[MelSta]

Over the past 6 months I have been involved in a casual relationship with a man who is very open about his mental health issues, major depression and ADHD, childhood trauma from family (in particular his mother whom he loaths), church sexual abuse, past substance abuse (15 years sober) and avoidance attachment issues. He is also very open about his sexual preference for rough sex and a leaning towards dominance bondage scenarios. We also share that both of our previous long term relationships did not end well and have left us both wary (I too have a young daughter, and want things in her life to remain stable).
Despite all the negatives I am very attracted to him, sexually and emotionally and feel excited when we meet up, being middle aged and feeling cynical and numb from my previous marriage.
The relationship has been purely sexual and I am more than happy with this but of late he has cooled towards me, saying he is depressed and needs to isolate, not sleeping and after much study having difficulty finding a job in his new career, especially one he could tolerate.
I guess I am asking what should my stance be with this man, I have a busy life and do not really want a complete relationship but while sex is great I am having feelings that I would like to become more intimate and maybe share some time outside of the bedroom too. My instinct is to have a wait see approach and to be blandly supportive of him emotionally. Any thoughts?

[divine1966]

Purely sexual relationships usually stay jusf that and don’t develop into anything deeper. Also relationships solely based on sex eventually dwindle and end as sex isn’t enough to maintain deep connection.

I’d say it’s pretty expected that eventually one or both partners would cool off and move on either new partners or on to other important things in life.

If you want relationship outside of bedroom, you should look for that kind of relationship with men who want the same , build friendship and trust etc If you want just sex, it’s fine too but this guy doesn’t appear interested anymore (being busy and wanting to isolate is an old excuse), so it’s better to look for a new guy

Yes, I agree with Divine. Once you start as purely sexual you cannot really move into a deeper relationship easily. If you do want something more, find another person.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by MelSta

Over the past 6 months I have been involved in a casual relationship with a man who is very open about his mental health issues, major depression and ADHD, childhood trauma from family (in particular his mother whom he loaths), church sexual abuse, past substance abuse (15 years sober) and avoidance attachment issues. He is also very open about his sexual preference for rough sex and a leaning towards dominance bondage scenarios. We also share that both of our previous long term relationships did not end well and have left us both wary (I too have a young daughter, and want things in her life to remain stable).
Despite all the negatives I am very attracted to him, sexually and emotionally and feel excited when we meet up, being middle aged and feeling cynical and numb from my previous marriage.
The relationship has been purely sexual and I am more than happy with this but of late he has cooled towards me, saying he is depressed and needs to isolate, not sleeping and after much study having difficulty finding a job in his new career, especially one he could tolerate.
I guess I am asking what should my stance be with this man, I have a busy life and do not really want a complete relationship but while sex is great I am having feelings that I would like to become more intimate and maybe share some time outside of the bedroom too. My instinct is to have a wait see approach and to be blandly supportive of him emotionally. Any thoughts?

Only because you asked, I will share my thoughts. I think you would be better off seeing a therapist to find out why you are attracted to someone who sounds dangerous to be around. "Cynical and numb" ... so now you are turned on by someone who likes to hurt people? My guess, too, is this person is now looking for the next challenge, having taken already what you had to offer. Consider yourself fortunate he has moved on.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by MelSta

I guess I am asking what should my stance be with this man, I have a busy life and do not really want a complete relationship but while sex is great I am having feelings that I would like to become more intimate and maybe share some time outside of the bedroom too. My instinct is to have a wait see approach and to be blandly supportive of him emotionally. Any thoughts?

There's no "stance" to be had here. There is no possible way for it to go deeper and really, why would you want to? He sounds like a cornucopia of baggage with no job. NEXT!

[divine1966]

You mentioned not a single positive thing about him so I am not sure why you want to pursue him. Especially since he apparently cooled off already.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((MelSta)))) You can try if you want, but it's your own risk. I don't think it's the best idea to start a relationship now that he seems disinterested and depressed, as well. Just be careful, ok?