[DazedandConfused254]

Hi PC,

So I have this friend who I have recently caught up with, just out of his thoughtfulness, but it turned into an emotionally draining conversation because of the topics he brought up. As he is someone who I used to participate in a campus ministry with at my university, he asked me if I attended church. This question in our conversation came up due to my non-involvement in any religious group in nearly two years because of several traumatic experiences with such organizations, from being in the middle of drama to nasty burnout and emotional abuse both times I’ve attempted such organizations.

I naturally said no not solely because of my aforementioned experiences, but also because of other obligations that are quite time-consuming. These include trying to spend more time with my best friend-parents, going out of town to see friends or spend time outdoors on the weekends, spending time with my 80-something grandmother who lives alone, or just being buried in my notes and textbooks for school.

My friend then has tried to persuade me otherwise, including pressuring me to come back to a local church, even when I am at my busiest due to my commitment to school, as well as sharing all of his good experiences with religious organizations. I then got defensive when I felt that this friend did not respect my way of life or obligations to family or school, nor my space required for processing my still fresh trauma from religious groups.

Therefore my response was that I was not going back to any church or religious group any time soon because my bad experiences have left me feeling unlovable and confused, but then I turned vent-y when I also criticized people in general, especially in religious groups for thinking only of their pursuits and failing to demonstrate selflessness or understanding. This is not completely indicative of my attitude of others in general. I deeply love my family, my closest friends, and so many of you guys on PC, but I also was prone to those harsh words out of my cynicism developing after what I have witnessed in religious organizations on top of dealing with nasty fellow students and faculty in recent years in my major’s department before my current program at my uni.

Do you all think that I appropriately asserted myself with this person? How do you think I handled this highly touchy topic with this guy? Should I continue my friendship with this person?

PS As a person who still has kept my childhood faith, I hope post this post didn’t come across as one criticizing religion. I’ve just had bad experiences with organized religious groups that needed to be shared in order to provide background info to my main question about my conversation with this person.

[Bill3]

You were not obligated to respond to his questions, you were not obligated to explain yourself to him. Therefore, an option would have been to tell him that you are not going to discuss your views about, or experiences with, religion.

It sounds like you would have had to repeat that several times.

“I’m not discussing it.” “Please stop asking me about it.”

You could have taken this option at any time. What l mean is that you could have answered a question or two but then decided to stop answering any more.

Declining to engage could be your approach in the future, the next times you see him.

As to whether you should continue your friendship: Do you like him as a friend? Is he a good friend? Will he respect your wishes if/when you tell him to stop asking about religion?

[DazedandConfused254]

Thank you so much for your input Bill3.

I don't know why I was dumb enough to respond to that guy's questions about churchy things, but I seriously considered ignoring him, which was a possibility with a text message conversation like this one.

Sounds like you have read me like a book here, as I've already had to remind him twice of my not-so-great experience with religious stuff :/

I completely agree with you on this potential response, this conversation happened a couple of weeks ago, so I've had enough time to think about this but hopefully I'm not too far gone in letting him know about these boundaries of mine.

I do like him as a friend, we've had a couple of birthday celebrations together and we've done several sporting events with each other. But I'll only continue being his friend as long as he's not pushy with my triggering topics.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((DazedandConfused254)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I agree about ignoring his responses next time something like this happens. You don't have to answer if the risk is you being hurt. You have to take care of yourself, after all.

[DazedandConfused254]

Thanks so much Mickey Cheeky! We have to be in good shape to take care of others before the process of seeing about others.

[DazedandConfused254]

** PC We have an UPDATE **

So literally as I've started replying, that same dude texted me back after some time just responding to the reaction that I mentioned in my OP. He was actually encouraging, as he wished me peace as I attempted to process things.

I also took Bill3's advice also by telling my friend that church was typically not a topic that I preferred discussing with others, but also because I was a bit irritable when I last texted him I also apologized for letting things slip off my tongue just out of bitterness.

Hope this works!