When you know you're with the wrong person

I'm so sorry that these latest things have happened.

No judgement, but please break up with him. It's FAR better to be alone than with a total A-hole. If he stole your wallet, or if you even suspect he did, you can never trust him.

I think his actions speak volumes. I cannot even imagine.

Yes even the way he talked and interacted with me last night spoke volumes. Thank you for the support here.

(((((2daffodils)))))

I sense a new determination on your part to be rid of him.

I myself am pleased to see that but will continue to support you ads. best that I can, whatever path you may take.

Be strong!

No judgement. But current events are pretty much a sign for you that you need to move on. Absolutely don’t recommend you stay friends with him. He is not to be trusted. Stay strong. We are here for you

I'm having a really hard time. I have no other explanation for my wallet going missing. I accused him because he had easy access. I only went out for groceries and back to his place without my wallet. I've usually kept it with me. Something in my gut wanted to hurry back to his apartment while waiting for him to get his groceries. That's when I reached in my purse to realize I left it on his kitchen table. He didn't want me calling the police. I had to. All my identy was in there other than my birth certificate. Now I don't know how I'm going to get my health card, license etc. I have no current passport. I'm so upset that he denies taking it. That leaves me utterly confused angry and anxious. But he never stole from me before that I know of.

BUT, he's quite recently in major financial trouble. So it makes me wonder. I'm not careless with my wallet. It had to be him or what else? There was no forced entry and nothing else stolen. More reasons to believe it was him.

Understand that I loved this man for almost 3 years.

I had a marriage counselor early on that told my husband and I we should make a video of our fights because they would be the same ones we have over and over again. It's been mostly true; same fights over and over. A few new topics when kids came into the picture.

I stayed with someone a year longer than I thought I would. I understand the whole reasoning for staying with someone when there are signs you should break up. It’s hard and it’s painful. It’s been just over 2 months for me since the split and I am feeling much happier now. It took a while because I missed talking to someone and felt lonely but it gets better with time.

The wallet thing does sound like a red flag. It is very frustrating not to have the forms of identity you need. I lost my driver's license and then realized my passport had expired. So for a while I had no ID, and that made me uncomfortable.

I can't really speak to the relationship issue. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to about it?

I don't have people in my life to talk about it. I have one friend, and an ex sis in law but they are very busy people. This here has been my main support.

I guess I don't know how to cope but I've got to. What choice is there? I just wanted a relationship to work. I wanted but I do realize I might never find a good man. I'm now into my 50s and I give up. It might be that I'm a problem to the men I've had in my life. I do the best I can to make it work.

Are you in therapy? You might be attracting wring men and then are trying to make them into right ones. It’s not uncommon. Good therapist can help you.

You tried to make this relationship work but it can’t work with men like your BF. You may or may not find the right man but the one you are with isn’t right and you can’t change that. You can’t make it work with him, that’s just a reality. Since you two don’t live together it could be relatively fast ending. No packing and moving is involved. I spent almost 9 years living with a person whom I hoped to change (alcoholic relapsing on and off). Well I finally left and am now happily married but he still struggles with the same issue. What you see is what you get. I dont regret it but there was no need to stick around for that long. When someone isn’t right, dragging it for years isn’t going to make them right.

Are there other things in life you might enjoy if you dont have a man: hobby? Job? Work out? Volunteer? Church? Friendships? Helping others? Good books? Walking in a nature?

I'm on a waiting list for a counselor. I had a therapist, a real certified therapist a few years ago. Unfortunately she talked too much about herself and and adhd, so it didn't go well. What I got though from her, was that I should take my time with relationships. I did with him. I was happy with him. I know how to ground myself. I'm more mature with communication and arguments (and this isn't to make me sound good), than he is. He's lived alone more of his life than I have.

He wants his FREEDOM. I put it in capitals, because that's what he said it comes down to. He said a long time ago in a letter, "I'm not sure I can have my privacy, space, and freedom, and still have a meaningful relationship with you." That read to me, as, sorry for my blunt way of putting things "I want a F buddy". He says that's not what he meant. But he is self centered, not generous, and can be very hurtful with his words. Also pushed me to the floor a year and a half ago but I forgave him. We were both drinking, and he said I had almost knocked over some of his things.

I believe he is soured on women. Any bits of info he will give me has shown me he has a bit of a hate on for the women he was with. I think he transfers some of those feelings to me, regardless of who I really am. When we get along, we really get along. Good. He can lift my spirits by complimenting me, he can make me feel loved with his hugs and kisses, and his caring (not all the time, but sometimes), about what I've eaten and if I take care of my own needs. I'm diabetic and have other health issues. Sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I have a lot of medication. Not too many men would be standing in line for a 50 something year old who is on disability.

I'm not disregarding everything that has been said here. I'm just trying to explain why I feel I love him. I know actions speak louder than words.

I need to leave him out of my life completely for a while. I understand the thinking "what you see is what you get", but I also know it is NOT impossible for people and circumstances to change. It is unlikely, but not impossible.

There are bad things about me, bad things about him. Good things about me, good things about him.

When we get along, it's really good. I can't be sure he's to blame for the wallet, because he's never stolen or went through my purse or belongings that I ever knew of. I'd never suspect him, he is trustworthy and loyal. He hasn't cheated on me. Unless he had no conscience, and was a sociopath like my ex h, I'd not believe what he says. But he's always been trustworthy. He works hard. He is loyal to his own family. He is a good friend. But the romance is gone, he barely tolerates me.

Those were his words just recently. "I cant tolerate you."

It seems as though I have issues that attract men who aren't too good to me.

I've had enough time to know what I can and can't deal with.

I can't deal with living with him.

I hope we could resolve our problems. I really DON'T want any other man, that is my decision and it is final. So if WE can't resolve our issues, it will be over in the near future.

I do have hobbies, I do walk when I can, and I don't like church even though I have faith. I really appreciate this community support. Thanks to you all.

2daffodils, it sounds a bit to me like you're settling for what you can get, and you're settling for less than what you deserve.

You can't deal with living with him, but you still want to hold on and work out the issues? You cannot teach a man respect. You cannot teach a man who is mean how to not be mean.

You don't deserve mean words. You don't deserve to be told "I can't tolerate you".

Why you would still want to work it out with a man who sometimes is mean to you and who said these words is beyond me, but I think you're settling because you know this means you will be alone.

It's far better to be alone than to settle for less than what you deserve. It's far better to be alone than to be hurt. It's far better to be alone than to deal with someone who transfers their hate for women onto you... that's misogyny. Please think about this. He does not sound like an all around good man.

Goodness this can only continue to get worse. I agree with the others. Leave as quick as you can, no matter how difficult it is and no matter how emotionally attached you feel. Sometimes you just have to make yourself do what’s right logically and let your emotions catch up with you later.

It sounds as you feel that having any man even the mean and nasty one is better than to be alone.

I do get it. But how does anyone determine what I deserve? I understand from what I've said here that this seems so obvious he can't respect me. My own gut knows this. I have dished it back at him at times. I can say things that hurt him just like he hurts me. Who knows I deserve "better", or that there is "better" out there? I've experienced a few short relationships, well, I won't even consider those "relationships" in the last 6 or so years, other than with this man. I didn't see anything better. Maybe I'm getting soured on men and need my own space. I think divine or golden said that any kind of commitment won't change things. I know that is true. But he hasn't been a complete jerk ALL the time.I

Stay with him then.. It’s your prerogative. He’s a jerk but by all means do as you please. We’re jyst trying to help u see that it’s dysfunctional. That is all. You started this thread by saying you know you’re with the wrong man. Now you’re backtracking and are justifying it.

It’s nothing to do with who deserves what. If this relationship makes you happy and you see no need to leave, then by no means you should not break up. But I don’t really understand what are you asking in this thread. If things are good with this guy and you are doing what feels right, then what exactly are you asking. I sincerely dont understand. We can’t tell you what to do. You want this guy, it’s fine. It’s entirely up to you.

If you have never seen anything better than this, absolutely awful man, then it’s a big issue all in itself. But if you want to be with him, who are we to tell you to leave. I think some of us misunderstood that you were asking advice or help. “Can anyone help me?”.

I’d never tell anyone to leave unless they asked for advice.

Yes. I started by a title of a thread. And a nvm. Then people were not responding to me but someone else's response to a simple "nvm."
This is why I don't usually post in this section of the forums. I liked healings idea. Things changed when I thought he stole from me. I didn't see it happen.

Yes he's not the best man but... ummm.. I? have issues? .... if this is the best I've seen from men I've been involved with?

YES. Finally some truth in this thread. I sincerely appreciate this community and advice.

Well, I'll just say my two cents and will be done with it. It seems like a dysfunctional relationship at best, with both of you being mean to each other periodically. That is not love. True love involves respect for one another, not mean, vicious or cruel words. Love does not involve hurting each other. Mean words = dysfunctional.

But stay if you are happy. That's what matters the most here is whether you are happy or not. I figured you had gripes and wanted advice based on the nature of the title and also on the nature of your later posts. But it seems you have figured it out.

Just to clarify I never said that YOU have an issue, but that IT IS an issue if you never saw anyone better than this man. Typically the kind of issue of being only attracted to abusive men could be addressed in therapy. But I digress. It sounds that you know what you want and need. Best wishes

I think many men in their 50s get so set in their ways. And I think a need for space or independence as many call it--not that they aren't clinging to the companionship aspect and I don't mean that sexually either--is a real not imaginary reality in 2018.

So I totally get where you are coming from.

Okay, I'm throwing in my two cents, you sound a lot like me when I finally separated from my ex.
I too would have tossed around the disclaimers, the excuses for his behavior, the I probably deserved it because...and then, after we separated-and yes that hurts for a while. It does, but, you get over it. After we separated I started reading about codependency.
I wouldn't have when we were in the relationship, because I thought co-dependants were sad sacks who couldn't stand up for themselves.
I was wrong.
I was in an abusive relationship and didn't even accept that I had been. I refused to accept that I had been a survivor of an abusive relationship.
But here you are, telling us he's pushed you, said mean things to you, used you, and that you're willing to settle for this rather than be alone.
Well, friend, being alone is NOT the worst thing that can happen.
The worst thing is when the fights get nastier, and no amount of reconciling or forgiving or pretending makes it go away. And you are given tiny crumbs of affection for agreeing to participate in it, and you are OK with that.
But, its your choice, and your life. If you want to find out for yourself, you can. We can't stop you.
However, since your here you must know that we're all here for a reason, because we've been through some stuff, and we know from experience.
Also, I have been alone for a long time, and it really IS better to be alone than to live like that.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I'll wrap this up as best I can. I've been through a ton of crap in my life. from abusive neglective parents, to an ex h that is a sociopath. So I know you are all trying to help. This relationship seems toxic, can be, he seems rude, but... all I can say is I'm doing the best I can to figure out my next steps. Thanks to all for your input.