[Zararose]

I've only just read about what gaslighting is. I had no clue!

I was gaslighted and manipulated for 6 years!! The amount of times I was told "you're too insecure" " you've got issues". My ex told me he had cheated on me but said he would only tell me the truth if I did 'things' for him. And when I did them he would brush it off and tell me he never said such things. I believed him! I doubted myself. I really didn't know the truth. If I brought up things that bothered me he would say I was being insecure and sensitive "you need to work on your issues" he would say. I didnt even know what my 'issues' were. I would actually plead for him to tell me what my 'issues'were because I had no idea. But he would never tell me."I think you know what they are". But he still woudlnt tell me. He used to tell me that I had to find out how to resolve them by myself. He would say "it's so easy to fix". I'd start to panic thinking that he would leave me if I didn't find a miraculous cure to my 'issues'.

He confessed once to triggering my jealousy on purppse so he could use that as an excuse to break up with me. While he was going behind my back having a fling with a married women. I thought it was all my fault!! so when he was finished with this other women all he had to do was walk back and say "I love you let's give this another try and I thought I was lucky

[eskielover]

I hope you have learned & are no longer that way.

Yes you had serious issues that needed fixed BUT if you had fixed them at thst time you would have kicked his sorry @$$ out of your life & never had anything more to do with him.

He used your lack of self confidence & it seems fear of abandonment against you & gaslighted you to do it. Those are things we are capable of fixing in our oen lives so that we aren't willing to put up with crap from others just to have them in our lives. If yiu aren't in therapy you seriously need it because you need to learn how to set YOUR boundaries & learn how to become more ibdependent emotionally so you don't get sucked into more relationships with guys like this who really don't care about you. You need to learn how to recognize red flags & not allow yourself to get involved with people like him.

Yes you have a lot of work to do for yourself so you can not get involved with creeps like him.

[Keinta15]

The advantage you have now is that you can learn from this experience and use it. Now you can identify this behaviors and not let them affect you as much. I too was in a similar relationship expierence as you and let me tell you it wasn't easy.

[MickeyCheeky]

At leas you know better now. I'm sorry for what happened

There are people who will support us in the world and others who will "attempt" to exploit our vulnerabilities for their own advantage or convenience, and this is not always a conscious act. Some people will defend against recognizing their own tendency to exploit others. It could be that your ex sometimes believed his own deceptions, including the gaslighting.

The important thing is to recognize where you are vulnerable, so you can build boundaries around it and protect yourself, while you work on becoming less vulnerable.

[Albatross2008]

The first time I heard a therapist say the word "gaslighting," it was a former boyfriend of mine he was describing. We used to have arguments that always ended (didn't resolve, just ended) with the same script. I would tell him, in an effort to get the matter worked out, "OK, if I'm understanding right, what you're saying is...."

He'd shrug. "If that's the way you want to see it."

And this would confuse and frustrate me. "What do you mean, if that's the way I want to see it? What's the way it really is?"

At which he would be angry. "Do we have to talk about this all night?"

I never would really know where he stands, because he wouldn't come right out and tell me. The therapist called it gaslighting. No, I was not being unreasonable. No, I was not reading him wrong--he was deliberately blurring himself so I couldn't read him at all, then making me out to be some kind of shrew who just wanted to keep harping on it. He didn't want to resolve the conflict. He wanted to keep me off balance and make me feel like I was crazy.

Further therapy taught me that other family had been gaslighting me as well. If I had a dollar for every "it was your imagination" or "you must have dreamed it" or "you took it wrong" I've ever heard....

Point being, apparently there is a club for those of us who have been gaslighted. Welcome to it. May we all help each other heal.

[lady411]

The most important thing is to learn to recognize within yourself what you will do differently in your next relationship. You are very fortunate to have gotten away from a toxic relationship like that one. My husband has shown signs of gaslighting. We will see how it all turns out over time. I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Originally Posted by Zararose

I've only just read about what gaslighting is. I had no clue!

I was gaslighted and manipulated for 6 years!! The amount of times I was told "you're too insecure" " you've got issues".

I know what you mean. They have very concerning behaivors themselves and suggests something is wrong with you.

I'm glad you are reading Psychology articles so that you can become more aware. And good for you that he no longer has control over you. Thank you for sharing your story. It's really helpful.

[WishfulThinker66]

Is it possible, for those of us unaware or unsure and confused, to provide a definition and example of 'gaslighting'. Apparently I have had the wrong idea and need some clarification.

[eskielover]

Here is a link to the definition & examples of different types of gaslighting
Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted | HealthyPlace