! And I live near the ocean, too. So that's perfect. I really appreciate your thoughts. You have brightened my morning. Thank you.

hazel100 · Oct 18, 2018, 01:45 PM

Skeezyks, thank you for all the helpful article links! That's so kind of you.

hazel100 · Oct 18, 2018, 01:46 PM

Thank you, KissTheRain. I will keep taking it one day at a time, and I am sending a big virtual hug to you. I hope you keep healing, too.

hazel100 · Oct 18, 2018, 01:52 PM

Hi divine1966 ... Thank you for your thoughts.

You are totally right, sometimes saying "I want to see other people" is really just a way of trying to break up and soften the blow. I don't think that was the case in my particular scenario, though, because my ex definitely wanted me to stay with him. He wanted to have me as his main/primary partner and also have other girlfriends on the side. Kind of like a "polyamorous" relationship. He wanted both: a committed partner and also total sexual freedom to explore other relationships whenever the mood struck him.

But anyway, I really appreciate your thoughts and thanks for taking the time to connect and help a total stranger on the Internet like me.

Rose76 · Oct 20, 2018, 09:51 PM

It sounds like maybe he never really fully committed to you. I guess it felt like he did with partnering up with you on the house and the business. But is there some reason why you two never married? (I don't say that's essential. I, myself, am in a very long term relationship and have never married.) How are you working out divying up the equity in the house? Financial experts (which I am not) say it's generally not a good idea to take out a mortgage with someone you are not married to. So it kind of seems like he was holding back on making a commitment. Of course, you needn't talk about any of that.

I think it's very wrong to string someone along. 5 years ago, he probably wasn't sure what he wanted. Or he thought he wanted what you two had. Now he doesn't. That doesn't mean he was insincere back during the first year or two. But it doesn't sound like he gave you any guarantee. It does sound like you were misled.

I haven't met too many people who even want to be in open relationships, including guys. So he sounds a bit strange in his values. Actually, he sounds like a weirdo to me. It might be better to discover that now, rather than in another 5 years.

Stop denigrating yourself by thinking you weren't "enough" for him. For guys who want to play the field and keep their options open, no woman is enough. This is why I believe that men over 30 who are still single tend to be immature emotionally. By that point, they've had serious relationships, but, alas, no one was quite good enough. No one ever will be, most likely. These are the guys who end up alone late in life . . . or involved with a taker who doesn't really care.

Time will take care of the anger, if you let go of the feeling that you were victimized. I'm not into this "forgiveness" business that seems to be all the rage in our culture. People go to court and tell the murderer who killed their family member that they "forgive" him. What a bunch of garbage that is, IMHO. I'll let the good Lord above take care of forgiving the repentant. The rest of us just need to move on from an involvement that didn't work out, or where we were exploited.

It may be that this guy exploited you. (Exploited your trust, or your naivete, or your generosity of spirit.) I don't think you need to forgive that. He is probably the only kind of person he knows how to be. You need to reach a point when what you feel toward him is largely indifference. He doesn't deserve your continued friendship. He's not a nice guy. It's okay to be mad for awhile. But accept that this was a learning experience. It wasn't for him. He got away with pulling the rug out from someone. So he learned nothing. That approach to life will catch up with him someday. It always does. The longer I live, the more amazed I am at how people tend to reap what they sow. Your task is to learn from the experience. Let go of thinking that someone stole from you. The truth is - you were conned. That's a different thing. You fell for a hustle. Going forward, you can be wiser.

Or not. You can be ripe for another guy to come along and do you the same way. It's up to you. Take the blinders off.

Oct 21, 2018, 07:57 PM

I wish I had a good answer for you. Forgiveness is such a personal journey. My best advice is to first give yourself time to grieve the relationship and to heal. Taking care of yourself right now is really important. ❤️

continuosly blue · Oct 22, 2018, 05:58 AM

Rose 76 basically already stated my sentiments. I pretty much feel the same.
Why forgive the bastard. He screwed you over. Most guys just go out and cheat if they want to keep the relationship they are in. What this guy is saying is pure sickness. You should be glad to be rid of him. The thing is people change over time but real love gets through those rough patches. Some stuff though is very difficult to forgive. When your dealing with a selfish SOB you need to just worry about taking care of yourself. I understand the angry part but over time I came to realize it was more just being hurt from the rejection than anger. I’ve had anger issues my whole life and believe me, it gets you nowhere.
Like someone else said , and you’ve gotten a lot of good advice , treat this as a death. Mourn the loss and move on. I also learned that you’ll never get those 5 years back. So just accept it for what it was and realize that the only thing we can do is move forward in life. I know it’s not easy. But it can be done.
I wish you the best.

lady411 · Oct 23, 2018, 12:20 AM

Hello Hazel and a very warm welcome to you. I can somewhat relate. I have been with my husband for 4yrs and married for 3yrs. When we got together he was starting his business & I had just started as a behavioral child therapist. We made many future plans. A few months before we got married I gave up my career to run the business from home. Now we have a toddler and another baby on the way. I don't feel like he appreciates all the sacrifices I've made. He doesn't want to end the marriage but over the past year he has grown to be more emotionally abusive & in some cases physically abusive. I'm starting to accept the idea that it might not last forever like we planned. Anger is an emotion I'm becoming familiar with. Therapy is one step I am taking towards making better choices in the future.
All I can say is that I agree with a lot of the posts about giving it some time to heal. It's very normal and understandable to feel anger but don't let that poison consume you.

Trying to release anger and forgive. Any advice?

PS. I love the baking rituals suggested by ClaireRobin. Kudos to you.

xiximmxi · Oct 23, 2018, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clairerobin

You've lost him. And you weren't prepared to lose him. If he died instead, would you be angry with him?
...As far as letting go of the anger, I find it helps to try to understand what might be motivating the other person whose behaviour is making me angry. This doesn't mean trying to find a way to justify how they are hurting me. It means trying to stand in their shoes and understand what would drive them to do this. If you do this well (which is hard to do), you will start to take steps backwards and look at the entire situation as an observer, rather than as a participant. If you can see the situation as an observer, you will be able to see this as an experience, rather than as a horrible event. It's like looking at yourself in a movie, where you are being robbed at gunpoint, but you are outside of yourself watching. As an observer, you have a different perspective. This means you have an ability to see and act differently towards what's happening...

When my ex and I broke up, I wished that he was dead instead.
Which made me feel TERRIBLE.

It took me a a long time and another love to forgive him and move on.
I still resent him for some things but I don't cry every time I think about him.

What a thoughtful response.
& Welcome, Hazel

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