[Peter86]

I used to be really social and outgoing in my early/mid-teens up until around year 2002, but due to various incidents (such as divorced parents, loss of contact with lots of classmates when I entered upper secondary school, long unemployment and temporary depression etc) I became more and more isolated, and now as an adult I have had a hard time fixing this.
I currently study at university, and my classmates initially seemed to like me and approached me a lot, but eventually got discouraged when I didn't respond that much to them or approached them myself, and I also took a one-year break, so I don't meet them anymore, so I have basically been completely by myself.
I really got tired of that a while ago, and now I have practised talking to people a little bit more than usual, and I also intend to join a music group at my school since I am a musician myself (I have already visited them, and I will join them tomorrow).
And that's all good of course, however there are several "obstacles" that make all of this kind of tough, and I will mention them one at a time for convenience:

1. Conversations currently tend to feel extremely awkward
I have tried having conversations with people a couple times, and this usually goes decently well for a couple minutes and I get a good response then, but I always come to that point when I just cannot think of anything to say, and sometimes the other person could also start to look a bit insecure if I am too silent.
Should I just power through every time and keep doing this over and over?
I guess that's the only option?

2. I frequently compare my current unsocial life to my former social life
This is apparently known as "saudade" - I frequently find myself having melancholic thoughts about my former much more social self that I really want to gain back, and this distracts me a lot and makes me feel bad.

3. I easily become discouraged if the other person isn't "inviting" enough
Even if I manage to create a more outward confident attitude, I will quickly lose it if the other person appears insecure or serious - and it's even worse if that person appears completely indifferent and seems to have his/her thoughts somewhere else all the time, especially if it is a girl

I have tried playing around with various role-playing tricks, such as for example "reversing the roles" and imagining that it's the OTHER people who are insecure when they speak to ME - this sometimes makes it easier for me to feel more confident, since I kind of transfer my own insecurity to them and let them play the unconfident role, and this sometimes works for a while, but not too often.
Another thing that I have been practising a bit is to hold eye contact with any girls that I walk past if we happen to make eye contact.
This is something that I enjoyed doing a lot as a teenager, by the way - if I saw a girl that I liked then I would hold eye contact with her some distance away and smile, and this was often received positively, and that's another part about me that I would really like to get back.

I don't know, what do you think about all this?

[scarlett35]

I get you! It’s really hard. I’ve had problems socially even though people think I’m confident. I just find it very awkward talking to other people.

I find it really hard when I see other people socialising, and they seem to just find it so easy. The conversations flow between them and I’m stood there like a melon. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. It’s worse with anyone in authority, and certain people who I have less in common with.

I’m afraid I don’t have much advice but my therapist said it’s pretty normal to experience awkwardness with people we don’t know very well. I think as well, a good bit of advice she gave was that if you’re very inwards while chatting to someone (e.g. you’re thinking what to say next, thinking about how you’re coming across and judging yourself on your performance in the conversation) you are less present and therefore the conversation is more difficult. Trying to actually really listen with interest rather than think about your own performance is a good skill and I think that helps with conversations! Although it takes a lot of practice ! I still struggle!

[Peter86]

Thanks a lot for your quick reply.

I think one problem for me during conversations is that I am really careful to not disagree with someone else's opinions, like if I happen to say something negative about something that they like or if I have a different opinion than them in something, and this makes me hesitate about a lot of things as well.
So that would be something worth practising.

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Peter86

Thanks a lot for your quick reply.


I think one problem for me during conversations is that I am really careful to not disagree with someone else's opinions, like if I happen to say something negative about something that they like or if I have a different opinion than them in something, and this makes me hesitate about a lot of things as well.

So that would be something worth practising.

Ah yes I get that too. Unfortunately you can’t control what other people are thinking and my T was always reminding me that we are not responsible for how other people interpret what we say to them. As long as you’re not meaning to cause offence and the intentions are good, that’s where our control over it ends!

There’s someone in my work place who says some pretty offensive things sometimes that could actually upset some people. Other people think it’s hilarious, it’s all personal preference really we won’t get on with everybody even though i always wish I could haha

[Peter86]

Originally Posted by scarlett35

Ah yes I get that too. Unfortunately you canÂ’t control what other people are thinking and my T was always reminding me that we are not responsible for how other people interpret what we say to them. As long as youÂ’re not meaning to cause offence and the intentions are good, thatÂ’s where our control over it ends!

ThereÂ’s someone in my work place who says some pretty offensive things sometimes that could actually upset some people. Other people think itÂ’s hilarious, itÂ’s all personal preference really we wonÂ’t get on with everybody even though i always wish I could haha

That's true.
I think one of my biggest concerns is the fact that I was one of the "popular" guys in school when I was still social, and I always feel a pressure to get back to at least that level, because if I couldn't do that despite lots of effort then that would feel kind of rough, and it would definitely make me feel a kind of unpleasant melancholic nostalgia as well.
But then again, junior high school at the age 13-16 is a lot different from university, especially when I don't have that "social flow" from childhood with me in the same way.

I guess I could start with simply getting used to being around people to begin with, and "worry" about making a good impression around them later.
Also I do typically notice positive response from people when I feel reasonably comfortable with myself, so that's good as well.

I also like to think that the fact that I used to be really outgoing should give me an advantage - I have this intuitive feel that I have my former social personality within me somewhere, and it seems to show itself in situations that are "comfortable enough".
One of the security guards at my school actually got concerned about me when he saw me about half a year ago since he thought I looked concerned and uneasy, and he even asked me if I was using drugs (wtf?) since I appeared to be stressed out (I felt uncomfortable when he detained me like that and asked questions), but then a few weeks later he met me again when I felt more relaxed and positive, and he was blown away by the difference and looked genuinely shocked.
So yeah, that's cool I guess.

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Peter86

That's true.

I think one of my biggest concerns is the fact that I was one of the "popular" guys in school when I was still social, and I always feel a pressure to get back to at least that level, because if I couldn't do that despite lots of effort then that would feel kind of rough, and it would definitely make me feel a kind of unpleasant melancholic nostalgia as well.

But then again, junior high school at the age 13-16 is a lot different from university, especially when I don't have that "social flow" from childhood with me in the same way.


I guess I could start with simply getting used to being around people to begin with, and "worry" about making a good impression around them later.

Also I do typically notice positive response from people when I feel reasonably comfortable with myself, so that's good as well.


I also like to think that the fact that I used to be really outgoing should give me an advantage - I have this intuitive feel that I have my former social personality within me somewhere, and it seems to show itself in situations that are "comfortable enough".

One of the security guards at my school actually got concerned about me when he saw me about half a year ago since he thought I looked concerned and uneasy, and he even asked me if I was using drugs (wtf?) since I appeared to be stressed out (I felt uncomfortable when he detained me like that and asked questions), but then a few weeks later he met me again when I felt more relaxed and positive, and he was blown away by the difference and looked genuinely shocked.

So yeah, that's cool I guess.

I think when you’re comfortable in yourself it really helps so definitely agree with that and feeling relaxed and positive will help how you’re coming across to others. The less you worry the easier it and more natural it is.

I know what you mean. I used to have a more outgoing personality and I had a good sense of humour, but I feel I’ve got so much more serious and I want my old personality back so much. It’s there with certain people but with others I hide it because I’m not sure how accepted I would be! If that makes sense. It is frustrating when you feel you’ve changed and you don’t like the new you as much as the old you :/

I think that’s a good idea. Maybe as well being around people and focusing on really listening to what they’re saying. Rather than being inward and thinking about how you’re coming across.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Peter86)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I can relate But I believe you'll be able to become social again. Just learn to trust yourself a little more. The strategies you wrote sound good enough to me.

[Peter86]

Thanks.
I came back from a music group at my school a while ago (I shared bass playing duties with another guy, and I asked to switch to guitar the next time), and overall I feel really good that I dared to go there.
Several of the people there initiated conversations with me and seemed to like me, and a cute girl also walked with me to the cafeteria during a break (wohoo).
I did however feel a bit stiff and had that somewhat gloomy feeling, since social situations like that kind of feel like being present in a situation where I wish that I could be more outgoing - it's hard to describe, it's not exactly shyness, it's more like I am being overly careful and feel frustrated that I cannot relax and have a good time the way I want;
it's a little bit like feeling that opportunities to make an optimal impression in front of new people are constantly lost.
But I am glad that I went there, and I certainly felt empowered by the whole experience.
I will go there next Monday as well (in fact, I am now officially a member there), and I am fairly sure that I will feel more relaxed that time.

[Peter86]

Alright, this last monday I was there on another visit, and I would say that I made some serious progress that time.
One rather odd thing that helped out a lot was actually that I had stayed awake all night the night before that day, so I was in that funny sleep-deprived state where I felt generally giggly and laidback, and I always smiled for myself a bit.
And even though I certainly don't advocate sleep deprivation, it was nonetheless a very helpful boost, and it made me capable of starting casual conversations with the people there and I felt much more at ease in general.
I also noticed that I got positive responses from this - everyone seemed more relaxed around me, and I had a chat with several of them after we were done for the evening and walked with them for a while and talked.
It was an extremely liberating feeling, and best of all, it seems to have worn off on me, since I felt very similar after I had slept a lot.

There was also that issue with the people who were instantly intimidated by me from the beginning since I appeared very insecure then, and that are having problems getting used to me when I am more confident;
one cool psychological trick that I have started using when I run into them is that I "swap roles", and pretend that they are the ones who are shy and insecure around me.
I find this very empowering, because it encourages me to put them at ease and show them that I am a kind and approachable person, and that situation is much easier to handle than the scenario when I thought of myself as the shy and insecure type.

I will continue working on this, I feel that it has been quite a milestone for me.
It was probably at least 15-16 years ago since I genuinely felt that way around new people, so it's about time, lol.

[katydid777]

I just don't want to be around other people. But I do know, as with anything the more you do/say ect. the easier it will get. (((((((BIG HUGS)))))))