[tallgirl1975]

Help please. My parents are treating my husband as an after thought. We have a 4yo daughter and she is their focus primarily. We certainly aren't their focus anymore. Recently they don't bother addressing my husband until they've fussed over our daughter first. I want to let them know how upset we've been about it recently. Contructively, politely yet firmly letting them know that this has been so upsetting recently. My step Mum is very good at taking control of all situations, and trying to manage everyone, far too much. Which drives me mad. I think I need to be more assertive (which doesn't come naturally to me, as I'm more than happy to please everyone) without putting myself first. Any advice please would be so welcome. Should I let her know face to face.

[Skeezyks]

Hello tallgirl: I don't think there is any advice I can offer with regard to the situation you describe. Hopefully there will be other members, here on PC, who will have some suggestions. However I noticed this is your first post. So I simply wanted to welcome you to PsychCentral.

Since you have a 4 year old daughter, one additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the healthy parenting forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[healingme4me]

Maybe say, "Good to see you, too." ?

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by tallgirl1975

Help please. My parents are treating my husband as an after thought. We have a 4yo daughter and she is their focus primarily. We certainly aren't their focus anymore. Recently they don't bother addressing my husband until they've fussed over our daughter first. I want to let them know how upset we've been about it recently. Contructively, politely yet firmly letting them know that this has been so upsetting recently. My step Mum is very good at taking control of all situations, and trying to manage everyone, far too much. Which drives me mad. I think I need to be more assertive (which doesn't come naturally to me, as I'm more than happy to please everyone) without putting myself first. Any advice please would be so welcome. Should I let her know face to face.

How does your husband feel about this? If he isn't bothered, then I would let it go. A lot of grandparents go wild over the grandkids. However, if there is another issue, that should be addressed separately and without the child present. As for your stepmom micromanaging--she can only do this if you allow her. When she tries, a "Oh, I'm afraid that's not possible" or "No, we simply must do this instead ..." is called for. The problem really is with micromanagers, they only pull this stuff with people they believe won't create a scene. Be prepared to create a scene. It should only take one for her to get the idea you and your husband captain your own ship. For example: "No, Stepmom, we can't go to lunch today...why? Because we have other plans...what other plans? ... we have a previous engagement to meet friends... no, I won't break the engagement ... and no, I won't argue about it ... well, this has gone on long enough ... we're leaving now." And then leave. As a general rule, bullies and boors only prey on the polite.

[WishfulThinker66]

How assertive is your husband? In what manner does he occupy himself at family events? He need not wait for your stepmom to address him. This may be part of the problem. I would encourage him to take the bull by the horns and be the one to address her fist. If he were to be the one to ask how she was doing and wish her a good day first I don't believe she could ignore this. Perhaps, by him not being sociable your stepmom is getting the wrong message - that he wishes not to be socialised with.

Encourage him to get involved. Get him to be more assertive and not wait until he has been greeted to do the same. Encourage him to participate - can he help in the kitchen? Serve other guests drink or snacks?

Does he make attempt to socialize with others present? Could it be that your stepmom and others are reacting to his possibly being quiet and unsociable.? These are just some thoughts. Of course, I could be completely off the mark though.

[katydid777]

My parents never cared for my H, and we have been together for over 26 years, but they have passed a couple years ago.