[Aposiopesis]

Hey guys. Just a warning, this is kinda long due to the backstory.

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but from what I can gather there's no real place to post questions about friendships so I figure this is likely the best place. Backstory: I'm a female, and I've spent most of my life as a loner. I'm also somewhat asexual and masculine - I call myself androgynous - and growing up I'd always play games like football and tag with my male classmates, and I never look even remotely feminine; most of my clothes are bought in the mens section because that's what I'm comfortable in. I don't wear makeup, or tight clothes - I don't even carry a handbag. I have short hair and I'm often mistaken for a man. That doesn't bother me, it never has. I'm comfortable with that.

Last semester at Uni I had classes with this great guy. Because we were the only ones who actually turned up to the lectures, we struck up a friendship. We had heaps in common, we liked the same games, have the same major (technology), mess around with the same sorts of thing on computers - we both love playing around with Linux systems - and read similar books. He rides a motorbike, which is something I'd love to have. We could talk for ages, and I was like "one of the guys" to him. We'd help each other with assignments, he was there for me when my grandmother died, I kept him company after our shared subject's exam because he felt worried over it...honestly, he felt more like a brother to me than my own brother.

I knew this guy had a girlfriend - he mentioned her a lot - and he knew I was no threat to them. I'm not interested in him at all. Most girls look at me and see that I'd likely never even be the type to ever have a boyfriend - people have always just automatically assumed that I was gay, because of the way I dress and act. This guy included.

Basically, we had a great friendship. And then, by chance, I went downtown one day and I ran into him and his girlfriend. I was with my mother on our way to have coffee; he walked past us and we literally nearly ran into each other. He introduced me to her, I introduced him to my mum (along the lines of, "this is ___, he's in my networking class") and then after that...it all changed. When I met his girlfriend, she looked me up and down. I'm used to that reaction because of how I look (I also have severe eczema and acne so my skin is quite damaged) and then was very, very standoffish. Again, used to that. I never get along with women easily because of how I am.

A few weeks after that, this guy and I had a class together. I don't have a car so I was intending on walking home, and as we walked out of the classroom together, he asked how I was getting home. I told him that, and at that moment, his girlfriend caught up with us. She didn't say hello or anything - that doesn't bother me much - but then he asked if I would like a lift and she full on glared at him. Again, absolutely nothing between me and him, and I am most certainly not a threat, especially considering his girlfriend is basically a blond bombshell!

But since then, its like my friendship with this guy just...disappeared. Despite me messaging him, he only talked to me during a group assignment and he full on snubbed me before our exam the other day; I was there earlier than him - because I walk, I leave way earlier just in case - and I saw him walk in. I waved, he ignored me. It's like that friendship we had has literally just disappeared and I don't know why; we didn't have a fight, we didn't talk about anything out of the ordinary. But the last proper conversation we had was when his girlfriend glared at him for offering me a lift.

Am I totally paranoid to think that maybe his girlfriend doesn't like him having a female friend and has told him not to talk to me anymore?

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Aposiopesis)))) No, I don't think you're paranoid at all - it's a real possibility. But the only way to know for sure is to just ask him what's going on. I'm sorry this is happening

[healingme4me]

I don't think you're paranoid either. The jealousy could be because of the level of true connection you both shared. So sorry that you are going through this.

[Skeezyks]

Could be he's just scared to death of losing his blonde bombshell. So whatever she says... goes... Personally I doubt this really had anything to do with you...

[WishfulThinker66]

Just how often were you messaging one another? Were you a confidant to him? I differ here from the others in that your mentioning texting is huge tip-off to me. I am of the opinion this is inappropriate from the start. Sorry, that is just the way I feel. No doubt this is based on previous experience. I also want you to consider what was the nature of the relationship history he has with his girlfriend. Were you the only female he communicated with or has he made a habit of this? I point out that you don't know the whole backstory here as to why his girlfriend was upset or uncomfortable. Finally, please don't take this all personally. This is an issue between her and him not he and you.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Aposiopesis

Hey guys. Just a warning, this is kinda long due to the backstory.

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but from what I can gather there's no real place to post questions about friendships so I figure this is likely the best place. Backstory: I'm a female, and I've spent most of my life as a loner. I'm also somewhat asexual and masculine - I call myself androgynous - and growing up I'd always play games like football and tag with my male classmates, and I never look even remotely feminine; most of my clothes are bought in the mens section because that's what I'm comfortable in. I don't wear makeup, or tight clothes - I don't even carry a handbag. I have short hair and I'm often mistaken for a man. That doesn't bother me, it never has. I'm comfortable with that.

Last semester at Uni I had classes with this great guy. Because we were the only ones who actually turned up to the lectures, we struck up a friendship. We had heaps in common, we liked the same games, have the same major (technology), mess around with the same sorts of thing on computers - we both love playing around with Linux systems - and read similar books. He rides a motorbike, which is something I'd love to have. We could talk for ages, and I was like "one of the guys" to him. We'd help each other with assignments, he was there for me when my grandmother died, I kept him company after our shared subject's exam because he felt worried over it...honestly, he felt more like a brother to me than my own brother.

I knew this guy had a girlfriend - he mentioned her a lot - and he knew I was no threat to them. I'm not interested in him at all. Most girls look at me and see that I'd likely never even be the type to ever have a boyfriend - people have always just automatically assumed that I was gay, because of the way I dress and act. This guy included.

Basically, we had a great friendship. And then, by chance, I went downtown one day and I ran into him and his girlfriend. I was with my mother on our way to have coffee; he walked past us and we literally nearly ran into each other. He introduced me to her, I introduced him to my mum (along the lines of, "this is ___, he's in my networking class") and then after that...it all changed. When I met his girlfriend, she looked me up and down. I'm used to that reaction because of how I look (I also have severe eczema and acne so my skin is quite damaged) and then was very, very standoffish. Again, used to that. I never get along with women easily because of how I am.

A few weeks after that, this guy and I had a class together. I don't have a car so I was intending on walking home, and as we walked out of the classroom together, he asked how I was getting home. I told him that, and at that moment, his girlfriend caught up with us. She didn't say hello or anything - that doesn't bother me much - but then he asked if I would like a lift and she full on glared at him. Again, absolutely nothing between me and him, and I am most certainly not a threat, especially considering his girlfriend is basically a blond bombshell!

But since then, its like my friendship with this guy just...disappeared. Despite me messaging him, he only talked to me during a group assignment and he full on snubbed me before our exam the other day; I was there earlier than him - because I walk, I leave way earlier just in case - and I saw him walk in. I waved, he ignored me. It's like that friendship we had has literally just disappeared and I don't know why; we didn't have a fight, we didn't talk about anything out of the ordinary. But the last proper conversation we had was when his girlfriend glared at him for offering me a lift.

Am I totally paranoid to think that maybe his girlfriend doesn't like him having a female friend and has told him not to talk to me anymore?

It sound like his girlfriend is very jealous and controlling.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

((((Aposiopesis)))) No, I don't think you're paranoid at all - it's a real possibility. But the only way to know for sure is to just ask him what's going on. I'm sorry this is happening

I think that jealousy is a very big possibility. Sorry that you are going through that. I know people who are like that

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I don't think you're paranoid either. The jealousy could be because of the level of true connection you both shared. So sorry that you are going through this.

I don't that your ring paranoid without a good reason since everything that has happened. I think re girlfriend is very jealous and extremely controlling.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Could be he's just scared to death of losing his blonde bombshell. So whatever she says... goes... Personally I doubt this really had anything to do with you...

That is great advice!

[Aposiopesis]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Just how often were you messaging one another? Were you a confidant to him? I differ here from the others in that your mentioning texting is huge tip-off to me. I am of the opinion this is inappropriate from the start. Sorry, that is just the way I feel. No doubt this is based on previous experience. I also want you to consider what was the nature of the relationship history he has with his girlfriend. Were you the only female he communicated with or has he made a habit of this? I point out that you don't know the whole backstory here as to why his girlfriend was upset or uncomfortable. Finally, please don't take this all personally. This is an issue between her and him not he and you.

I wouldn't say that I was a confidant to him, and he has mentioned having other female friends, just not ones that he's made at Uni. That was something we originally bonded over, actually, that, even though we're in our final year of study, neither of us have made a friend at uni. That's because where I live, most people go to Uni right out of school which means there's a lot of cliques, and both of us are considered "mature age", even though we're in our mid to late twenties, making us up to seven years older than our classmates. From what he's told me, he had a fair amount of friends outside of university and they all had what he called "dinner parties" once a month, when all his and his girlfriend's friends - both male and female - would get together and go out for dinner and drinks. He invited me along once, but I get anxiety and one of my triggers is actually eating in public, so I declined.

Just out of interest, why do you think this was inappropriate?

[Bill3]

You’re not paranoid.

To me, the relationship you described between him and you was completely appropriate.

[s4ndm4n2006]

None of your behavior or that you were friends with this guy was inappropriate in the least. Texting, messaging or even phone calls with friends is just that, friends. Whether male or female if that's all it was nothing you said implies any inappropriate behavior at all.

The point of contention is not in either of your behaviors but how the gf views female friends and unfortunately this is not an uncommon thing. In a lot of cases (and btw this is not just with females either) the SO for whatever reason finds that their mate having opposite sex friends is a threat. It matters very little how you act or what you've done in those cases as this is entirely based on the suspicious nature of the gf or bf.

We can go into all kinds of detail as to whether his gf is jealous, controlling or any number of other discussions but it matters very little. Likely she's said something and he's being respectful and choosing to do what he feels is best at the moment for his relationship that matters most, his SO.

Nothing wrong in that but it would be a lot nicer of him to be honest about it and tell you that's the case instead of simply cutting off most communication if not all.