[LiterallyLawyer]

I have a question and need an urgent answer to it. Hope you guys help

I am in a relationship for the past 8 months and have been really happy in it(although I don't know what happiness is because I don't remember the last time I was happy). My boyfriend is a year and a half younger to me yet is my senior in college(because I dropped two years between school and college). He is a very nice guy and absolutely lovable, and am his first girlfriend. In the initial days I told him briefly about my past 3 relationships and thought he'd be fine with it, but it turned out after a few days that he wasn't able to take in the fact that I have been with others before him and started having a million questions. I answered patiently and eventually one day lost my cool as the series of questions wasn't ending. He said he realized he's having a severe retroactive jealousy and he can't help it that he's haunted by my past. He finds it too difficult to accept me as I am. Although I lost my virginity with him and never as much as even kissed any of my exes properly(only had pecks), he finds it difficult to erase such images of me with someone else from his mind. He says he'll get mad one day because it's getting out of control. We both love eachother a lot and can't even breakup(although we've tried) and it's impossible to give up. But how long will it go on? Need suggestions and help to help him recover from it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello LiterallyLawyer: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

You asked how long your bf's jealousy will go on. I don't think there's any way to know for certain. It really all just depends on him & what is driving his jealousy. But I think the more significant question is what can be done about it. And the answer, perhaps, is some counseling or therapy for him & / or possibly some couples counseling for the two of you.

I've been married for 39 years! And I'll tell you it takes an ocean liner's worth of compassion & forgiveness to keep a relationship going for that long. So if your bf is freaking out at this stage over the fact that you had 3 previous relationships, he is perhaps still quite immature & this may not bode well for your relationship going forward... sorry to say. On the other hand, if he realizes & accepts the difficulty he's having & is willing to work proactively on it then that's a very good sign indeed!

Here are links to 7 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help with putting what is going on into perspective. (Numbers 4 & 5 are by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.) The articles may be appropriate to share with your bf as well since it is he who is experiencing the jealousy. Also included is a romantic attachment quiz you can take:

Retroactive Jealousy vs 'Regular' Jealousy in a Relationship

Don't Ask Your Partner to Erase the Past

8 Healthy Ways to Deal with Jealousy

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

8 Ways to Ruin Your Relationship

https://psychcentral.com/blog/improv...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/rom...tachment-quiz/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by LiterallyLawyer

I have a question and need an urgent answer to it. Hope you guys help

I am in a relationship for the past 8 months and have been really happy in it(although I don't know what happiness is because I don't remember the last time I was happy). My boyfriend is a year and a half younger to me yet is my senior in college(because I dropped two years between school and college). He is a very nice guy and absolutely lovable, and am his first girlfriend. In the initial days I told him briefly about my past 3 relationships and thought he'd be fine with it, but it turned out after a few days that he wasn't able to take in the fact that I have been with others before him and started having a million questions. I answered patiently and eventually one day lost my cool as the series of questions wasn't ending. He said he realized he's having a severe retroactive jealousy and he can't help it that he's haunted by my past. He finds it too difficult to accept me as I am. Although I lost my virginity with him and never as much as even kissed any of my exes properly(only had pecks), he finds it difficult to erase such images of me with someone else from his mind. He says he'll get mad one day because it's getting out of control. We both love eachother a lot and can't even breakup(although we've tried) and it's impossible to give up. But how long will it go on? Need suggestions and help to help him recover from it.

Careful with this one, to be honest. he has issues with past lovers that are no longer in your life, he's got issues that are going to crop up time and time again going forward if this is not addressed right away and it is NOT on you to address the issues. this is his own personal baggage that he is going to have to deal with and get over. You think that jealousy of past relationships is going to stop at that? consider the future and how he will be with every single friend you have for one or another reason. the Jealousy will not be limited to relationships in the past, trust me. this is a precursor to what's to come unless he gets help with dealing with why he has such insecurity issues and likely possessiveness.

if he does not overcome this I'm afraid this will not be a relationship that will be one that you will be happy in.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Literallylawyer)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I don't think you can really do something about this... it's a problem he has to face. But first, he has to recognize it as such. Try to explain to him that it's important to solve this jealousy if he want to be able to continue this relationship. Does he see a therapist?

[Bill3]

I agree with what sandman said above.

He said he realized he's having a severe retroactive jealousy and he can't help it that he's haunted by my past.

He CAN help it.

He can see a therapist and address it.

Insist that he does.

If he refuses, think carefully about staying with him. What you are experiencing now is what you will experience in the future, forever...or it will get worse.

[Imokay2]

When I was young I put aside/broke up with a really wonderful guy who had jealousy issues, now that I'm older, I realize that we had a special connection, and he was so jealous because he was afraid. And we were both really young and immature.
I wasn't doing anything for him to be jealous of, it was in his own head. What could I have done differently so we could have matured together, and gotten together when we were both ready?
I think I could have made a hard boundary about it. Something like, I understand what you're saying even though what you're thinking isn't true. I want you to understand me too, I really like you. And I want to be with YOU.
But this jealousy is really toxic, and taking all the fun out of our time together. Can you try not to be afraid that I'm going to leave you , or find someone else? If you stay with me, and stop being afraid all the time, you'll see that I'm not like that. And that I will stay with you.
The unspoken part of that is, if you keep acting like this, I will have to leave.
But, most people react to an ultimatum with defensiveness.
If he thinks it was his own idea, he'll probably go along with it better.
Good luck with this. I think young love is a once in a lifetime thing, and should be cherished.